Yanks win fifth straight against Jays, notch 10-8 victory; Yankee offense picks up Joba, heads to DL with strained back.

Mets fall again, swept by Phils with 2-0 Sunday loss; Johan solid, but Amazins’ offense unable to solve Joe Blanton, the daily word jumble, or that pesky “What doesn’t belong?” puzzle on the cover of Highlights magazine.

Yankee hurler Wang headed to DL with enflamed ERA, battered ego, and some kind of shoulder injury.

Federer passes Sampras for all-time Grand Slam lead with epic win over Roddick at Wimbledon; Longest fifth set in Wimbledon history finally comes to an end with Federer outlasting Roddick using high speed internet connect card.

Mets fall 3-0 to Cards in complete game shutout by Pineiro; Despite disappearance of offense, Jerry Manuel points out that five Mets didn’t wind up on the DL afterward and chalks it up as a moral victory.

Yanks fail to support Wang as Atlanta shuts them down 4-0; Despite disappearance of offense, Joe Girardi points out that Chien-Ming Wang’s ERA has now dipped below 37 and chalks it up as a moral victory.

Jets to wear corporate patch of Atlantic Health on practice jerseys to increase team revenue; Giants allow team captain Eli Manning to pick their patch, and will don practice jersey ads for the upcoming Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Despite Beltran’s absence, Mets amass 14 hits and drop Cards 6-4; Small ball win allows adjectives like “gutsy,” “scrappy,” and “feisty” to replace the usual “dismal,” “punchless,” and “Santana-killing” in Met headlines.

Glover holds off Lefty and Duval to take the U.S. Open at Bethpage; Unlikely winner then tracks down drunken a-hole who screams “Get in the hole!” every time someone tees off, and uses the silver trophy to bludgeon him to death.

Yankees officially file protest after 6-5 loss to Florida; Manager Joe Girardi says protest prompted partly by Marlins’ substitution error, and mostly by Hank Steinbrenner’s threat that he would move Girardi’s office into the team bathroom if he dropped 2 of 3 to Florida.

Sabathia vows to make scheduled start Friday at the Mets despite arm stiffness; Ace tells team doctors not to worry, and that his injury was only sustained because the offer to eat free at any Miami-area CiCi’s Buffet had him straining his arm with far too many heaping helpings of delicious pizza and pasta.

Mets ace chased early by Yankees in rubber game rout; Santana disgusted with lack of Met run support in 15-0 loss.

Lakers hold serve in Orlando, drop the Magic to win their 15th championship in franchise history; Shaq tweets congratulations, Kobe upset that twitter has not yet employed the technology that would allow him to reply with a picture of his middle finger sent via twitterberry.

Met closer Francisco Rodriguez confronts Yankee reliever Bruney following verbal jabs exchanged through the media; After throwing a few pointed insults that he felt swung the argument in his favor, K-Rod screamed, pumped his fist wildly, and pointed to the sky thanking God for the win.

Penguins pull off upset, win the Stanley Cup in game 7 thriller Friday night in Detroit; Sports fans everywhere miss celebration in the wake of the unbridled excitement of a dropped fly ball.

Melky erases shoddy start by Wang in Yanks 8-6 win; Cabrera’s late inning heroics becoming as expected and consistent as his pregame ritual of Power Rangers and Cookie Crisp.

Beltran’s return no help as Mets are once again dominated in Pittsburgh 11-6; Amazins’ pleas for US Navy snipers to step in and stop ruthless Pirates fall on deaf ears.

Yankee starter Burnett suspended six games for retaliatory throw at Rangers’ Cruz; MLB decides only to fine instigator Vicente Padilla rather than suspend him, mostly because he looks like the love child of Benicio Del Toro and that guy from No Country For Old Men and quite frankly, the man is terrifying.

Kobe torches the Magic for 40 in huge game one win; All-Star Laker guard thinking of saving energy for later in the series and letting his Nike puppet counterpart play in his place in game 2.

Pens tie series with Redwings 2-2 in dominating fashion; Epic contest lands just behind I Love the 70′s Volume 2 and reruns of Nash Bridges in Nielsen ratings.

Mets-Pirates rained out and rescheduled for July 2nd; Amazins glad to hear a possible sweep at the hands of the Unwatchables will be put off until the summer.

Yankees fall to Rangers as banged up Pettitte’s mistakes prove too much to overcome; Evidently the veteran pitcher misremembered the quickness with which he is able to bounce back from injury.

Knicks forward Wilson Chandler undergoes offseason ankle surgery to remove bone spurs; Team physicians recommended the procedure be scheduled for June because the sooner it is done the better… plus June has been months into the Knicks’ offseason for quite some time now.

Phil Hughes shoved to the bullpen by newly virile Wang; Who even cares about a joke here?  The guy’s name alone is a comedy gold mine.

Johan Santana out dueled by Zach Duke as Mets drop second straight to Pittsburgh; Team physicians now worried that supposed stomach virus may in fact be a team-wide case of scurrrrvy brought on by overexposure to lowly Pirates.

Yankees pound Rangers 12-3 after Teixeira is thrown at twice; Texas starter Padilla explains in post game conference that it was simply retribution for the time his former teammate refused to spare him a square of toilet paper in the locker room bathroom in ’07.

Yanks’ consecutive errorless games streak comes to an end at 18; Posada crumbles under the enormous weight of upholding a record no one even knew about until 3 days ago and rockets an errant ball into center field.

Penguins’ clutch third period earns them first win of the finals, dropping Detroit 4-2; And somehow while barely contributing, Sidney Crosby still manages to garner the credit.

Mets come out of the gate quickly with 5-0 lead, but bullpen lapse leads to embarrassing 8-5 loss to upstart minor league team.

Joba goes eight strong as Yanks beat Indians and set errorless record; Chamberlain gets in on the defensive act with bellyflop catch that causes several cars in the stadium lots to overturn.

Jets RB Leon Washington finally at OTA’s after three week absence; Diminutive back insists he hadn’t intentionally avoided appearing, but rather that his quick cutting, elusive manner of movement made it nearly impossible to hit the practice facilities head on.

Agent Drew Rosenhaus claims that three teams are interested in the services of Plaxico Burress, but tells Miami TV the Dolphins aren’t one of them: “All I can reveal,” Rosenhaus said, “is that there is one AFC team, one NFC team, and the other is that team of convict kids the Rock coached in that inspiring movie.”

Depleted Mets drop Marlins 3-2; Carlos Beltran and John Maine knocked out with stomach virus, both vow to stop sharing pre-game popsicles.

Yanks mount comeback but fall to Indians in the ninth; Progressive field once again invaded by wildlife as seagulls soar overhead, Cleveland electing to hold back fleet of bears until their next postseason series with the Bombers.

Yankees tie record for errorless games streak held by 2006 Red Sox; Hank Steinbrenner uses transitive property of equality to show that the Red Sox didn’t win the World Series that year, so the Yankees obviously have no chance now, and officially throws in the towel on ’09.

Orlando ousts the Cavaliers to join the Lakers in the upcoming NBA Finals; Former Magic and Lakers star Shaquille O’Neal reveals his prediction on Twitter – “neither can win n e thing without the big aristotle. ive out danced dwight howard and made kobe taste my ass. i win”

Stanley Cup finals apparently going on; Barry Melrose says the Red Wings are up 2-0 on some kid with a shoddy beard.