Eli Manning confirms suspicions that autograph on Cowboy Stadium wall is in fact his, and thinks everyone should relax about it.  ”I don’t see what the big deal is,” Eli pointed out, “It’s one little handprint.  Besides, I’m pretty sure it’s washable, non-toxic paint.  That’s all my wife let’s me use anyway.”

Coaches and athletes blindsided as Hofstra cuts football program due to rising cost and fading interest; “It’s hard to find the words to describe it,” said sophomore WR Chaz Cervino, “It’s like we were all as shocked by this as the rest of the country was when they heard Hofstra had a football program.”

Return to Philly turns tearful for briefly retired veteran Allen Iverson; “After all I w-went through the first t-time around in this city,” Iverson sobbed, “I j-just can’t believe they still want me t-to p-participate in p-p-praaaactice.”

Gallinari shines again as Knicks fall to Magic; Knicks commentator Walt “Clyde” Frazier quickly running low on fresh, non-offensive Italian puns.

Tiger Woods’ saga continues with news of affairs and apologies; Sponsors sticking by him though, as Gatorade renames “Quiet Storm” to “Public Sh*tstorm,” and Nike reworks “TW” symbol into scarlet “A.”

Cowboys’ owner  interested in hosting Mayweather-Pacquiao fight in 2010; Jones feels the much anticipated bout would be perfect precursor for Cowboy Stadium’s Jesus-Satan II: This time it’s Biblical, slated for 2012.

Jets use bumbling Raiders to get back on track with 38-0 stomping; Shifty RB Washington lost for season when he jukes his fibula in half.

G-Men stifled by Cardinals defense in 24-17 loss; Arizona QB Kurt Warner credits the win fully to his teammates on the other side of the ball… and Jesus.  Obviously.

Sabathia wins ALCS MVP; Ace pitcher earns award over A-Rod thanks to tie-breaking vote that determined he would shield Fox’s cameras from champagne damage more efficiently.

Former Mets GM Steve Philips dismissed from position at ESPN following sex scandal; Long after general managing days, Philips shows he is still of the mentality that it’s okay to pay an exorbitant price to land a career ruining schlub.

Manning’s injured heel a non-issue as G Men rock Raiders 44-7; Oakland hoping pro showdown at least tuned them up for better results in next week’s grudge match against Division III standout Sycamore State University Extension Center.

Angels rally in 9th, knock off Sox to complete sweep; Papelbon earns place among strongest “closers” in baseball as epic bed-pooing closes the book on Boston’s year.

Broncos shock Pats, move to 5-0 in Tecmo Bowl throw-up uniforms.

Yanks hold off A’s to finish off 9-1 homestand; Jeter passes Bernie Williams on most games played list, anxiously looking forward to passing him on most chart-topping smooth guitar albums list.

Stephon Marbury launches spectacle with Starbury.tv; Former all-star who caused the Knicks to lose millions of dollars and countless games decides to give back to those he wronged, allowing bitter fans and execs the opportunity to watch him lose his damn mind in a public forum.

Manhattan DA says that one way or another, Plaxico Burress will be serving jail time; Burress’ attorneys hopeful that Harris Smith will be able to serve sentence while Plaxico avoids missing any time on the playing field.

Binghamton B-Mets mascot Bingo sums up 2009 in the Mets organization with simple and understated, yet poignantly metaphorical genital bashing.

After examination in New York, Wang and Yankees looking to get second opinion on right shoulder; Renowned orthopedist Dr. James Andrews expected to confirm original diagnosis that Wang’s pitching arm does in fact suck.

Free agent forward David Lee frustrated by negotiations with Knicks; Up and coming star says he just wants what he deserves from the suddenly stingy Knicks, pointing out “It’s not like I’m asking for Jerome James level money here.”

White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle tosses perfect game against Rays; Buehrle ecstatic, aside from the fact that he owes DeWayne Wise at least a Bentley for saving his ass in the 9th.

Yanks play textbook baseball in win over Orioles, now stand alone in first place in the division; Red Sawks fans still happily tossing around the fact that they have yet to lose to the Bombers this year though, because apparently, THAT is the real championship.

Frustrated Mets executive challenges minor leaguers to fistfight; Bernazard also reportedly gives indian burn to a baby, and kicks puppy after losing in what he believed to be a severely flawed game of Red Light, Green Light.

Former MMA star shocked to see false stories of his death posted all over the web; ”Who am I, Screech?!,” the confounded Leopoldo wondered aloud, “Not cool.”

Bombers complete sweep of Tigers behind a strong showing from Chamberlain; Joba points out that because of his manager’s faith in him, he feels obligated to have at least enough promising outings to make the decision on whether or not he should be moved to the bullpen as stressful as possible.

59-year-old Tom Watson misses fairways, putts, and crucial afternoon nap down the stretch, relinquishes British Open to Stewart Cink. 

Mussina gets warm reception, job offer for 5th starter, in his first experience at Yankees’ Old-Timer’s Day.

Solid game by Burnett and Gardner give Yanks 4-3 win over Twins; SI writer Tom Verducci shocked to learn that not even Joe Mauer’s humble log cabin and lawn mowing life style can help the Twins to a victory over the Bombers.

Former Met Lenny “Nails” Dykstra files for bankruptcy in LA court; Dykstra is said to owe millions of dollars to over 20 of his largest creditors, not the least of which includes Big Chief Chewing Tobacco… ahhhh, the good stuff!

Nike supposedly confiscates tape of LeBron James getting dunked on by college sophomore in a pick-up game; Shoe conglomerate insists they had no reason to hide the dunk, but that LBJ’s subsequent uber-swearing, baby shaking, kitten punching tirade could have really hurt their marketing.

Mets fall again, swept by Phils with 2-0 Sunday loss; Johan solid, but Amazins’ offense unable to solve Joe Blanton, the daily word jumble, or that pesky “What doesn’t belong?” puzzle on the cover of Highlights magazine.

Yankee hurler Wang headed to DL with enflamed ERA, battered ego, and some kind of shoulder injury.

Federer passes Sampras for all-time Grand Slam lead with epic win over Roddick at Wimbledon; Longest fifth set in Wimbledon history finally comes to an end with Federer outlasting Roddick using high speed internet connect card.