20 game winner Mike Mussina set to officially retire later this week; Moose looking forward to spending more time with his family, less time being propositioned to wear a gold thong.

Rangers smacked by Canucks 6-3; Supposed Vezina Trophy favorite Henrik Lundqvist shows his distaste for labels by giving up 5 goals in a period and a half.

Pacman Jones given yet another chance, reinstated into NFL; The Cowboys however, will no longer be providing the troubled cornerback with bodyguards, leaving Jones to “police himself.”  May God have mercy on us all….

Already without player of the year Hansbrough, #1 UNC loses freshman center Tyler Zeller for the year; Attention large white males named Tyler in the Carolina area:  Be aware of your surroundings at all times, leave the house only when necessary, and do not, under any circumstances, attempt to fulfill unfathomable amount of hype that has been put on you this year.

Mets starter Johan Santana out dueled “innings eater” Joe Blanton (evidently innings are higher in calories than you’d think) in his first appearance for the Phillies, but wound up with a no decision in the end.  Unaware that it was Give Away a Victory Night at Shea, Santana was forced to look on helplessly as his Mets gave up 6 runs in the 9th in an eventual loss to their division rivals.

The Yankees notched their fifth win in a row, ninth in a row at home, with an 8-2 victory over the Twins.  Darrell Rasner had one of his best starts of the year, blanking the Twins through 5 and allowing only 2 runs before his exit in the 6th.  One has to wonder if rumors of the Yanks acquiring a certain Jack Bauer look-alike may have lit a bit of a fire under Mr. Rasner’s ass.

Despite dissatisfaction with his current contract situation, Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress will be reporting to training camp on time.  He will also be attending his family’s regular Sunday church outing despite continuing unhappiness with having been named Plaxico.

Jets tight end Chris Baker, who has expressed anger at the team’s refusal to renegotiate his contract, has been placed on the Physically Unable to Perform list.  Considering his only injury is a slight back tweak, it is more likely in this case that PUP stands for the fact that the team is Probably Unwilling to Pay you.

LeBron James suffered an ankle injury during a Team USA practice on Tuesday, though it is not considered to be too serious.  The revelation that it is only a slight sprain has USA fans relieved that their bronze medal aspirations remain intact.