We don’t want Brett Favre on the Jets. We don’t care if he’s better than Chad Pennington’s brain on Kellen Clemens’ body, we’re just sick of all the Brett Favre love being tossed around. He already retired once and we already dealt with ESPN’s fawning once. That’s enough. Done. You’re finished.

Everyone loves American grit and stubble and Wrangler jeans. We get that. But what America doesn’t know about Brett Favre, apparently, is that he’s just about the most overrated quarterback ever. He’s like football equivalent of Nolan Ryan: He can chuck it, but he really has no idea where it’s going.

Yeah, yeah. Favre threw a lot of touchdowns. But he also threw a lot of interceptions. A whole lot. Miserable ones where the dude on the other team was the only guy within the camera’s frame when he caught it. Who were you aiming at, Brett Favre? No one? Just heaving? Great strategy, broseph.

Brett Favre reminds us of the kid who was the best at football in our elementary school. He was a hell of an athlete, so he’d play quarterback and just kinda scramble around for a while then launch it downfield. A lot of times some fast kid on his team caught it. Other times, some fast kid on the other team caught it. We were all really impressed by how far the kid could throw and how he could scramble around like the dickens avoiding would-be sackers, but that kid had a lot to learn about football. And when that kid turned 40 and had a bunch of concussions under his belt, we all knew it was time to leave the schoolyard.

Give it up, Brett Favre. Just like your passes, the praise thrown your way is too often misdirected.

To watch outtakes from Tuesday’s Jeremy Shockey farewell tribute, click play below:

In today’s Nooner, we got in a barb about how Brett Myers once beat his wife in public. It raised the eyebrows of our censors a bit, but we pointed out how it was nothing but the truth simply presented as a joke.

Of course, that doesn’t mean domestic violence is something to joke about. It isn’t. It’s an atrocious pastime and one we worry is probably still way too popular among people in places near wherever Brett Myers lives. I mean, don’t forget that Myers only apologized for beating his wife in public, not necessarily for beating his wife. You can read a lot more about it here. An excerpt:

In a telephone interview with the Globe’s Suzanne Smalley, 26-year-old Courtney Knight said, “He was dragging her by the hair and slapping her across the face. She was yelling, `I’m not going to let you do this to me anymore’ . . . She’s a real small girl. It was awful.”

The 25-year-old Myers is 6 feet 4 inches and weighs 240 pounds. His wife is 5-4 and weighs 120.

What a scumbag. When you boo this man on Wednesday in his start against John Maine and the Mets, boo vigorously. Keep in mind that this woman went back to this disgusting animal, and because she’s a ballplayer’s wife, it’s a safe bet that she’s really hot. That doesn’t make Myers’ actions any more or less awful, but man, how ’bout a little appreciation for the fringe benefits of your job?

Also, keep in mind when you boo the Phillies this week that the Phillies didn’t even suspend Myers for his actions. The incident made Myers and the Phillies the bane of the Major Leagues, but of course even more popular in Philadelphia. What a bunch of savages.

In other words, Let’s Go Mets!

David Beckham rolled into town this weekend, and whoop de freaking doo. So the dude used to be the best soccer player in the world, and now he plays in the MLS. That’s like Barry Bonds going to play professional baseball in Mexico right now. Except unlike Beckham, we have a feeling Bonds would still be pretty good. Also, we don’t think Licey has $250 million to shell out for Bonds.

Essentially, the MLS created a new rule so some team could sign Beckham. The Galaxy had disposable income, apparently, to the tune of $250 million — somewhere way beyond what we guess is the operating budget for the rest of the MLS. The whole affair sort of changed our perspective of what motivates a professional athlete. For Beckham, it’s no longer about playing the best soccer he can on the greatest stage. It’s about the Woodrows.

And though Beckham has fostered more interest in Beckham, we feel like he’s done little to foster more interest in the MLS. You know why? Because soccer — at every level — is intolerably boring. It’s the only sport in the world where the most exciting thing that happens is when someone almost does something. But hey, since nothing ever happens on the field, soccer fans can focus on the best and most important thing involved in watching soccer: heavy alcohol consumption.

Here are a few suggestions for the MLS or any other soccer operation for making the sport more interesting:

• Make the goals way bigger and the field way smaller.
• Follow the NBA’s lead and eliminate defense entirely.
• Create a new version of “The Beckham Rule,” stating that goals should count threefold if the man responsible is dreamy and handsome and charmingly British.
• Make steroids not only legal, but mandatory.
• Involve pyrotechnics. We’re not sure how yet. Consult Michael Bay.
• Use some of Beckham’s runoff cash to hire one American Gladiator for each team. Legalize use of tennis ball cannons.
• Play baseball.

Some jokes that didn’t make today’s episode:

Billy Wagner spoke to the press about his recent White House visit alongside total jackass Kevin Millar. “The history was the best part,” said Wagner. “The first lady changes just about every room.” “The first lady changes in every room?” misunderstood Millar. “Woohoo! Cowboy up!’

Wagner downplayed rumors of his presidential candidacy despite his similarities to George W. Bush. Both men are self-described country boys, both have a tendency to ramble on in front of the press, and the President tortures innocent suspected terrorists just like Wagner tortures innocent Mets fans.

The New York Hockey Rangers announced they’ll start next season with two games in Prague. The Rangers hope to see the sights, learn about the culture, and get drunk and hook up with some German guy staying in their same hostel.

Players on the team said they feel no need to visit the city’s Kafka museum, as working for Jim Dolan has taught them all they need to know about existential nightmares.

It was a busy day for Mets team doctors, with medical setbacks to Pedro Martinez, El Duque and Angel Pagan. Omar Minaya was depressed, saying, “This sucks. With all their rehab starts, our Minor League ticket sales were going through the roof. I’ll just have to call up some folks from the high schools.”

And today’s outtakes:

The Nooner took on everybody’s favorite scapegoat, Lastings Milledge, today and we wanted to post a link to his hit single, Bend Ya Knees, to accompany it. As of press time, our internet-scouring intern still hasn’t found one. In fact, Soldier Boi Records’ (not to be confused with Soulja Boy) Myspace page is now just a sorry shell of its former self. No songs, no hilarious picture of Milledge in an argyle sweater, and only one friend — Tom, the guy who is everyone’s myspace friend.

This is a dark day for the L. Millz hip-hop empire. I remember he once told the press that he saw baseball as the tunnel he needed into his music career. Sadly, he’s yet to live up to his promise in either forum; he’s hitting .245 this season and Bend Ya Knees, wherever it may have gone, was just about the worst rap song we’ve ever heard.

We love Milledge, and we hate the fact that he was mistreated by the New York press for not giving good quotes. But we can’t in good conscience defend his terrible rapping. Our intern did stumble upon more bad rap from L. Millz’ cohort, Manny D, which can be found below. Fair warning: This video contains a lot of intensely explicit language:

Manny D freestyle.

No outtakes today — everything we filmed actually made it into the show for once. So here are some jokes that didn’t get filmed:

The Mets enter the second half riding a nine-game winning streak and 19 1/3 scoreless innings from their bullpen. Billy Wagner will do his best to end both tonight in Cincinnati.

Danilo Gallinari, the Italian guy the Knicks drafted, is already hurt and shut down for summer league with a sore back. “I never experienced in my life this type of soreness,” he said. Hey kid, just wait until the season starts and you have to carry Eddy Curry.

More midseason report cards:

Carlos Beltran: B – You’re hitting again, and we love the fact that you basically told Jimmy Rollins to F-off early in the season.

Mike Pelfrey: B+ – Chewing on baby pacifiers: bad. Throwing shutouts: good.

Billy Wagner: C+ – At least the All-Star Game doesn’t actually count, this time or any time.

Hideki Matsui and Johnny Damon: Incomplete – You’ve got to stop hanging around the bar and drinking the Moises Alou Kool-Aid.

Overall, the Nooner recognizes a boring first half on the field for the NY Nines and a wonderful one off the field. A-Rod and Willie — thanks for the wackiness. We look forward to pennant chases, local papers acting like it’s Armageddon whenever there’s a single loss, and A-Rod continuing to provide us with more material than we can possibly handle.

The All-Star Break is ending, and you know what that means: Time for the lauded local newspaper tradition of grading every player on the Mets and Yankees. We had some fun with this hobby on the show today, but we’d like to further emphasize how ridiculous the concept is.

The Daily News gave Fernando Tatis an A — the only Met to earn the distinction in Adam Rubin’s book — but Carlos Beltran, David Wright and Johan Santana got B’s. The Post gave perfect GPAs to Tatis and Damion Easley, but gave Beltran a B-minus. The Post hasn’t released its Yankee grades yet, but the News gave Alex Rodriguez — probably the best player in baseball — a B.

We don’t get it. If we’re grading these guys against their preseason expectations, maybe that makes sense. But if we’re grading them as baseball players, someone should consult the provost’s office. Sure, we’re all really proud of how hard Fernando Tatis has worked to produce his .292 average and .323 on-base percentage, but does that really make him a better or more valuable baseball player than A-Rod?

Didn’t these people ever go to high school? Sure, there were plenty of kids who worked hard and got decent grades, but what about the kids who coasted along on natural ability and still got good marks? Why punish a student for not living up to his endless potential when the papers he’s turning in are still way better than the nonsense Damion Easley is writing? Maybe A-Rod showed up late to class and left his pencil at his really old girlfriend’s house, but he still aced the test.

Fernando Tatis can study all he wants, but he’s got to understand that he’s not getting into the same Ivy League colleges that Carlos Beltran will on SAT scores alone.

And if that isn’t enough to show how dumb this whole idea is, consider this: The News gave Argenis Reyes a B — same as Santana, Wright, A-Rod, Giambi and Jose Reyes. The kid has only been to class nine times.

First, some cut jokes:

The National League got so desperate, manager Clint Hurdle even considered using David Wright as an emergency relief pitcher. When asked how Fred and Jeff Wilpon would react if he were to pitch, Wright said: “I just hope that they were asleep.” Just like everyone else.

The lengthy All-Star Game must have been torture for play-by-play man Joe Buck, who has previously admitted to not really liking baseball that much. A good way to put the nail in that coffin? Spending five hours in small room with Tim McCarver.

And now, the outtakes: