This is a tough card for us to play since we’re affiliated with a different sports news network, albeit a regional one. But man, is anything going to be lamer than SportsCenter going live every day from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m.? We guess this is some sort of attempt to tap into the network morning show audience, and it just so happens that network morning shows are a festering boil on the backside of humanity. “Look at this really fat puppy! Breaking news: We found a fatter puppy! Aww.”

So now ESPN’s going to serve you its nonsense live. Woohoo. Finally we’ll get to know Who’s Now right now, instead of who was now an hour ago, when they filmed that segment. First breaking story on ESPN live? ESPN goes live! Second story? Brett Favre just farted! Someday the Yankees will play the Red Sox! And these stories are all coming at you LIVE! NOW! LIVE!

Sorry, we don’t want to seem bitter. We used to love SportsCenter back in the day, with Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann and Craig Kilborn. In fact, we loved it so much that we’re psyched to see Patrick and Olbermann relive their old glory on Football Night in America, even if we know they’re not going to be as funny as they used to be and they’ll most likely end up as a parody of their former selves. Whatever.

Also, where have you gone, Craig Kilborn? We thought your show was pretty awesome, just not quite as awesome as Conan. But now we have TiVo, so we could watch both. Come back, Craiggers. The world needs your patented sleazy brand of humor now more than ever.

To watch an outtake from Thursday’s episode of The Nooner, click play below:

It didn’t take us long to get sick of the trade deadline this year. Naturally, as Mets fans we’ve been sick of the trade deadline since the Amazins traded Jason Isringhausen for Billy Taylor, not to mention the time they sent some Kazmir guy to Tampa Bay for surefire All-Star, 10-minute-fix Victor Zambrano.

(It should be noted that we were at Zambrano’s last game for the Mets, when he tweaked something in his elbow, threw a pitch, then just ran off the field mid-inning. We thought it was funny, injury aside, and we stood on our feet and cheered his departure. Mets fans around us got mad that we were making light of his injury, but we were really just making light of the franchise’s storied commitment to making boneheaded deadline deals then keeping the crappy players they received around for way too long out of hubris. Those same fans later booed Cow-Bellman, who slots in right behind Victor Zambrano on the list of people who exemplify everything that’s ever gone wrong with the Mets.)

Besides the jilted-lover feeling we sometimes get from the Mets at the deadline, we hate hearing about all the rumors. Mostly because so few of those rumors come true. So Manny Ramirez is heading to the Marlins? Could be. But it’s equally possible he won’t be dealt at all, or that he’ll randomly end up on some other team that Ken Rosenthal and Peter Gammons and Buster Olney said nothing about. And once he gets there, he’ll still be awesome.

Until then, we’re going to avoid the temptation to break down every possible Mets trade option and tell you why they all suck. That’s someone else’s job. We’ll just wait to see who they get, and then tell you why he sucks on tomorrow’s episode of The Nooner.

We took some shots at Kellen Clemens in The Nooner today, but we want to sort of take them back. Because as Jets fans, we’ve seen way, way, way too much of Chad Pennington at this point. Dude can’t throw the ball. It’s kind of sad, to be honest, that someone purporting to be an NFL quarterback can’t throw the ball farther than we can. Go deep, Laveranues! No, no — not that deep. Let’s try like 15 yards.

SNY.tv’s Mike Salfino once pointed out that watching Jets games with Pennington on TiVo, fast forwarding from snap to snap, tests an announcer’s ability to come up with synonyms for the word “lob.” “Pennington floats one over the middle. … Pennington with a soft toss out to Washington. … Pennington shovels one to the left. … Pennington lofts a sissy girlie pass to Cotchery. …” Etc.

So Kellen Clemens wasn’t so good in his few starts last year. So what? At least the dude can throw the ball more convincingly than we can, and that’s got to be worth something in the NFL. Everyone loved him coming out of Oregon, and this season the Jets will actually field an offensive line. Why not pick a young guy with some upside over a veteran with a lengthy history of shoulder surgeries and an arm that can’t even toss a salad?

Because you’re the Jets, that’s why. And the Jets obviously want to live up to their rich tradition of torturing their fans. The sad thing is we just can’t quit. When Chad Pennington floats up his first 10-yard bomb in the Jets’ home opener, take all that time you have waiting for it to come down to scope out the stands. We’re the guys in the back with the bags over our heads.

After last night’s bullpen implosion, Omar Minaya traded Fernando Martinez, Argenis Reyes and Mike Pelfrey for Turk Wendell. Hey, he’s experienced!

Yanks were doubtful about a pending Jarrod Washburn trade. Hal Steinbrenner said, “Putting on more payroll doesn’t sit well with me, and neither does trading away young talent.” George Steinbrenner replied: “You’re dead to me.”

New Giant Shane Olivea said he felt “blessed” to have conquered his addiction to pain killers. Blessed, that is, until he returns to his job as an NFL lineman.

Coach Eric Mangini gave the Jets a rare day-off yesterday, prompting suggestions that they planned to acquire Brett Favre. The Jets dismissed the talk, but Jerricho Cotchery was seen practicing 25-yard ins, meaning Chad Pennington’s certainly on his way out.

After the Yanks’ win, Derek Jeter actually said, “We would like to have won, but sometimes the other team is going to beat us.” Of course, all that and more can be found in Jeter’s new magazine, Professional Athlete Cliche Quarterly. Should be a thrill ride.

You’d think Johan Santana’s complete game Sunday would end all the criticism, but you failed to consider the Daily News’ Filip Bondy, who argues that Santana should have been pulled after eight innings — the exact thing he took heat for last week. Welcome to New York, Johan. It only gets worse.

Though the Red Sox may trade embattled slugger Manny Ramirez, Mets officials say they don’t see a deal materializing. Giants wideout and known weed hookup Mario Manningham says he does see a deal materializing.

Contributing Yankees Richie Sexson and Jose Molina are advocating for the acquisition of Jarrod Washburn. When reached for comment on the situation, George Steinbrenner held his head in his hands, weeping and wondering what the hell happened.

Speaking of which, Goose Gossage argued that the Boss belongs in the Hall of Fame in his own induction speech yesterday. Analysts predict Steinbrenner will make it in, as he recently purchased Cooperstown.

In hockey news, Garth Snow’s search for the next Islanders head coach continues, and the fact that no one cares also continues.

So in Wednesday night’s Mets game, Phillies radioman Larry Anderson vilified Jose Reyes for celebrating his go-ahead three-run homer, saying, “Someone should hit him in the neck.” You can hear the clip (after some other Mets debate) in the embedded video below.

There’s nothing worse than some holier-than-thou jackass telling a professional athlete he can’t celebrate. Sorry, Lastings Milledge. Sorry, Chad Johnson. You’re making a mockery of your profession.

Here’s what we don’t get: Who cares? These guys are entertainers, and we pay to see them play a game. If they want to celebrate, great. More entertainment for the fans. More asses in the seats. If it weren’t for people like Jose Reyes, you, Larry Anderson, would be unemployed.

While we’re at it, we should mention that Larry Anderson — assuming it’s the same dude, which we will even though Larry Anderson’s probably a popular name — had a lifetime 5.66 ERA and sucked hardcore. Now he sucks as an announcer, and, based on his “hit him in the neck” comment, probably at everything.

Listen, if we wanted to see a bunch of workmanlike, blue-collar ballplayers, we could just go watch actual blue-collar workmen. We don’t, because that would be boring. We wouldn’t even know where to start. Are there still operating factories in the New York area? We don’t know, because we’re not interested in knowing. They don’t play baseball in factories.

And even if there are, we can guarantee you that the factory workers blow off steam by watching people like Jose Reyes hit home runs. We think celebrations should be not frowned upon, but mandatory in all sports. If these guys are getting paid to play a game, we want to know they’re enjoying it. If Larry Anderson’s getting paid to watch a game and spew crap about it, it’d be nice to know that he enjoys it too.

In other words, someone should hit the mute button on Larry Anderson’s pathetic career. Let’s go Mets.

Part of the job description for being a closer in New York not named Mariano Rivera is that the fans will hate you. Mets fans had a big love-hate thing with John Franco, and he was pretty damn good too. Everyone hates Armando Benitez, and that’s fair, but even he was good for three of his four seasons in New York. Braden Looper? Well, screw him. But Billy Wagner’s actually good. We always forget that.

The only thing we’ll bash Billy Wagner for, besides being a bit of a redneck and a clubhouse babbler, is his choice of entrance music. We know he’s been using Enter Sandman as long as Mariano Rivera has and all, but Wagner didn’t even choose it himself. He deferred to obvious metalhead Jeff Bagwell, who must have taken time away from romantic evenings with Craig Biggio to pick Wagner’s song. How ’bout this, Billy? Let us pick:

• Ramblin’ Man by the Allman Brothers: Not only is the song musically teeming with Southern charm, but its title works as a description for Wagner. Seems like a no-brainer.
• Why Can’t We Be Friends? by War: Intimidation by the total lack of intimidation. Think of the confidence inherent in extending the olive branch to the other team before you strike them all out. Hey man, we’re cool, I’m just going to blow a bunch of fastballs by you. Then we can hang out or something.
• Flight of the Valkyries by Richard Wagner: We know the pronunciation is different, but how about a little love for your boy Vah-gner. Classical music — especially this song — would be totally epic with a fireballer coming in from the bullpen. Think Apocalypse Now. How badass was that scene?
• The Ave Maria (traditional): OK, a bit out of left field. We just think it would really get into opposing hitters’ heads if the closer came out to a song generally used as a death knell. It’d be like the requiem for the other team’s chance of winning.
• Complete silence: This, too, would be pretty badass. You’d have to make sure the fans were on board, and would keep quiet while Wagner warmed up. Plus, it’d be a really ironic entrance for a guy who never shuts up.

To watch an outtake from Wednesday’s episode of The Nooner, click play below:

One joke was cut by the censors for being insensitive to Estelle Getty. We can’t tell you that one, but here’s an adjusted version:

Following the tragic loss of American acting legend Estelle Getty, Golden Girls creator Susan Harris has announced that the role of Sophia in the upcoming Golden Girls reunion movie will be played by Moises Alou.