Oh, what’s that Brett Favre, you detestable fool? You’re not done yet? In the words of the great Billy Wagner, “f@#$ing shocker.”

We were on vacation a couple of weeks ago when Favre first broke the news that he was staying retired, which, incidentally, is not breaking news.The word “news” comes from the term “new,” meaning something that has not happened before, or was not happening long before it became news. Staying in the state you were already in does not constitute news.

Nor does lying to everyone to get out of training camp, incidentally. Not when you do the same thing every single year.

The real news would have been if the football season actually started and Brett Favre wasn’t on a team. That would have been novel. But no, it’s not happening.

Sorry, Tarvaris Jackson. Enjoy the long shadow of the most overrated human in the history of the species.

Have we expressed how much we dislike Brett Favre here? We’re not sure if we’ve made it clear, but we should: Brett Favre sucks. He’s not actually good at football. Why the Vikings haven’t recognized this yet is beyond us.

Here’s a recap of a forthcoming Brett Favre play: Favre drops back to pass… can’t find the open man (even though he’s clearly there, in the flat, wide open)… here comes the pressure!… And Favre gets away! What a move to evade the defender… scrambling deeper into the pocket now, he sees a man, throws!…. and it’s… absolutely nowhere near anyone on his team and right into the hands of the waiting defender who’s the only person even visible on the TV screen at the time he catches the ball, making you really wonder why Brett Favre felt the need to just throw the ball as far as he possibly could to show off his stupid, strong arm once again.

The only upside Brett Favre brings is he’s stunned us back into writing here. Not that it was stunning.

Livan Hernandez leads Mets to 8-3 win in Houston; Mets fans still coming to terms with over the hill, over the weight limit pitcher serving as their bright spot in 2009.

Yanks hold off A’s to finish off 9-1 homestand; Jeter passes Bernie Williams on most games played list, anxiously looking forward to passing him on most chart-topping smooth guitar albums list.

Stephon Marbury launches spectacle with Starbury.tv; Former all-star who caused the Knicks to lose millions of dollars and countless games decides to give back to those he wronged, allowing bitter fans and execs the opportunity to watch him lose his damn mind in a public forum.

Manhattan DA says that one way or another, Plaxico Burress will be serving jail time; Burress’ attorneys hopeful that Harris Smith will be able to serve sentence while Plaxico avoids missing any time on the playing field.

Bombers coast on their way to a seventh straight win, drop A’s 6-3; Hughes masterful out of bullpen again, picking up first save and prompting Yankee brass to formulate set of “Hughes Rules” that will strictly monitor his pitch count and eventually render him useless.

Binghamton B-Mets mascot Bingo sums up 2009 in the Mets organization with simple and understated, yet poignantly metaphorical genital bashing.

After examination in New York, Wang and Yankees looking to get second opinion on right shoulder; Renowned orthopedist Dr. James Andrews expected to confirm original diagnosis that Wang’s pitching arm does in fact suck.

Free agent forward David Lee frustrated by negotiations with Knicks; Up and coming star says he just wants what he deserves from the suddenly stingy Knicks, pointing out “It’s not like I’m asking for Jerome James level money here.”

White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle tosses perfect game against Rays; Buehrle ecstatic, aside from the fact that he owes DeWayne Wise at least a Bentley for saving his ass in the 9th.

Mets shut down by lowly Nationals with 4-0 loss in Washington; Receiving even more devastating injury news, Amazins also learn that their collective dignity, which was previously thought to be out for a few weeks, is officially done for the year and will require off-season surgery.

Yanks play textbook baseball in win over Orioles, now stand alone in first place in the division; Red Sawks fans still happily tossing around the fact that they have yet to lose to the Bombers this year though, because apparently, THAT is the real championship.

Frustrated Mets executive challenges minor leaguers to fistfight; Bernazard also reportedly gives indian burn to a baby, and kicks puppy after losing in what he believed to be a severely flawed game of Red Light, Green Light.

Former MMA star shocked to see false stories of his death posted all over the web; ”Who am I, Screech?!,” the confounded Leopoldo wondered aloud, “Not cool.”

Mets round out series in Atlanta with loss, injury; Jerry Manuel driven to tears when realizing the loss of an intended spot starter who was picked up after being cut by the Astros may actually be the nail in his 2009 coffin.

Bombers complete sweep of Tigers behind a strong showing from Chamberlain; Joba points out that because of his manager’s faith in him, he feels obligated to have at least enough promising outings to make the decision on whether or not he should be moved to the bullpen as stressful as possible.

59-year-old Tom Watson misses fairways, putts, and crucial afternoon nap down the stretch, relinquishes British Open to Stewart Cink. 

Mussina gets warm reception, job offer for 5th starter, in his first experience at Yankees’ Old-Timer’s Day.

Brittany wraps up last night’s All-Star Game Nooner-style and spotlights the latest injury to hit a Met, WHOOPS, I mean to hit former Met, Pedro Martinez.

Martinez signed a deal with the Phillies and, in a tribute to his former team, was immediately sent to the 15-day disabled list with a (insert any imaginable injury here).

Clutch performances from Oliver Perez and Daniel Murphy finally grab Mets 5-4 win over Dodgers; Upon realizing they had to be rescued by Perez and Murphy, remaining Mets march one by one, lemming-style  off Citi Field promenade.

Solid game by Burnett and Gardner give Yanks 4-3 win over Twins; SI writer Tom Verducci shocked to learn that not even Joe Mauer’s humble log cabin and lawn mowing life style can help the Twins to a victory over the Bombers.

Former Met Lenny “Nails” Dykstra files for bankruptcy in LA court; Dykstra is said to owe millions of dollars to over 20 of his largest creditors, not the least of which includes Big Chief Chewing Tobacco… ahhhh, the good stuff!

Nike supposedly confiscates tape of LeBron James getting dunked on by college sophomore in a pick-up game; Shoe conglomerate insists they had no reason to hide the dunk, but that LBJ’s subsequent uber-swearing, baby shaking, kitten punching tirade could have really hurt their marketing.

Yanks win fifth straight against Jays, notch 10-8 victory; Yankee offense picks up Joba, heads to DL with strained back.

Mets fall again, swept by Phils with 2-0 Sunday loss; Johan solid, but Amazins’ offense unable to solve Joe Blanton, the daily word jumble, or that pesky “What doesn’t belong?” puzzle on the cover of Highlights magazine.

Yankee hurler Wang headed to DL with enflamed ERA, battered ego, and some kind of shoulder injury.

Federer passes Sampras for all-time Grand Slam lead with epic win over Roddick at Wimbledon; Longest fifth set in Wimbledon history finally comes to an end with Federer outlasting Roddick using high speed internet connect card.

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