This is a tough card for us to play since we’re affiliated with a different sports news network, albeit a regional one. But man, is anything going to be lamer than SportsCenter going live every day from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m.? We guess this is some sort of attempt to tap into the network morning show audience, and it just so happens that network morning shows are a festering boil on the backside of humanity. “Look at this really fat puppy! Breaking news: We found a fatter puppy! Aww.”

So now ESPN’s going to serve you its nonsense live. Woohoo. Finally we’ll get to know Who’s Now right now, instead of who was now an hour ago, when they filmed that segment. First breaking story on ESPN live? ESPN goes live! Second story? Brett Favre just farted! Someday the Yankees will play the Red Sox! And these stories are all coming at you LIVE! NOW! LIVE!

Sorry, we don’t want to seem bitter. We used to love SportsCenter back in the day, with Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann and Craig Kilborn. In fact, we loved it so much that we’re psyched to see Patrick and Olbermann relive their old glory on Football Night in America, even if we know they’re not going to be as funny as they used to be and they’ll most likely end up as a parody of their former selves. Whatever.

Also, where have you gone, Craig Kilborn? We thought your show was pretty awesome, just not quite as awesome as Conan. But now we have TiVo, so we could watch both. Come back, Craiggers. The world needs your patented sleazy brand of humor now more than ever.

The Yankees allowed 12 runs on 18 hits in a brutal loss to the Angels on Thursday, ruining the debut of new catcher Pudge Rodriguez.  Nine of the Angel’s runs were charged to Andy Pettitte, who as any real Yankee fan knows if infallible (one little HGH admission notwithstanding), so it must have been a poorly called game by Pudge… ship this guy out!

Brett Favre is reportedly considering accepting the Packers offer of $20 million to just stay retired, telling ESPN it may be the best solution.  For those of you who are unaware, this is a move the Packers front office pulled from the Kennedy’s playbook, having been used for quite some time to hide secret babies.  The Packers are essentially telling their baby momma, “Here’s a lot of money to disappear, you don’t ‘have‘ to take it. But we might friggin’ kill you.”

Manny Ramirez was awoken from a mid-afternoon nap by a family member informing him he had been traded to the LA Dodgers in a last minute deal yesterday.  Yes, we all know how amusing it is that Manny would be napping like a 7-year old child, but be fair people… he was exhausted from coloring all morning.

The Nooner was able to obtain some exclusive photos of reactions to the Manny trade:

• Terry Francona after receiving the news that the baggy pajama-uni sporting mess was no longer his headache.
• Joe Torre upon hearing he would now be the one to enjoy Manny in his locker room.
• David Ortiz once he is told his batting average will no longer be padded by Manny hitting behind him.

White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen briefly pulled his team from the field on Thursday night, as unruly Minnesota fans catapulted hats and baseballs onto the field.  “This is f***ing uncivilized!,” Ozzie explained, “What the f*** is wrong with these people?  Have they no f***ing moral fiber?  I mean what kind of f***ing social etiquette is that?  I was literally f***ing fearful for f***ing lives of me and my f***ing players.” For shame Twins fans, for shame…

To watch an outtake from Thursday’s episode of The Nooner, click play below:

It didn’t take us long to get sick of the trade deadline this year. Naturally, as Mets fans we’ve been sick of the trade deadline since the Amazins traded Jason Isringhausen for Billy Taylor, not to mention the time they sent some Kazmir guy to Tampa Bay for surefire All-Star, 10-minute-fix Victor Zambrano.

(It should be noted that we were at Zambrano’s last game for the Mets, when he tweaked something in his elbow, threw a pitch, then just ran off the field mid-inning. We thought it was funny, injury aside, and we stood on our feet and cheered his departure. Mets fans around us got mad that we were making light of his injury, but we were really just making light of the franchise’s storied commitment to making boneheaded deadline deals then keeping the crappy players they received around for way too long out of hubris. Those same fans later booed Cow-Bellman, who slots in right behind Victor Zambrano on the list of people who exemplify everything that’s ever gone wrong with the Mets.)

Besides the jilted-lover feeling we sometimes get from the Mets at the deadline, we hate hearing about all the rumors. Mostly because so few of those rumors come true. So Manny Ramirez is heading to the Marlins? Could be. But it’s equally possible he won’t be dealt at all, or that he’ll randomly end up on some other team that Ken Rosenthal and Peter Gammons and Buster Olney said nothing about. And once he gets there, he’ll still be awesome.

Until then, we’re going to avoid the temptation to break down every possible Mets trade option and tell you why they all suck. That’s someone else’s job. We’ll just wait to see who they get, and then tell you why he sucks on tomorrow’s episode of The Nooner.

Mike Pelfrey allowed 5 earned runs in the fourth inning, digging a hole the Mets were unable to climb out of on the way to a 7-5 loss. Now, with the trade deadline looming many have said the Mets need to bolster their bullpen. However after having showed the ability to get knocked around that badly within one inning, it seems Pelfrey would fit in perfectly with the Mets pen, and they will likely have a hole in the starting rotation.

The Yanks salvaged their series with the last place O’s, stomping the birds 13-3 behind two Bobby Abreu dingers. The big news of the day however, came with the announcement that the Bombers had also acquired 14-time All Star Pudge Rodriguez from the Detroit Tigers. While their platoon of Jose Molina and Chad Moeller behind the plate had proven serviceable, Yankees brass wisely elected to follow this time tested adage: You can’t win a World Series with catchers whose combined fantasy league ownership hasn’t eclipsed 2%.

While it seemed quite unlikely at first, the possibility of Manny Ramirez being traded out of Boston appears imminent with the 4pm trade deadline looming. This after ESPN Deportes reported that, among other things, Ramirez said “The Red Sox don’t deserve a player like me.” ESPN Deportes? Really? Apparently Ramirez is also intrigued by the possibility of joining the LA Galaxy in order to boost US interest in soccer.

In an effort to finally address their disciplinary issues, Penn State football announced the dismissal of two defensive tackles due to their off-field issues. ESPN recently reported that in the past 8 years there have apparently been more legal allegations against Penn State players than there have been crimes in the city of Des Moines, Iowa. Coach Joe Paterno dismissed the problems however, referring to the report as a witch hunt. Which, having coached the Salem Crusaders for a brief stint in the 1690′s, he knows a thing or two about.

Well, the Yankees have done it again. Friday’s trade with the Pittsburgh Pirates is just another piece of indisputable evidence in the airtight case that baseball’s ‘Evil Empire’ has an unfair advantage and must be stopped. How can anyone else expect to compete with an organization that, even with a $200 million payroll, can still just go out and lap up every available player? Earth to Yankees: How about leaving some Xavier Nady for the rest of us?

With Nady on board, not to mention relief pitch Damaso Marte, it’s hard to imagine any team other than the Yankees winning the World Series this season. The Yankees’ lineup is already loaded with superstars like Jose Molina, Brett Gardner, Richie Sexson and Chad Moeller. Add Nady to the mix, and we’re talking about an additional eight or nine home runs over the season’s final two months!
Scary.

Throw Marte into a pitching staff that already boasts Sidney Ponson, LaTroy Hawkins, Mike Mussina and Darrell Rasner, and we’re talking about a true monopoly on talent. Sorry Tampa Bay, I know this year looked promising, but you just can’t compete with big business.

We took some shots at Kellen Clemens in The Nooner today, but we want to sort of take them back. Because as Jets fans, we’ve seen way, way, way too much of Chad Pennington at this point. Dude can’t throw the ball. It’s kind of sad, to be honest, that someone purporting to be an NFL quarterback can’t throw the ball farther than we can. Go deep, Laveranues! No, no — not that deep. Let’s try like 15 yards.

SNY.tv’s Mike Salfino once pointed out that watching Jets games with Pennington on TiVo, fast forwarding from snap to snap, tests an announcer’s ability to come up with synonyms for the word “lob.” “Pennington floats one over the middle. … Pennington with a soft toss out to Washington. … Pennington shovels one to the left. … Pennington lofts a sissy girlie pass to Cotchery. …” Etc.

So Kellen Clemens wasn’t so good in his few starts last year. So what? At least the dude can throw the ball more convincingly than we can, and that’s got to be worth something in the NFL. Everyone loved him coming out of Oregon, and this season the Jets will actually field an offensive line. Why not pick a young guy with some upside over a veteran with a lengthy history of shoulder surgeries and an arm that can’t even toss a salad?

Because you’re the Jets, that’s why. And the Jets obviously want to live up to their rich tradition of torturing their fans. The sad thing is we just can’t quit. When Chad Pennington floats up his first 10-yard bomb in the Jets’ home opener, take all that time you have waiting for it to come down to scope out the stands. We’re the guys in the back with the bags over our heads.

Carlose Delgado hit yet another big home run Tuesday night, continuing his torrid pace at the plate and helping the Mets to a 4-1 victory over the Florida Marlins.  I’d congratulate Carlos on his new found stroke myself, but he was seen leaving the clubhouse with this guy.

A late Yankee rally fell one run short on Tuesday, with the Bombers falling to the Orioles 7-6, and losing their third straight after having won eight in a row.  The Orioles were led by Aubrey Huff, who went 4-for-5 at the plate including a 9th inning solo jack off of Mariano Rivera that would prove to put the O’s just out of reach.  Mo looked frustrated and emasculated after watching the homer sail over the fence, but wouldn’t you be too if you just got owned by a guy named Aubrey?

The biggest trade of this year thus far went down last night, with the best team in baseball acquiring former All-Star Mark Teixeira.  Upon joining the Halos, the first baseman said he looks forward to helping the Angels come up short of the playoffs this year, and to being dealt again at next year’s deadline.

The Houston Rockets made a huge move yesterday, dealing for the often embattled but always hard working Ron Artest.  The gritty forward’s presence will instantly improve an already solid team’s rebounding and defense by leaps and bounds, and will also increase the number of security guards with tranq guns at Houston home games tenfold.