Murphy’s five RBI’s lead Mets to 7-4 win and sweep of Nationals; Johan Santana distraught however, after giving up 3 runs to baseball’s most severely illiterate team. Strong outing by Burnett, two dingers by Matsui lead Yanks past Rangers 9-2; Burnett’s 7 start winless drought ends after he implements new strategy of “not blowing so much.” [...]

Joba struggles after rain delay as Yanks fall to Rangers 7-3; Chamberlain’s hopes that certain Yankees tendencies for enhanced performances in Texas would carry them to a win regardless fall flat. Livan Hernandez throws 127 pitch complete game as Mets drop Nats 6-1; Manager Jerry Manuel to be indicted on severe violation of senior citizen [...]

Mets can’t find relief as bullpen blows win for Santana; New York headlines riddled with “Putz” jokes are officially Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau approved. Joba Chamberlain dominates in Yankees 8-6 win over Tigers; Pitcher credits strong outing to relaxation method in which he pictures a tiny little Yogi Berra doing a jig on each [...]

Capitals’ Donald Brashear suspended for six games for pregame misconduct and blindside hit on Blair Betts during game 6; Caps chances of winning game 7 greatly improved now that they can insert someone with actual hockey skills into Brashear’s spot in the lineup. Santos’ grand slam and Maine’s strong outing lead Mets in 7-1 win over [...]

Jets trade up to land USC quarterback Sanchez; Move east means rookie is likely to trade his casual, surfer quaff for a more gel-infused, Jersey boy blowout. Jacoby Ellsbury steals home, the heart of Jon Miller, and Yankees’ dignity as Sox complete weekend sweep. Perez hit hard as Mets fall to Nationals; Jerry Manuel considering [...]

Cardinals sweep away Mets with 12-8 win in St. Louis; Mets take solace in humor of hearing manager Jerry Manual say that “Pujols really unloaded on us” in the post-game press conference. Brodeur stops 44 shots in record tying 23rd playoff shutout as Devils top Canes 1-0; Goalie relieved to not give up any last [...]

Mets’ miscues prove costly in 6-4 loss to Cards; Daniel Murphy chooses inopportune moment to test out his new “sitting on my ass catch” in left field. Pettitte and Rivera tie win/save record as Yanks drop A’s 5-3; Receiving slightly less attention, was Jason Giambi tying Brett Favre’s record for most man embraces during a [...]

Caps solve Lundqvist and the Rangers, win 4-0 at the Garden; Apparently, Alexander Ovechkin’s spy tactics are far more effective than any of us would have ever imagined. Yanks-A’s matchup postponed due to rain; Yankee fans disappointed to see that the return of Jason Giambi and his magical golden thong apparently yields no control over [...]

Shot at no hitter broken up, but Burnett leads Yanks to 7-2 win over Rays; Dominant performance by Burnett allows the weary arms of Nick Swisher and the bullpen to get some much needed rest. Ex-Met Ambiorix Burgos gets 9 month jail sentence for September ’08 assault on girlfriend; Burgos reportedly told the woman during [...]

Mets stumble in inaugural home opener, fall to Padres 6-5; MSNBC to dedicate 3 hours of coverage today to the irony of CITI Field opening with an unexpected loss. Yanks suffer 15-5 pounding at the hands of reigning AL Champions Tampa Bay; Derek Jeter secretly blames uncharacteristic performance on A-Rod’s return to the dugout. Nick [...]