Yanks play to a tie against Astros behind bat of Angel Berroa; Solid start has Berroa confident he will be talked about as Bombers’ most significant pickup of 2009.
Knicks sign 7′1″ center Cheikh Samb to 10 day contract to help fill void in paint; Odds of seeing a “Cheikh Samb saves season” headline slightly better [...]

Some jokes that didn’t make the cut today:

The Mets know they could save their fans a lot of grief by just finding a working MRI machine in Florida, but want to build up Johan Santana’s frequent flyer miles so he can fly home for free when the season ends prematurely in September.

The Giants [...]

Knicks fall to Magic 114-109 despite three late, clutch shots by Danilo Gallinari; Loss saves New Yorkers from classy headlines like “3 spicy meat-a-balls” and “That’s A’3-more’!”
A-Rod homers to help give Yanks win in Grapefruit opener; Slugger says crowd wasn’t as bad as an average Fenway bunch… while rabid Red Sox fans sat in their [...]

A few that didn’t make the show today:
Well, the great conspiracy has been revealed in Texas. It was A-rod’s cousin Yuri Sucart on the grassy knoll that day in Dallas.
This officially eliminates other suspects in the “who’s A-Rod’s drug pushing cousin” debate –- and it’s too bad. I had a three guy parlay [...]

Brett Favre tells his agent he plans to retire; Evidently, the veteran QB was so sick of his Sportscenter coverage being inundated by A-Rod interviews and completely lacking the necessary uber-Favreyness, that he did what he felt had to be done.
Knicks put up 127 points on Warriors, somehow manage to lose by 17;  D’Antoni’s defensive [...]

Nets beats Bucks 99-85; Spoil Richard Jefferson’s homecoming with win, and by having not yet moved to Brooklyn.
Rangers retire #9 in honor of Adam Graves in MSG ceremony; Chuck Norris considering suing MSG for stealing the name for their special “Heart of a Ranger” from the classic Walker, Texas Ranger episode when his horse teaches [...]

Knicks take down Rockets behind big game by Chandler; Momentum swings in fourth quarter when Wilson Chandler’s huge throw down snaps the tiny little headband off of Luis Scola’s head.
Pettitte will stick with Yanks, signing one-year, $5.5 million deal; Hurler likely regrets rebuffing initial $10.5 million offer, as current incentive-laden contract will not reach that [...]

Knicks run D’Antoni offense to perfection, drop Suns 114-109; Nash’s 19 assists not enough for win, although he did spend the entirety of the 4th quarter staring at coach Terry Porter saying “I told you a-hole.”
Rex Ryan hit with barrage of questions on Favre during introductory press conference, says he “would think anybody would want [...]

Rangers extend Isles losing streak to 5; Slow New York sports night forces amateur writers everywhere to feign interest in 2-1, regular season hockey game.
Plaxico Burress in court over rental car; Troubled receiver facing allegations that he took damaged Chevy Avalanche to a repair shop, claimed it was a Silverado, and that it had been [...]

Giants fall to supposedly fueding Cowboys in Dallas;  T.O. says of he and Witten’s relationship, “He’s a hell of a player, so it’s not that big of a deal that he’s a total f—ing douche who has secret meetings with my quarterback, man… it’s no big deal… he’s just my qu-qu… my… excuse me!” as [...]