Depleted Mets drop Marlins 3-2; Carlos Beltran and John Maine knocked out with stomach virus, both vow to stop sharing pre-game popsicles.

Yanks mount comeback but fall to Indians in the ninth; Progressive field once again invaded by wildlife as seagulls soar overhead, Cleveland electing to hold back fleet of bears until their next postseason series with the Bombers.

Yankees tie record for errorless games streak held by 2006 Red Sox; Hank Steinbrenner uses transitive property of equality to show that the Red Sox didn’t win the World Series that year, so the Yankees obviously have no chance now, and officially throws in the towel on ’09.

Orlando ousts the Cavaliers to join the Lakers in the upcoming NBA Finals; Former Magic and Lakers star Shaquille O’Neal reveals his prediction on Twitter – “neither can win n e thing without the big aristotle. ive out danced dwight howard and made kobe taste my ass. i win”

Stanley Cup finals apparently going on; Barry Melrose says the Red Wings are up 2-0 on some kid with a shoddy beard.