Murphy’s five RBI’s lead Mets to 7-4 win and sweep of Nationals; Johan Santana distraught however, after giving up 3 runs to baseball’s most severely illiterate team.

Strong outing by Burnett, two dingers by Matsui lead Yanks past Rangers 9-2; Burnett’s 7 start winless drought ends after he implements new strategy of “not blowing so much.”

Disgruntled running back Thomas Jones finally reports for Jets’ OTA’s; Jets expect contract dispute to escalate however when Jones, a notoriously stoic blue-collar player, gets wind of new QB Mark Sanchez’s uber-sexy GQ photo shoot.

Melky Cabrera heads back to New York to have injured shoulder checked out; Team doctors confident the jovial center fielder can be easily treated with a little love and a lollipop.

Carlos Zambrano’s umpire bumping, ball tossing, gatorade machine bashing tirade dominates the days highlights; New teammate Milton Bradley gives Zambrano an A for effort but only a C+ for execution thanks to his failure to toss the battered gatorade machine onto the infield.

Joba struggles after rain delay as Yanks fall to Rangers 7-3; Chamberlain’s hopes that certain Yankees tendencies for enhanced performances in Texas would carry them to a win regardless fall flat.

Livan Hernandez throws 127 pitch complete game as Mets drop Nats 6-1; Manager Jerry Manuel to be indicted on severe violation of senior citizen labor laws.

Banged up Mets add Ryan Church and Jose Reyes to the DL; Church is presumed to clearly be suffering the effects of another concussion (that may or may not cause him to randomly miss crucial bases), while Jose Reyes really just wants out because all the cool kids will be in the dugout now.

Jose Canseco knocked out in 76 seconds by Korean 7-footer; Canseco’s MMA debut even shorter and more embarrassing than his steroid ravaged scrotum.

Jose Canseco is now 1-2 in pathetic, attention-whoring fights, previously beating Danny Bonaduce and losing to Vai Sikahema. He’s expected to square off with Flava Flav next month on the debut of VH1′s “So You Think You Can Cringe?”

It hasn’t been a good couple of months for former Net Jayson Williams. First his manslaughter case got reopened, then he got tasered for going all Zeppelin on a hotel room, and Monday morning he got arrested for punching someone in face at the Ugly Monkey Party Bar in Raleigh, North Carolina.

In Williams’ defense, Dick Vitale had it coming. But in Vitale’s defense, if Williams didn’t want to hang out with Dick Vitale, he wouldn’t have gone into the Ugly Monkey Party Bar in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Mets road woes continue in 5-3 loss to Dodgers; Murphy makes yet another Met error, as the left fielder is clearly having a tough time dealing with the dreadlocked, bacne covered fans of the “Mannywood” section in Dodger Stadium.

Sabathia dominates again in 9-1 victory over Orioles; New York ace attributes his recent dominance to tilting his cap further and further to the side when the Steinbrenners aren’t looking.

Knicks don’t gain or lose position, remain at 8th spot after draft lottery; Mike D’Antoni would likely love to nab sharp shooter Stephen Curry here to add to New York’s run and gun offense, provided the college star would be willing to unlearn any and all defensive skills he honed while at Davidson.

Unhappy Jets RB Jones will report to camp next week despite contract issues; After seeing the Jets draft running back Shonn Greene in the 3rd round this year, Jones pointed out that “a few contract disputes don’t mean I’m just going to hand my job to some punk former Mets outfielder.”

Speaking of broken cores, Carlos Delgado’s injury — what a shocker — might be more serious than the Mets originally thought. Turns out the slugger could even need season-ending hip surgery, bad news for the Mets and really bad news for A-Rod’s hip, which did not plan on being upstaged this season.

The Yanks return to the Bronx tonight, where A-Rod will make his long-awaited debut at the House that Loot Built. “I’m excited to see the locker room, batting cages and video room,” he said, adding, “but mostly the mirrors, and the giant posters of me. There are giant posters of me, right?” Ooh… awkward.

Federal investigators have questioned Glenn Dunn, a mutual friend of both Roger Clemens and Jose Canseco, though it should be noted that they weren’t asking Dunn about steroid use in baseball, but rather about why in hell anyone would choose to hang out with Roger Clemens and Jose Canseco.

Derek Jeter sat out his first game of the year with a sore side, saying, “it’s always annoying when you can’t play.” Yanks pitchers sick of Jeter’s miserable defense chimed in that it’s pretty annoying when Jeter does play, too.

Eli Manning and his wife Abby will announce plans today to bankroll a state-of-the-art birthing center bearing their name at St. Vincent’s Hospital in Manhattan. The QB said he has no plans to start a family any time soon, he’s just really hoping someone gets to work on making him a new receiver.

In what’s surely a sign of the Apocalypse, Stephon Marbury scored 12 points in the fourth quarter while leading a crew of Celtics reserves against the Magic to bring his team back in the game in Boston’s eventual win. “That unit won the game for us,” said coach Doc Rivers. “Dude,” Marbury added: “I know I’m a d@#$, but please don’t call me a unit.”

Manny being Trannie; Dodgers slugger suspended 50 games after testing positive for women’s fertility drug. 

Mets power past Phillies for early season sweep; Phils playing possum while taking bets on how far back they can fall before swiping the division title in September.

Rivera rocked in 9th as Yanks lose fifth straight;  Girardi senses mutiny afoot as steadfast closer gives up back-to-back jacks, then smiles and gives him the finger on his way into the locker room.

A-Rod to return to Yankee lineup today in Baltimore; Much maligned star hoping to pull some ironic laughs when he trots into Camden Yards in a Manny Ramirez jersey.

Favre shuns Vikings, elects to stick with retirement; Fickle quarterback turns his back in disgust upon learning Minnesota’s Metrodome houses artificial turf and is completely un-mowable.

Today is indeed a sad one for the National Pastime. News that affable dreadlocked slugger Manny Ramirez abused performance-enhancing drugs has shocked the sports world and couldn’t have come at a worse time, as it will now overshadow the continuing coverage of news that Alex Rodriguez abused performance-enhancing drugs.

As A-Rod returns to action this week, the public consciousness should be focused on his misdeeds, not moving on to those of another player. Selena Roberts, the brave patriot who first exposed A-Rod for having done what so many had done before, deserves better then to be overshadowed by a baseball player on the week her book was released. This was to be her moment in the sun; the public rallying around her, hoisting Ms. Roberts upon their collective shoulders and thanking God for sending his prophet to expose the secrets of athletes we admire.

Manny should be ashamed of himself.