Mets stumble in inaugural home opener, fall to Padres 6-5; MSNBC to dedicate 3 hours of coverage today to the irony of CITI Field opening with an unexpected loss.

Yanks suffer 15-5 pounding at the hands of reigning AL Champions Tampa Bay; Derek Jeter secretly blames uncharacteristic performance on A-Rod’s return to the dugout.

Nick Swisher throws scoreless 8th in Bombers loss; Swisher becomes the first Yankee position player since Wade Boggs to record a scoreless inning, and unlike Boggs, the very first to do it TO THE EXTREME.

Nets stage fourth quarter comeback against Bobcats reserves in 91-87 win; Riveted crowd of 7 storm the court at the Izod Center.

The Yanks head to Kansas City tonight to take on former teammate Sir Sidney Ponson, known for being a bad pitcher, an Aruban Knight and a drunk-driving jackass. Experts predict Ponson will get hammered by the Yankee lineup and again in the clubhouse before he drives home.

The Rangers clinched a playoff berth last night. The NHL postseason begins later this month and ends when everyone wonders how long the NHL postseason can possibly drag on for and stops paying attention entirely.

In sad news for people who like to make jokes about crappy members of the Mets, Marlon Anderson could play his last game for the team tonight. Luckily for me, he’ll be replaced by Livan Hernandez tomorrow.

John Maine has downplayed his recovery from the offseason surgery that removed a bony growth from his shoulder, but is thankful that everyone will finally stop talking about his bony growth.

Wang struggles to find his control in return as Yanks drop second straight to Orioles, lose 7-5; On the upside, those lucky enough to be listening on the radio got to enjoy hearing John Sterling say “The Orioles are really smacking Wang around.”

Mets hold on for 9-7 victory despite bullpen giving up 3 runs; “That’s the beauty of having an offense like we do,” manager Jerry Manuel said, “it affords us a little wiggle room.  And there is absolutely no reason to believe our bats won’t be just as effective in similar situations come September.”  He then excused himself, headed to the rest room, and spent the next half hour vomiting wildly.

Jason Taylor less than enthused at possible opportunity to play for the Jets; “Look, I’ll prance around on national television dressed like a confused cheerleading instructor,” Taylor said, “but suit up for the Jets? Please, I have my dignity.”

Nets lose heartbreaker to Celts, officially out of the playoff race with Knicks loss; “Well, unfortunately our hopes rested on the Knicks beating Detroit tonight,” coach Lawrence Frank pointed out, “But then again, I suppose there’s something to be said for not having false expectations and already knowing you’re completed boned going into it.”

Knicks make Pistons look like their dominant teams of old in 113-86 pasting at the Garden; Stress of running the Knicks for almost an entire season makes team president Donnie Walsh look curiously older than his actual age of 42.

Johan Santana solid in debut, tight game preserved by bullpen in 2-1 Mets win over Cinci; J.J. Putz and Francisco Rodriguez return to their post-game lockers to find a steak dinner, a platinum rolex, and a signed headshot that reads “I love you.  Truly Yours, Johan,” waiting for each of them. 

CC Sabathia and Mark Teixeira fall short of expectations in debut as Yanks fall to O’s 10-5; Hank Steinbrenner waiting until A.J. Burnett’s debut before releasing a statement that he never wanted any of them and this is all Cashman’s fault.

Tarheels coast to national title, beat Spartans 89-72; Win gives senior Tyler Hansbrough storybook ending he returned to school for, assures he won’t be able to close his eyes again until well into his second NBA season.

Plaxico Burress wins $1 million grievance against Giants; Arbitrator points out that New York was not legally allowed to withhold money Burress earned before his misconduct, even in the event he suffered an injury of Maxwell Smart-like proportions.

Giants release wide receiver Plaxico Burress amid legal troubles; Coach Tom Coughlin feels they should be able to fill the void nicely as a promising youngster by the name of Harris Smith has emerged as a real talent in early workouts. 

Mets add power by signing veteran slugger Gary Sheffield; Outspoken outfielder already diligently working on theories for why he will be not be re-signed following this season, as he fears his old standby (saying that Jerry Manuel is a racist) might not fly.

Knicks, Raptors end one another’s playoff hopes on back to back days; Die hard Toronto basketball fans devastated to be missing post season, also shocked at the news they have lost both Vince Carter and Tracy McGrady.

Nets pound on Sixers in 96-67 beating in New Jersey; Big win keeps Nets’ slim hopes of a first round playoff exit alive.

Fancy digs at the new Yankee Stadium have Cubs ace pushing for Chicago to do away with Wrigley; Zambrano also hoping Cubs finally shoot the lock off their wallet and buy him that neck he has always wanted.

Mets beat Cards 5-2 despite Santana serving up dingers to Chris Duncan and Rick Ankiel; Ouch Johan, giving up a home run to a pitcher?  I mean sure, he’s a former pitcher turned outfielder who is suspected of having taken HGH at one time or another… but still, ouch.

Yanks drop Phillies 8-2 to finish with a Grapefruit League best record of 22-10-1; Disappointed Bombers robbed of extravagant post-game celebration when they realize someone had dropped the ball and completely forgotten to cover their locker room with plastic following the game.

Nets show they still have some fight left, dismiss Pistons 111-98; Loss to a Nets team that has only won 7 of their last 24 games also marks the official nail in the coffin of the Pistons dynasty.

Jets fans cringe as an “unlikely” new team throws their hat in the ring for Jay Cutler; What? Dan Snyder willing to give up on current players and throw himself shamelessly at the latest hot commodity to hit the market?  Well I just have to say that I, Bruce Smith, Dana Stubblefield, Deion Sanders, Jason Taylor, Albert Haynesworth, and DeAngelo Hall are all shocked… just SHOCKED.

Cutler gets what he wants, Broncos now say they’re looking to trade star quarterback; Jets fans hoping they’re lucky enough to land Cutler, and enjoy at least a season of him before he demands a trade upon hearing rumors that Rex Ryan offered him up for Joe Flacco.

Knicks make solid comeback effort, but fall short in 111-104 loss to Nuggets; 10th loss in 11 games has Knicks climbing higher and higher in the draft, team hopeful that with the help of Isiah Thomas they could be in line to nab the next Renaldo Balkman.

Joba Chamberlain solid in his last spring training start as Yankees drop Reds 6-3; Young Yankee hurler once again postpones DUI hearing in order to free up the night for getting blitzed at a strip club to celebrate his win. 

Mets beat Marlins 9-2, but lose reliever to injury; Met fans not at all worried to hear that J.J. Putz, who was brought in to toughen up their anemic middle relief, had to be removed due to a vicious fingernail injury.