Mets can’t find relief as bullpen blows win for Santana; New York headlines riddled with “Putz” jokes are officially Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau approved.

Joba Chamberlain dominates in Yankees 8-6 win over Tigers; Pitcher credits strong outing to relaxation method in which he pictures a tiny little Yogi Berra doing a jig on each batter’s shoulder.

Favre officially released by Jets, remains insistent that he will stay retired; “I’m really enjoying the retired life and see no reason to change things,” Favre explained. “Oh, and off the record,” he continued, “see you in Minnesota in June.”

Isiah Thomas signs four Junior College players and one smoking hot senior VP of marketing and business operations at FIU.

Capitals’ Donald Brashear suspended for six games for pregame misconduct and blindside hit on Blair Betts during game 6; Caps chances of winning game 7 greatly improved now that they can insert someone with actual hockey skills into Brashear’s spot in the lineup.

Santos’ grand slam and Maine’s strong outing lead Mets in 7-1 win over Marlins; Grand slam marks the first in Citi Field history, and the first time a Mets catcher did something worth mentioning since Paul Lo Duca’s “Dude, come on,” steroid defense.

Sabathia fans seven, goes the distance, but is out-dueled in 4-2 loss to Detroit; After riding CC through the losing effort, GIrardi already considering having him start every three days in order to make a playoff push.

Reportedly suicidal ex-Net Jayson Williams zapped with stun gun by New York police; Isiah Thomas reaches out to offer him advice in his time of trouble and extend the olive branch for a possible assistant coaching slot at FIU.

Monday, April 27, 2009; NEW YORK – The New York Jets of the National Football League made an important scientific discovery at last weekend’s NFL Player Selection Meeting, uncovering a previously unknown subspecies of SN GRN. The new creature, known as “Shonn Greene,” is a close relative of the previously discovered Shawn Green and Sean Green, however, reports from the field indicate that Shonn Greene is in fact a distinct entity.

Like its cousins, Shawn Green and Sean Green, Shonn Green has counted the greater New York area among its vast territory, which has in the past extended as far west as Iowa where, coincidentally, Shawn Green has been discovered as well. While Shawn Green no longer populates the New York area, the newly discovered Shonn Green is expected to thrive in the city’s dense urban environment and co-exist with the present population of Sean Green.

“He has the same name as two other professional athletes, but spelled differently,” SNY’s Ted Berg said during an interview following the Saturday discovery of Shonn Green. Added Berg: “It’s a mildly funny coincidence, but there is a whole lot of other stuff going on out there that you could be writing about.”

Jets trade up to land USC quarterback Sanchez; Move east means rookie is likely to trade his casual, surfer quaff for a more gel-infused, Jersey boy blowout.

Jacoby Ellsbury steals home, the heart of Jon Miller, and Yankees’ dignity as Sox complete weekend sweep.

Perez hit hard as Mets fall to Nationals; Jerry Manuel considering sending the unreliable $36 million pitcher to the minors… or just putting him out to pasture and shooting him.

Canes force game seven with 4-0 rout of New Jersey; Devils confident going into series finale though, as they’re sure the return to Newark will have the Hurricanes far too distracted with how they’ll get home safely to worry about winning the game too. 

Lundqvist bounced from the net for the second straight game as Caps beat Rangers 5-3 to force a game seven; Coach Tortorella admonishes goalie following the game, squirting him and striking him with a water bottle in the locker room.

Cardinals sweep away Mets with 12-8 win in St. Louis; Mets take solace in humor of hearing manager Jerry Manual say that “Pujols really unloaded on us” in the post-game press conference.

Brodeur stops 44 shots in record tying 23rd playoff shutout as Devils top Canes 1-0; Goalie relieved to not give up any last minute shots, despite the fact that shattering his stick against the boards following game 4 was “actually pretty cool.”

Prior to Boston series, Big Papi asks Joba not to throw at the Red Sox; Chamberlain in response says, “Man, the next thing you know he’s gonna be asking me not to go to a Boston area strip club and drive home completely loaded while I’m there… I can’t take all these restrictions!”

Abundance of empty seats have Mets, Yankees reconsidering ticket prices; Team execs worried that empty seats may confuse fans into thinking they are crappy teams, when in fact it is simply a case of their insatiable bloodlust for money.

Mets’ miscues prove costly in 6-4 loss to Cards; Daniel Murphy chooses inopportune moment to test out his new “sitting on my ass catch” in left field.

Pettitte and Rivera tie win/save record as Yanks drop A’s 5-3; Receiving slightly less attention, was Jason Giambi tying Brett Favre’s record for most man embraces during a New York sporting event.

Devils three goal comeback wasted as Canes shock them with last second goal; Brodeur’s complaints of interference fall on deaf ears, while Sean Avery gleefully watches from his secret lair, eagerly awaiting a possible Rangers-Devils matchup.

Giants, Jets both rumored to have interest as trade talks for Anquan Boldin heat up; Boldin showing some interest, but unsure if he wants to deal with the hassle of paying extra for a “Personal Locker License” at the new stadium.

Caps solve Lundqvist and the Rangers, win 4-0 at the Garden; Apparently, Alexander Ovechkin’s spy tactics are far more effective than any of us would have ever imagined.

Yanks-A’s matchup postponed due to rain; Yankee fans disappointed to see that the return of Jason Giambi and his magical golden thong apparently yields no control over the weather.

Mets decide not to erase Doc Gooden’s autograph from wall in new stadium bar after all; No word yet on their decision on how to deal with Mike Piazza writing his telephone number in all of the men’s bathroom stalls.

Jets move part of camp upstate to SUNY Cortland; New coach Rex Ryan feels nothing unites a team quite like isolation and 50 cent drafts at college bars.

After the game, it was revealed that the Yanks’ loss was due to a hex placed on the team by a Red Sox fan who buried Scott Schoeneweis under the new park’s bullpen.

Willie Randolph was on hand for the Yankee Stadium opener thanks only to the police escort that was needed to get him through traffic on the Cross Bronx Expressway. Nooner legal experts say the law hasn’t intervened in Willie’s baseball activities since cops had to forcibly restrain him from using Guillermo Mota in close games.

CC Sabathia battled through 5 2/3 innings and allowed only one run, but was frustrated that he needed 122 pitches to get to that point and disappointed that Cleveland batters weren’t more intimidated by his trademark Walrus face.

Shot at no hitter broken up, but Burnett leads Yanks to 7-2 win over Rays; Dominant performance by Burnett allows the weary arms of Nick Swisher and the bullpen to get some much needed rest.

Ex-Met Ambiorix Burgos gets 9 month jail sentence for September ’08 assault on girlfriend; Burgos reportedly told the woman during the attack that “The police won’t do anything to me.  I’m a baseball player.”  Troubled pitcher’s future now more bleak than ever considering he stopped his car, backed up, and said the exact same thing to the victims of his October ’08 hit and run before driving off.

Isiah Thomas accepts position to coach FIU basketball.  Random fun fact of the day: FIU actually stands for F*cking Insane University.

Islanders come up lucky, land #1 pick in 2009 draft; Isles torn between two strong prospects, but sure they will immediately sign whomever they draft to a 23-year, guaranteed contract.