Burress gun hearing adjourned until June 15th; Judge looking for a bit more time to work on his already riotous array of prepared Applebee’s, Harris Smith, and Cheddar Bob quips.

Rangers drop Devils 3-0 at the Garden; Avery/Brodeur showdown drama free, save for Avery starting up an “AL-I-MONY” chant from the penalty box with the game already well in hand in the 3rd period.

Richard Jefferson drops double-double on former team as the Bucks hammer the Nets 107-78; “The Nets organization decided I wasn’t good enough for East Rutherford, so they sent me to Milwaukee,” Jefferson said in a post-game interview, “I will never forget that, and whether in this life or the next… I shall have my revenge.”

Despite blowing 24 point lead, Jazz hold off feisty Knicks 112-104; “It’s kind of like when you played with you’re most unathletic, slow-witted friend as a kid,” Jazz guard Deron Williams pointed out, “You don’t want to completely blow him out of the water every time or he’ll never want to play with you again.  But there always comes that one time where you get too lax and suddenly that goofy bastard is actually on the verge of a win… it’s not a fun feeling.”

New Yanks pitcher A.J. Burnett said winning a championship was the only reason he joined the team, except, of course, the 82.5 million dollars and the cushy digs in the new stadium trainer’s room.

Georgetown’s Sean Lamont hit the first homer at Citi Field but was disappointed when the new home run apple didn’t pop up. “I don’t know if that’s in the budget,” he joked afterwards. Hmm… sellout crowd and every single one of them buying concessions instead of watching a crappy college basketball game… must not be an econ major.

Well, Villanova, Michigan St., North Carolina and UConn advanced to this weekend, meaning that only one of Barack Obama’s four picks — UNC — made the final four. Embarrassing. Experts are calling Obama’s bracket challenge by far the biggest problem he’ll need to face in the coming year.

More news in the Madonna-Malawi adoption story. Apparently her would-be child’s grandmother has wondered, “why doesn’t this singer pick other children?” and called it “stealing.” Madonna has countered that she’s simply trying to make herself more attractive to former Yankee prospect Jose Tabata. Hey, she likes ‘em young.

In a story too bizarre to ignore, the wife of 20-year-old former Yankees’ prospect Jose Tabata has been charged with abducting a two-month old baby. Of course, the strangest part of the story might be that Tabata’s wife is 43, and just wanted to make it clear once and for all that she’s most definitely a cradle-robber.

Leon Washington, in the last year of his contract, deemed his contributions to the Jets, quote, “priceless,” which is believed to be worth about $4 million a year.

“I’m trying to revolutionize the game,” said Washington, “like a Dave Meggett or a Gale Sayers.” No word on whether the Jets and their running back have begun negotiations, but hopefully it’ll start with a dictionary that includes “priceless” and “revolutionize.”

The Yanks announced that CC Sabathia will start Opening Day at the new stadium, an event Joe Girardi expects will make them like “kids in a candy store.” Of course, in Sabathia’s case, that means he’ll ransack the place for every available gummi bear.

Carlos Beltran will open the Carlos Beltran Academy, a high school in Puerto Rico to help prepare students for the rigors of Major League baseball. Young athletes will take courses like, “Econ 101: Producing in A Contract Year,” “Bird Watching: How to approach a Cardinal’s Curveball,” and of course, “How to Succeed in Business without looking like you’re really trying.”

Late technical foul on Harrington’s dunk helps send game to OT as Knicks fall to Clippers 140-135; Realizing the fact that this EXACT same thing happened when the Knicks and Clippers met on February 11th, the team has begun investigating into the possibility of a hole in the space-time continuum.

Cavs set team record with 58th win, drop Nets 98-87; Nets playoff hopes looking slimmer and slimmer, but it remains a possibility if they can manage a win against the Lakers tomorrow night.  In other words… see you next year Nets fans.

Perez rocked for six runs in 3 2/3 innings as Mets lose to Tigers 10-6; Pitching coach Dan Warthen worried that Perez’s inclusion on Team Mexico may have gotten him out of shape, and will steadfastly stick to that assertion during every horribly inconsistent outing Perez has this season.

NFL considering expanding season to a grueling 17 or 18 games; “Sure there have been a few deaths on the practice field, but none in the games,” commissioner Roger Goodell pointed out, “plus this move is just laying the groundwork for eventually giving the players weapons and randomly releasing lions and tigers onto the playing field beginning in the 2020 season.”

Pelfrey smacked around in Mets 8-0 loss to Astros; Pudge Rodriguez hits his first homer for Houston, saying “It feels good to be back in Texas.  Like REALLY good.  Like the kind of good feeling you get when you’re one of 103 people who clearly did something glaringly wrong but will never have to face it.”

Burnett strong on the hill, Austin Jackson belts grand slam in Yanks 7-1 victory over Red Sox; Following game, Girardi gives Jackson traditional “Congratulations… now get the hell out.”

Umenyiora ready for 2009, says his injured knee is currently at 99 percent; Also credits the good people at 5 Hour Energy with helping along his speedy recovery, looks directly into the camera, calls himself the “5 Hour Energy guru,” and chuckles amicably. 

Mangini announces open competition for starting quarterback position in Cleveland; Says he is glad to have a tough decision between two solid quarterbacks like Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson, because now at least he won’t be forced to name his next child Kellen.

Knicks honor legends from each decade spanning from the 40′-90′s during halftime ceremony; Latrell Sprewell conspicuously absent, as he was invited to represent the 2000′s, but was unable to convince the airline to let him pay for his flight with autographed pictures of his repossessed yacht.

Knicks lead big in the fourth, but fall to Magic 106-102; This time around, Willis Reed’s presence only able to inspire fellow Knicks to hold onto a lead longer than expected, then completely blow it… ESPN Classic reportedly turns down offer for copy of this game tape.

Orlando coach Stan Van Gundy questions Knicks organization’s true appreciation of Ewing; “Why is it that when they were searching for a new coach he couldn’t even get an interview, or at the very least a shot at an assistant spot?” Van Gundy wondered, “Somehow all they have to offer this man who gave them so much is some stupid ring at halftime, a pat on the butt, and a hearty ‘Okay, you had your moment. Now get the hell back to your own bench so you can continue helping another team NOT win championships.’”

Jets interest in Cutler may be for naught, as McDaniels insists “He’s our quarterback… unless the Jets can somehow come up with a 3-way deal that would land us Matt Cassel… Why?  Do you think that’s a possibility? Do they know something I don’t?! Oh my God, oh my God oh my GODDDD!!!”

Santana K’s seven as Mets stomp Braves 12-1;Yankees staunchly holding to assertion that refusing to give up Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes in bid for Santana was still the right move.

Posada shows off surgically repaired shoulder, cuts down 3 base-stealers in minor league match up with Pirates; Pirates declare “WWII veteran pinch runners” day a resounding failure.

U.S. bounced from WBC semifinals in 9-4 loss to Japan; Korea-Japan final promises to compete heavily with re-runs of The Fresh Prince on Nick at Night for Monday ratings.

Nets fall to Cavs at home 96-88; Jay Z says in post game press conference that he is still confident the Nets will have a shot at LeBron in 2010 even if they remain in New Jersey… LeBron’s subsequent, uncontrollable laughter is heard anywhere within a 3 mile radius of the arena.

Knicks spanked by Nets 115-89 as both make push for final playoff spot; Even while wearing their lucky green uniforms for St. Patrick’s Day, Knicks feel having filled their Gatorade coolers with green beer may have had an adverse effect on their shooting percentage.

Livan Hernandez closing in on landing the Mets fifth rotation spot; Livan’s half brother, Orlando “El Duque” Hernandez, closing in on landing AARP card.

Matsui feeling fresh, to remain DH and out of the outfield until at least June; Slugger relieved as extra time in dugout will allow his knee to heal fully, as well as give him some much needed downtime to catalogue his astonishingly immense porn collection.

Nets suspend Sean Williams for two games after his arrest in Denver mall; Williams stakes claim that tossing the computer monitor had nothing to do with any altercation but was simply a result of his frustration with “God damn Windows Vista.”

Isiah says he’s doing fine, and is looking forward to helping the Knicks with the ’09 draft; Worst case scenario, Thomas says, if he screws up and suggests an inexcusable draft pick he’ll just tell Donnie Walsh and the media at large that it was actually his daughter who did it.

Nuggets get revenge on Nets in embarrassing 121-96 rout; Denver capitalizes on absence of Devin Harris (due to injury) and Sean Williams (out with a severe case of Russell Crowe).

Mets sign infielder Junior Spivey to a minor league contract; Move largely insignificant at this point, save for the fact that Omar Minaya just really enjoyed saying his name in a pirate voice… (Go ahead, try it.  It really is kind of fun)

Swisher leads Yanks with 3 RBI’s in win over Phillies; Swisher’s effectiveness assures us an April full of Michael Kay babbling about his fun-loving ways and how he has managed to loosen up the Yankee locker room with his fancy Ipod and his rock and roll music.

Cole Hamels returns to Philly to have his ailing elbow looked at; Mets brass hoping natural injury will take out the World Series MVP so they won’t be forced to hire that guy who took out Happy Gilmore for Hamels’ Citi Field debut.

No structural damage found in Cano’s elbow, second baseman will treat swelling and return by Friday; Young star will however keep bursitis excuse close to his hip should he enjoy another stellar first half of treading slightly above the Mendoza line.