Brandon Jacobs says the Giants need Plaxico Burress back in order to make another title run; Or, if he is unavailable, that they need to make a move for Marvin Harrison.  Bottom line, this team is only one wide receiver with a felony weapons charge away from a Super Bowl.

Jose Reyes goes deep twice and drives in six runs from the 3 spot in the lineup, leading Mets to 9-0 win over Marlins; “I didn’t do anything different today,” Reyes insisted, “well, except for that thong I was wearing… Maybe that Giambi guy was onto something.”

Jorge Posada, Shelley Duncan notch homers in Yanks 5-1 win; Shelley’s return to the spotlight gives fans much needed time to analyze his odd celebrity resemblance.

A-Rod told to keep his cousin away after catching a ride; GM Cashman asks that Alex’s now infamous cousin Yuri Sucart be kept away from games, practices, team hotel, and A-Rod’s ass.

Brodeur notches 99th career shutout in return from injury; Rangers notch first “Oh sh*t, maybe the coach wasn’t the problem” loss in Tortorella’s debut.

Knicks fall to Magic 114-109 despite three late, clutch shots by Danilo Gallinari; Loss saves New Yorkers from classy headlines like “3 spicy meat-a-balls” and “That’s A’3-more’!”

A-Rod homers to help give Yanks win in Grapefruit opener; Slugger says crowd wasn’t as bad as an average Fenway bunch… while rabid Red Sox fans sat in their homes fashioning makeshift syringe costumes and anxiously awaiting April 24th.

Harris scores 19 of his 42 in the fourth quarter to lead Nets past Bulls; New Jersey goes 25-for-25 at the free throw line, unless you count that fan who totally airballed his chance for a $50 gift certificate to Red Lobster at halftime… what a putz.

Mets win Grapefruit opener behind solid veteran hitting; Castillo and Church determined to prove they won’t warrant replacement until at least halfway through the year.

Giants sign Brandon Jacobs to four-year, $25 million deal; Contract assures fans in local market 4 more years of hearing that a 265 pound man should not be able to run like that.  Well you know what? Martin Lawrence had no problem moving like a puma in Big Momma’s House, so get over it!

Jets will allow WR Laveranues Coles to become a free agent; Coles looking forward to joining his former QB in Miami and crushing the Jets’ playoff hopes in a devastating final game.

Marbury finally waived by Knicks and free to join a playoff contender; Celtics excited about possibility of adding more pop off the bench, as well as more trucks  rocking back and forth in the team parking lot.

A-Rod preparing for hostile reception in first exhibition game; Superstar says it’s nothing he’s not used to, especially considering the twice monthly hostile receptions his butt endured for roughly six months each year from 2001-2003.

Syracuse beats up on St John’s as Coach Boeheim sets record for 20 win seasons; Red Storm fast approaching record for longest time spent as Big East punching bag.

Memphis Grizzly and astonishing fugly-face Marko Jaric secretly marries supermodel Adriana Lima on Valentine’s Day… ATTN: Hideous Uggoes – In case it was not entirely clear already, FOCUS ALL ENERGY ON DEVELOPING ATHLETICISM.

Nate takes advantage of depleted Pacers as Knicks win 123-119; Guard gives his signed dunk contest jersey to celebrity Will Ferrell after the game, Ferrell reportedly overwhelmed and “in a glass case of emotion.”

Devin Harris’ ridiculous half-court buzzer beater carries Nets over Sixers; Harris upset in retrospect that he didn’t join the H-O-R-S-E competition on All Star weekend and use his shot to win something that really matters.

Reeling Rangers fire head coach Tom Renney, replace him with coach who led the Lightning to the Cup in 2004… and was subsequently fired; Average shelf-life of an NHL coach now only slightly longer than that of a nice block of sharp cheddar.

Ryan Church looking to prove he deserves to start; Concussion prone outfeilder also hoping to figure out which hand he wears his glove on and where he parked his car.

A few that didn’t make the show today:

Well, the great conspiracy has been revealed in Texas. It was A-rod’s cousin Yuri Sucart on the grassy knoll that day in Dallas.

This officially eliminates other suspects in the “who’s A-Rod’s drug pushing cousin” debate –- and it’s too bad. I had a three guy parlay in the office pool between Nino Brown in New Jack City, Johnny Deep in Blow, and Tony Montana. “Say hello to my little friend! Watch him strike out in October!”

Yes, Sucart was named as the cousin that A-Rod sold down the river and slid under the bus in his steroid admission. The one who bought the “boli” in the Dominican Republic. The one who injected A-Rod’s A-Buns twice a month for three years. The one who just can’t wait for the next Rodriguez family reunion. Hey cousin, A-Rod! Thanks for the awesome secret Santa gift! Guess what I’m getting you, jackass.

George Steinbrenner made a rare appearance at the Yankees Spring Training Stadium. The aging Boss was looking a little frail, so A-rod said “hey, I got something that will perk you up a little”

OK, so that was a cheap shot, but it didn’t really hurt anyone. Yeah, I know it’s not nice to make fun of a used up, old blowhard that no one wants to see around anymore considering his current condition, but hey, A-Rod is signed for nine more years, so we just have to deal with talking about him, OK?

Over in Mets camp, Jose Valentin said regretted not knowing earlier that a laser surgery was available to fix a pinched nerve in his neck, admitted he only found out about it when he went in for his monthly laser mustache sharpening.

Final pieces of Shea Stadium come down; Mets fans desperately hoping that talk of the 2009 collapse ends with that.

Derek Jeter has A-Rod’s back, miffed at the use of the term “steroid era”; “Not everyone is doing it,” the Yankee captain pointed out, “It’s like in the ‘supposed’ Renaissance period, I’m sure there were plenty of dumb asses who were laying around doing nothing to improve the world… but no one makes note of them.”

Solid game by Kidd gives Mavs the win over Nets;  Mark Cuban to permanently hitch his wagon to this single game in proving he was right to trade Devin Harris.

Castillo feels like new man, aims to find a way to prove his worth; Second baseman determined on improved play in ’09, and will also return $10 million to the Mets.

A-Rod reveals further details about his steroid use in first press conference; Goes with the fallback excuse every kid uses the first time he is caught with pot… “I was young and stupid and my cousin gave it to me.”

Knicks snap 6-game losing streak, beat Spurs 112-107 in OT; Nate Robinson’s superb performance once again just short of causing commentator Gus Johnson to hemorrhage and bleed out live on the air.

Giants’ Ahmad Bradshaw serving remainder of 60 day sentence in offseason; Plaxico Burress hoping to strike a similar deal that will allow him to continue playing, while serving out his jail sentence in small increments over the course of the next 12 offseasons.

Nets fall to Rockets 114-88; Loss likely due to focusing offense strictly on Vince Carter, in hopes of convincing the Rockets to take him home with them.

Feds interview Pettitte on whether Clemens lied to Congress; Pettitte asks for postponement as he is currently focusing all of his attention on A-Rod issue, so he doesn’t misremember anything about it in the future.

Alex Rodriguez to face media in press conference on Tuesday; Many teammates and coaches attending to be there for their friend and have his bacne in his time of need.

Ranger fall to Blues 2-1, drop eighth of their last nine; Mets and Jets fans alike shocked at the possibility of a New York team’s late season bed crapping.

Isles ruin new Penguins coach’s debut with 3-2 shootout victory; Sidney Crosby blows final shot, Gatorade to re-edit his commercial to feature him being stonewalled by Joey MacDonald and his new coach immediately being fired.

David Ortiz believes all players should be tested for steroids, and anyone who tests positive should be banned for one year; Slugger well educated on negative effects after enduring a sudden drop in power numbers and increase in nagging injuries in last few seasons.

A-Rod calls SI writer Selena Roberts to apologize; Rodriguez says he’s sure Roberts accepts his apology and that she knows it is sincere, as she is probably outside his window watching him as they speak.

Shaq and Kobe split MVP honors as West dominates 2009 All-Star game; Duo assures media that there are no problems between them and that Kobe certainly has no idea how his former teammate’s ass tastes.

Knicks’ Robinson wins ’09 dunk contest; Donning green jersey, 5’9″ guard jumps over reigning champ Dwight Howard, slides down a magical rainbow and dunks into his precious pot of gold for the win.

Giants use franchise tag on running back Brandon Jacobs; Place A-hole tag on Plaxico Burress to be worn all of next season as penalty.