Mets able to avoid arbitration with Church and Pagan; Outfielders sign one year deals that guarantee each will play at least 5 games before severely injuring themselves.

Yankees avoid arbitration with Nady and Cabrera; Outfielders reach one year deals that guarantee us another season of John Sterling screaming “X marks the spot!” and a bit more “Melky being Melky” before he’s inevitably sent down to the minors.

Islanders lose DiPietro for the year to knee injury; Team confident franchise goalie will heal fully sometime before his 15 year contract is up.

Kirk Radomski admits he believes Brian McNamee over Roger Clemens; “Who can you believe if not me?” Radomski asked, “I mean after all, I was the one selling the drugs… I even went to the pharmacy to pick up Roger’s medication for the ear infection he had on his forehead.”

Two Cardinals fans cited for burning cheers into Donovan McNabb’s front lawn; McNabb points out that if he was willing to put up with home vandalism and constant danger he’d just have his offseason home in Philadelphia.

Duhon helps lift Knicks over former team in 102-98 win; Knicks part of MLK Day miracle as they somehow triumph over Chicago despite the crushing blow of losing the guy who brings the bagels for the rest of the season.

Giants promote Sheridan to D-coordinator; Former linebackers coach relieved to pass along duties of helping hide firearms for Antonio Pierce.

Jets officially announce hiring of Rex Ryan at head coach, while somewhere in Ray Finkle-esque bedroom, Jeff Jagodzinski plans his kidnapping and subsequent killing.

Baseball almost set to return as rosters are released for the annual “If any of our All Stars get injured in this crap I’m going to kill myself” classic.

Cards top Eagles 32-25 to take NFC championship; Following Tampa Bay Rays World Series appearance, Cardinals’ Super Bowl berth leaves civilization just a single locust swarm short of full-on armageddon.

Steelers drop Ravens 23-14 in defensive fight for AFC supremacy; Troy Polamalu’s mane outdoes Joe Flacco’s unibrow in battle for most valuable hair.

Jets to go with first time head coach Rex Ryan in 2009; Organization still unwilling to waver from prophetic 8 ball’s early 2000 prediction that blind hope over experience would assuredly lead the franchise to long term success.

Giants lose defensive coordinatoor thanks to Rams’ head coaching vacancy; Spagnuolo elects the safe confines of dome life in order to avoid losing his youthful face to Coughlin syndrome.

Knicks top Wizards behind David Lee’s 30 points and 10 rebounds; Wizards attempt at intimidation by subbing in Gilbert Arenas’ wax figure is fruitless as Lee rolls.

Balanced Celtics dismiss Nets 118-86; Celts run away with game after 1st quarter dunk prompts a Kevin Garnett scream that causes Nets’ coach Lawrence Frank to wet himself and dash into the locker room.

Ex-Giant comes to rescue of Plaxico Burress; Dave Meggett takes heat off the currently embattled receiver by selflessly adding another notch to the old sexual battery belt.

Yanks invite Shelly Duncan and Kei Igawa to camp despite poor ’08; Coaches looking forward to betting on hilarious batting practice comprised of Duncan wildly swinging at one Igawa dirtball after another.

Rangers extend Isles losing streak to 5; Slow New York sports night forces amateur writers everywhere to feign interest in 2-1, regular season hockey game.

Plaxico Burress in court over rental car; Troubled receiver facing allegations that he took damaged Chevy Avalanche to a repair shop, claimed it was a Silverado, and that it had been shot in the parking lot of an Applebee’s.

Assembly subpoenas Yankees’ president over new stadium; The investigation focuses mainly on the use of public money for the stadium, as assemblyman doesn’t foresee enough people visiting the South Bronx Hard Rock Cafe in the offseason to justify it.

Braves making big moves with deals for Lowe and Kawakami; Atlanta hoping offseason acquisitions can help them find themselves in second place in late August, which would all but assure them victory in the NL East.

Knicks end road trip on a high note, knock off Hornets 101-95; Team decides January is a little early to begin completely tanking for lottery picks, will hold off until after the All Star break.

Rookie Brook Lopez comes up big in OT win over Thunder; Nets penalized one game in the standings for needing overtime to beat Oklahoma City.

Henderson, a former Met and Yankee, voted into Hall of Fame on first ballot; Vegas’ greatest minds hard at work establishing the over/under on the amount of times Rickey will say “Rickey” in his induction speech.

Mets’ catching criticism for lackluster inaugural season patch; Good people behind Microsoft Word Clip Art defending the design vigorously.

Eddy Curry being sued by former employee; Ex-driver says Curry owes him back pay, sexually harrassed him, berated him with racial slurs, and jeopardized his future as a driver when he ate his right leg.

Big Blue falls to rival Eagles 23-11 in playoff exit; Philly now charged with task of keeping a Cardinals Super Bowl from tearing a hole in the space time continuum and killing us all.

Despite absence of two biggest stars, Rockets roll Knicks 96-76; Houston backup Von Wafer drops 15 despite Eddy Curry’s attempts to dip him in chocolate and devour him.

After playoff loss, Giants GM considering bringing back Plax in ’09; Eli’s uncanny ability to overthrow any receiver reminds Reese that the 6’5″ self mutilator could still be a real asset to the team.

Syracuse comes out on top in battle at Rutgers; Jonny Flynn’s dunk sparks win, Eric Devendorf’s menacing presence clears gym of all women and effeminate men.

Favre reportedly taking at least one month before deciding future; Perennial pro bowler also allegedly taking at least 3 months before deciding on inevitable and ill-advised return to some poor, unfortunate, and misguided franchise.

Florida Gators lock up BCS title with 24-14 win over Sooners; Tim Tebow now officially more widely accepted in the state of Florida than the AARP card.

Knicks make it respectable, but fall by 5 to the Mavs in the end; Dallas win falls on bicentennial of Jason Kidd’s first victory over the Knicks as a member of the Washington Generals.

Mets extend offer to Redding; Hoping right hander can at the very least bring depth to their starting rotation, upon learning free agent was not in fact Otis Redding, and could in no way bolster their soul or rythym and blues presence come October.

In hopes of gaining insight on some of his clients, Mets brass hold extensive session with agent Scott Boras; Shortly after the session, a young priest and an old priest were seen entering Citi Field armed to the teeth with holy water-filled Super Soakers.

Browns decide on optimal replacement for loveable but hapless fatty Crennel; Sign likeable but clueless chubster Mangini to 4 year deal.

Nets knock off Grizzlies for third straight home win; Carter and team able to maintain composure despite raucous contingent of Memphis die hards who made the trip to take in the gorgeous Izod Center and cheer on the Grizz.

Cowboys cut ties with Pacman Jones amidst discovery of his possible involvement in a 2007 shooting; Troubled cornerback now only one felony accusation away from reaching official Super Villian status.