Alex Rodriguez is just like every girl we went to middle school with on Long Island back in the mid-90s. He’s obsessed with Derek Jeter, he loves Madonna, and he spends an hour in front of his mirror every morning making sure his makeup is absolutely perfect before he leaves the house.

We wouldn’t be surprised to find out that A-Rod is always begging everybody for a ride to the mall, where he’ll browse through the jewelry at Claire’s then hang out in the food court while complaining about how fat he’s getting.

The funniest part, though, about everything we’ve learned about A-Rod in the past few years is everything we’ve forgotten about A-Rod in the past few years. Specifically the part about how he’s one of the best baseball players of all time. Honestly, some day not too long from now the dude’s going to be the sport’s home-run king. And how are we going to remember him?

As a weird, mancrushing, stripper-loving, old-lady chasing egomaniac who alienated all his teammates. And we wouldn’t want it any other way.