We always think its a little bit funny when a newspaper sportswriter dies and all the other sportswriters memorialize him like he was the Single Greatest Human Who Has Ever Walked The Face Of The Earth, because we know exactly what’s going on there. Not that we blame the eulogists, of course. They want people to fawn over them when they die, so they do their part when their collegues pass. We get it.

But this Larry Fitzgerald thing is too much. In case you’ve missed the coverage in every single paper, Fitzgerald’s father is a sportswriter and Fitzgerald is about the biggest stud playing in the Super Bowl. And sportswriters love this. Not only does it give them an outlet to discuss one of their favorite topics — the fallacy of journalistic disinterest — but it gives them hope that despite all their failures in athletic pursuits, they, too, might someday have a son who grows up to be the best wide receiver in the NFL.

Guess what? Probably not going to happen. And as cool as we think Larry Fitzgerald Jr. is, we’re so sick of hearing about his father that we kind of wish the whole thing would just go away. We thought the big story at the Super Bowl would be Kurt Warner and his wife having the same hair stylist again, but no — apparently she’s grown her hair out and he’s too busy drawing God Jesus.

So when we dismissed Joe Torre’s book as a “tell-some” yesterday? OK. That might have been a little premature. That was before we found out about this little gem, thanks to a source with a copy:

Donahue would then rub hot liniment all over [Roger] Clemens’ body. … Then Donahue would rub the hottest possible liniment on his testicles. “He’d start snorting like a bull,” the trainer said. “That’s when he was ready to pitch.”

Oh my. My, oh my, oh my. Now this apparently happened before all his starts, but the specific incident in question was from Game 2 of the 2000 World Series, when Clemens hurled a broken bat at then-supposedly-gay Mike Piazza.

Who looks gay now, Mr. Other Men Rub Icy Hot On My Testicles?

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just sayin’s all. With all the rear-end injections and testicle rubdowns Clemens was getting, it’s no wonder he had to lash out at a target like Piazza. I mean, what better cover-up than an old-fashioned feud with the guy who had to hold a press conference to announce his heterosexuality? Well, that and and an affair with a 15-year-old maniac country singer.

We will confess now that we once accidentally got some liniment on our testicles in seventh grade when we pulled a hip muscle playing football. Since that time, we’ve had countless injuries and developed a couple of serious medical conditions, and none of the pain has come anywhere close to what we endured that night in the bathroom with the tube of Atomic Balm.

At the risk of getting too detailed, it felt like Lucifer was rubbing sandpaper dipped in pure acid all over our bits and pieces, punching us repeatedly in the gut with sledgehammer fists while blowtorching our loins with fire made from molten knives. Excruciating.

We don’t throw the term “Kafkaesque” around liberally, but if you want to better understand existentialism, buy yourself some Ben-Gay and find a private place.

And this is something Roger Clemens chose to do before games. Freely. If you didn’t think he was crazy for the affairs or the steroids or the perjury or even all that nonsense about getting kicked out of his kid’s Little League games, you sure should now. Dude is blisteringly nuts.

Pun intended.

Knicks knock off Hawks 112-104, and are in the playoff hunt after five straight home wins; David Stern seriously considering possibility of severe flaws in the playoff system.

Minaya may be interested in bringing Pedro Martinez back in 2009; Pitcher could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly somewhere in the Dominican Republic sitting under a mango tree when the news broke.

Devin Harris misses wide open 16-footer at the buzzer as Nets fall to Raptors; Point guard claims an “eerie, cold feeling” washed over him as he released the brick, team fears the ghost of Jason Kidd has not yet vacated the Izod Center.

Massachusetts police recover 27 stolen New York Giants Super Bowl rings; Authorities now searching for the owner of safety deposit box they were discovered in, which was registered under the name Bell Bilicheck.

Feds reportedly have urine sample that proves Barry Bonds used anabolic steroids; Inventory specialist for “Federal Government Old Pee Storage Room” officially named worst job in America.

In spite of current confidence in the team, Jerry Manuel says he would love to add Manny Ramirez to the middle of Mets’ lineup; Manager feels Ramirez could add necessary veteran leadership and serve as a real positive influence on the attention span of Jose Reyes.

Yanks optimistic for Posada and Rivera’s opening day return; Catcher has been rubbing urine on not only his hands, but on he and Mo’s recovering shoulders in hopes of toughening them up.

Rangers return from All Star break with 3-2 win over Hurricanes; Population at large shocked to learn the All Star break has already passed, shareholders for Versus channel remain confident that NHL contract was the right move.

Devils win over Sens makes backup Clemmensen a 20 game winner; ESPN’s Max Kellerman’s world turned upside down at news that maybe Martin Brodeur is not in fact, the most important person ever born anywhere… ever.

A-Rod reportedly unfazed by harsh comments in Torre’s book; “If Joe Torre wants to think I’m eerily obsessed with Jeter then let him,” Rodriguez said, “I mean who cares what he thinks, he’s old and not even that hot anymore.”

Wow, Joe Torre. Really? David Wells is difficult and Kevin Brown is mean? Randy Johnson, the homeliest human being in the history of human vision, is a sad sack? No! Say it ain’t so, Joe! A-Rod is self-absorbed? We refuse to believe it.

Obviously, the papers are having a field day with the “shocking” details of Torre’s tell-some book, and that’s their privilege. This is, after all, the darkest time in the sports year. The basketball and hockey seasons haven’t really picked up steam yet and there’s no baseball or football. It’s either spin something out of nothing with Manny Ramirez or spin something out of something minor with Torre’s book.

Honestly, think about it: What’s really shocking here? The details, or that Torre is revealing the details?

Is anyone surprised to learn that A-Rod’s teammates think he’s a fraud? Is there a sports fan in New York who didn’t know A-Rod was jealous of Derek Jeter’s celebrity? Did somebody actually think David Wells was an easygoing fella that everyone gets along with? Was someone, somewhere, living under the assumption that somebody not named Alyssa Milano enjoyed Carl Pavano’s company?

The only thing that should raise eyebrows about Torre’s book is that Torre himself was willing to put his name on something that ruffles — though doesn’t pluck — feathers. Of course, since it’s not an autobiography proper, Torre has a big shield to hide behind. And because he targeted such fan favorites as Pavano, Brown and A-Rod instead of dishing real dirt on Sacred Bombers like Jeter, Mariano Rivera and Bernie Williams, Torre’s legacy — despite what you may have heard on the radio this week — is just fine.

And we think that’s pretty lame. If you want to really shock us, tell us something we don’t know.

Knicks take down Rockets behind big game by Chandler; Momentum swings in fourth quarter when Wilson Chandler’s huge throw down snaps the tiny little headband off of Luis Scola’s head.

Pettitte will stick with Yanks, signing one-year, $5.5 million deal; Hurler likely regrets rebuffing initial $10.5 million offer, as current incentive-laden contract will not reach that level unless Pettitte can win 15 games, land a plastic ring around the neck of a beer bottle, and guess Joba Chamberlain’s weight and BAC.

Jets to retain Brian Schottenheimer as offensive coordinator; Rex Ryan glad to preserve team’s ability to call and miserably fail on shotgun plays in crucial 3rd and short situations.

Celts deny having ever made a verbal offer to Stephon Marbury; One Boston exec does admit however, that Steph tried to sweet talk him into an oral agreement in the back of a truck.

Former Yankee David Justice vehemently denies Kirk Radomski’s HGH allegations, but will not sue; Justice says he won’t help Radomski’s book sales by keeping his name in the news.  After all, he has already done enough for the guy by buying HG… wait… never mind.

Nets fall to Thunder in front of only 5,000 fans; Massive Oklahoma City ice storm keeps fans away, gives Nets false sense of comfort as they thought it was a New Jersey home game.

Alex Rodriguez is just like every girl we went to middle school with on Long Island back in the mid-90s. He’s obsessed with Derek Jeter, he loves Madonna, and he spends an hour in front of his mirror every morning making sure his makeup is absolutely perfect before he leaves the house.

We wouldn’t be surprised to find out that A-Rod is always begging everybody for a ride to the mall, where he’ll browse through the jewelry at Claire’s then hang out in the food court while complaining about how fat he’s getting.

The funniest part, though, about everything we’ve learned about A-Rod in the past few years is everything we’ve forgotten about A-Rod in the past few years. Specifically the part about how he’s one of the best baseball players of all time. Honestly, some day not too long from now the dude’s going to be the sport’s home-run king. And how are we going to remember him?

As a weird, mancrushing, stripper-loving, old-lady chasing egomaniac who alienated all his teammates. And we wouldn’t want it any other way.

Giants’ wide receiver suffers gunshot wounds in hand and leg; Biddle insists that neither sweatpants, nor a popular family-atmosphered chain restaurant were to blame.

Yankees’ goal of lowering 2009 payroll on target;  News comes amidst revelation that Giambi’s lucky thong was actually made of pure gold.

Mets sign versatile infielder to one-year contract; Minaya hoping Cora will be valuable backup for combined 7 games that Wright and Reyes might sit, as well as inevitable 96 games that stellar pick up Luis Castillo will miss.

Georgia authorities probing further into Pacman’s alleged involvement in 2007 shooting; Police looking into whether pretzels, strawberries, or larger than normal pellets may have played a role in assailant’s advantage.

Knicks run D’Antoni offense to perfection, drop Suns 114-109; Nash’s 19 assists not enough for win, although he did spend the entirety of the 4th quarter staring at coach Terry Porter saying “I told you a-hole.”

Rex Ryan hit with barrage of questions on Favre during introductory press conference, says he “would think anybody would want him as their quarterback”; Packers/playoff teams/Thomas Jones not so sure.

Hornets cut down Nets despite absence of 2 starters and primary backup; Tyson Chandler and David West forced to watch due to injuries, while Hilton Armstrong suffers severe case of “Who cares? We’re playing the Nets.”

Olympiacos reportedly interested in Marbury; Editors at New York Post itching to run “My Big Fat Greek Love Stain on the Seat of my Truck” headline.

Former Met Jeff Kent to announce retirement from baseball; Will however, continue unabashed mustachery.