As FOX Sports’ Ken Rosenthal reports, the Metropolitans have expressed interest in trading for Dodgers outfielder and multimillionaire Juan Pierre. The idea that anyone wants Juan Pierre at all is a funny enough concept on its own, which is why this column ends here.

Nah, there’s more.

Even better than the possibility of the Mets expressing interest in Pierre’s anemic offensive performance and somehow even less impressive defense is Rosenthal’s selling of the rumor as something exciting, opening his article with tantalizing view of what the future:

“Imagine Jose Reyes and Juan Pierre combining for 140 stolen bases at the top of the Mets’ batting order.”

Oh man, I can just imagine it now…Reyes doubling to lead off the game, Pierre grounding out, as he does more than half the time he comes to the plate, before David “A-Rod” Wright comes up without the pressure of having to hit with no outs. It’s true, that makes no sense, which is why it’s bewildering that anyone, much less a contending team such as the Mets, would even consider unleashing a plague like Juan Pierre upon their roster, especially considering that he is owed $28.5 million over the next three seasons with a limited no-trade clause.

We all love the idea of Lou Brown famously telling Willie Mays Hayes to “Keep the ball on the ground,” but the reality is that putting the ball on the ground and relying on speed isn’t a viable option in the major leagues. Over the course of his career, Pierre has hit more ground balls than line drives, fly balls and bunts combined, with a .235 career batting average on those 2,504 at-bats in which he put the ball on the ground. In the 1,027 at-bats where he actually got under the ball and hit it in the air, he was even worse, delivering a batting average of .125. As they say, “You can’t steal first base,” but if you could, I imagine Juan Pierre is the guy could find a way to mess it up.

Mets get sweet relief, land K-Rod; Johan Santana throws out his back in spastic fit of joyous merriment, ace likely out until at least the All Star Break.

Yanks reportedly close to finalizing deal with CC Sabathia worth $160 million over 7 years; Apparently, the pitcher’s hopes to remain in the National League and live on the west coast were severely outweighed by his desire to have a room in his home devoted solely to money swimming.

Knicks fall behind late, lose to Bulls 105-100; Comeback partially thwarted by Wilson Chandler’s ill-timed Dan Orlovsky impression, when the forward was standing out of bounds on a late 3-point attempt.

Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter defends friend Plaxico Burress, and athlete’s needs for guns; Points out that with the amount of people out there who have personally told him they’d love to strangle the life out of him (presumably because he is a pro athlete and for no other reason whatsoever), he wouldn’t even go to Church unarmed.