Mets reportedly close to 3-year, $37 million deal with closer Francisco Rodriguez; In a dark room somewhere, Billy Wagner is listening quietly to “Enter Sandman” on repeat while clutching a stuffed Mr. Met doll and weeping uncontrollably.

Islanders fall to former star Jason Blake and the Maple Leafs, 4-2; Game under protest by Isles on the grounds of grammatical impropriety of the word “Leafs.”

Former Yanks’ second baseman Joe Gordon posthumously elected to Hall of Fame by Veterans Committee; Chuck Knoblauch breathes a sigh of relief upon hearing that even after the writers who didn’t like him refuse to vote him in to the Hall, his colleagues can still vote him in long after he is dead and sweet senility has robbed them of the memory of not liking him.

Commissioner Goodell advises NFL players to avoid unsafe situations; Sends out comprehensive study pointing out that you are 57% more likely to lose your Chap Stick while wearing sweatpants, so in turn, carrying a loaded firearm while wearing them probably qualifies as a fairly unsafe situation.

Perennial All-Star Greg Maddux retires after 23 seasons; An undeniable first ballot Hall of Famer, the pitcher plans to sneak up and jovially relieve himself on his fellow inductees at the ceremony.