Giants O-lineman play prank on Eli Manning’s wife; Quarterback is the one who pays as she postpones “Eli’s first big boy date” for yet another year.

Rangers extend Coyotes’ skid; Hapless squad has now gone 6 games without a win, and 60 years without catching the Road Runner.

Knicks’ new faces Harrington, Mobley and Thomas to make debut against LeBron’s Cavs; The three will be formally announced as “2010 cap space” in the pregame lineups.

Eagles’ coach Andy Reid announces that Donovan McNabb will remain Philadelphia’s starter for this week’s game; Evidently Reid is trying to get Philly fans off there high horse from the World Series win and back into a collective blind rage ASAP.

The Jets establish themselves as legitimate contender with convincing win over the undefeated Titans; Brett Favre and the Jets have scored 34 points and converted 3+ man embraces in three consecutive games.

Manning leads Giants to big win without playmakers in Arizona;  Eli meets with Matt Leinart following game to give tips on how to take Kurt Warner’s job even while you still suck.

Red Bulls lose MLS Cup, blow chance at fame and fortune… or at least a mention on last 10 minutes on Sportscenter in the ESPN Deportes segment.

Yankees hesitant to offer Burnett 5-year deal he is looking for; For some unknown reason, GM Cashman is less than thrilled at the prospect of signing a former Marlins pitcher to long term deal.

Mets not worried that naming new stadium after a failing bank may be a bad idea; Hoping to become eligible for government bailout during next year’s impending collapse.

Control of Yankees officially shifts to son Hal; George Steinbrenner however, retains the right to trade Hal to Tyson chicken in exchange for concession products if he so chooses.

Aaron Heilman wants starting spot or trade; “The object is not to get out of New York,” Heilman’s agent said, “it is to get out of the bullpen and off of Johan Santana’s hit list.” 

Knicks looking to obtain Al Harrington from Golden State in exchange for Jamal Crawford; Crawford wary that the trade is just a front for an elaborate frame up that will find him trying to explain what the lifeless body of Stephon Marbury is doing in his suitcase.

Yanks give CC ultimatum: Tell us what we want to hear, or we will blow up Alderon.

Burress misses practice with ailing hamstring; Receiver says he aggravated injury using his cell phone, pointing out, “See?  This is why I don’t call when I’m not coming to practice.”

The following is not about sports at all.

Every now and then, something happens that is so important, so earthshaking, that it pulls our attention away from Brett Favre’s mandsome stubble for a while. And frankly, today, we can’t focus on anything else.

We’re referring, of course, to the escalating beef between rapper/actor 50 Cent and Taco Bell.

We like 50 Cent. We don’t think he’s the best MC in the world, and if push came to shove we’d definitely side with the GZA in that squabble, if just because only one of those men was in the Wu Tang Clan. Plus, we discredit 50′s best hits because they all came with Dr. Dre behind the glass, and we think a dying duck would sound pretty good with one of Dre’s beats behind him.

But we like 50 Cent anyway. He’s been shot a bunch of times and managed to come out on top, which we respect, plus he namedrops Xzibit and we want to do everything we can to boost the chances that our rides get pimped.

We just don’t like 50 Cent nearly as much as we like Taco Bell. Yeah, In Da Club’s a good song, but call us when you can feed an army for less than $20. Now Taco Bell, glorious agent of wonder, is coming out swinging against Fitty, saying that the rapper’s $4 million defamation suit against The Bell is another hollow threat.

In case you somehow missed it, 50 is suing Taco Bell for trademark infringement after a Taco Bell publicity cent went awry.

Nothing says “gangsta” like a trademark infringement lawsuit. You’d think Fitty would try to settle things the old-fashioned way, either via lyrics or by shooting up a local Taco Bell. But no. He’s big-timing the Bell.

So here’s hoping Taco Bell founder Glen Bell, who might not be alive but we’re not sure, counters with a rap battle. Or that the GZA takes up Taco Bell’s cause and rhymes about tacos more.

And to anyone who’d like to champion Taco Bell in this beef, we’ll help you get started: “Supreme” rhymes with “with sour cream” and in the Taco Bell lexicon, they’re synonymous.

20 game winner Mike Mussina set to officially retire later this week; Moose looking forward to spending more time with his family, less time being propositioned to wear a gold thong.

Rangers smacked by Canucks 6-3; Supposed Vezina Trophy favorite Henrik Lundqvist shows his distaste for labels by giving up 5 goals in a period and a half.

Pacman Jones given yet another chance, reinstated into NFL; The Cowboys however, will no longer be providing the troubled cornerback with bodyguards, leaving Jones to “police himself.”  May God have mercy on us all….

Already without player of the year Hansbrough, #1 UNC loses freshman center Tyler Zeller for the year; Attention large white males named Tyler in the Carolina area:  Be aware of your surroundings at all times, leave the house only when necessary, and do not, under any circumstances, attempt to fulfill unfathomable amount of hype that has been put on you this year.

LeBron drops 31 in win over Nets; Jay Z, Nets minority owner and personal friend of James, says he is very much enjoying his position as it earns him free tickets that he can use when someone decent to watch is in town.

Without Garnett, Celtics balanced attack beats Knicks 110-101; Backup Brian Scalabrine ices win with 3-pointer, proving that even with this disturbing ailment you can still accomplish anything you set your mind to.

A precautionary MRI of Brandon Jacobs’ knee shows no structural damage;  Does, however reveal he is made entirely of mysterious, futuristic metal alloy.

Return stint in New York unlikely for Pedro Martinez; Despite having his on-field accomplishments limited by injury, the Mets will miss his warm heart and irreverent sense of humor in the locker room.  They will not, however, miss the slippery area surrounding him in the dugout caused by excess Soul Glo.

Rangers and Islanders celebrate shootout wins; Donovan McNabb disgusted that he and his team were never even given this fair and just chance.

Yanks to open stadium with exhibition series against Cubs; Piniella looking forward throwing ceremonial first base in argument with umpire.

SEC charges Mavericks owner Mark Cuban with insider trading on his investment with mamma.com; Cuban alleges he decided to get out not on the basis that the company was losing money, but upon the revelation that the site was a search engine and not a fansite for Martin Lawrence’s underrated and hilarious undercover cop/big fat lady movies.

Albert Pujols wins second NL MVP award despite playing most of the season with a torn elbow ligament; Sports fans at large dreading Chris Berman’s eventual testament to the toughness of Albert “winnie the pooh” Holes.

Mindy McCready opens up to Inside Edition, saying during the course of their relationship Roger Clemens “treated her like a princess”; Andy Pettitte opens up to ESPN, saying that is the exact same tactic Roger used to gain his trust.

So the Giants are good. No, not good. Great. Spectacular. The Giants are George Foreman at his best. Step, step, punch. Step, step, punch. Get punished or bail out, you’ve no other option (unless you’re the Browns, apparently).

And the Jets are good, too. We’ve been through this, and we’re still not totally believers, but, you know, first place.

The Knicks? Kinda good. Surprisingly good. It actually seems like not just one, but two people involved with the day-to-day operations of the Knicks — Mike D’Antoni and Donnie Walsh — might know what they’re doing. That’s weird, and we’re not quite sure how to handle it.

We root for all these teams because we’re dutiful New York sports fans. But as comedy writers, it’s killing us. Bad teams are much funnier than good teams. Where are we to turn for our comic relief? The Nets? Please. Hockey? Who cares?

Even the Red Bulls are good. We hate soccer because nothing ever happens, but it’d at least be nice to fall back on some Juan Pablo Angel jokes if need be. But no.

So we’re left with the Mets’ bullpen, a fraying punching bag we’ve already beaten the stuffing out, and the Yankees’ payroll, bloated like CC Sabathia but perhaps eventually as effective.

Oh, conflict. Part of us loves this. Part of us hates this. All of us just hopes the Starbury thing keeps dragging on and on and on, because at least that lunatic’s good for a punchline a day.

Giants smash Ravens 30-10 in convincing win; Baltimore defense, Ray Lewis’ mouth, and Joe Flacco’s unibrow decimated in the wake of Big Blue’s 207 yard rushing attack.

Despite solid shooting performance, Knicks fall to Mavs in OT; “We had sunk so low during that 5-game losing streak,” Dallas forward Josh Howard pointed out, “I’m just glad to feel high again.”

Yankees sell rights to pitcher Darrell Rasner for $1million;  Cashman hoping to sneak a chloroformed Kei Igawa back over to Japan in cargo hold of Rasner’s flight.

Brewers GM Doug Melvin says Yanks overbid for free agent Sabathia; Melvin still fairly confident the lure of the bright lights and worldwide recognition the city of Milawaukee can bring him will be all Sabathia will need to ignore New York.

Eagles and Bengals play to a tie game, McNabb and others admit unawareness of the possibility of a tie in NFL; Eagles’ quarterback also appalled at the revelations that hockey, soccer, and tic-tac-toe also carry the same risk.