Anonymous source claims it was in fact Isiah Thomas that overdosed in his home, and was not his daughter as the former Knicks coach had claimed; Media outlets are hesitant to take the information as pure fact however, as the source is rumored to actually be comedian Frank Caliendo, doing Charles Barkley making inappropriately premature suicide jokes.

World Series postponed until at least Wednesday, once again weather permitting;  Evidently the actual city of Philadelphia has become self-aware and even IT knows it’s probably better that Philly does not win a championship.

Eddie Curry “stunned” to not be part of the Knicks opening night rotation; Rotund center reportedly unaware of coach D’Antoni’s sincerity when he said he would ride the bench until he replaced every piece of gym equipment he has damaged.

Cowboys tight end Jason Witten may play through the pain of a broken rib in order to compete against the Giants on Sunday; Romo still out with broken littleist piggy, crying weee weee weee alllll the way home.

NBA opens season, predictable standby commentator joke tally begins: Ray Allen/Jesus Shuttlesworth references- 7,  LeBron James eventually playing in New York- 5, Greg Oden is old, like SUPER OLD- 34.