The newfound tradition of playoff baseball in Boston brings with it one of the most disturbing sports pastimes to develop since baseball mustaches first went out of favor in the early 90s. The playing, and singing along to, Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline at professional sporting events is a menace and must be stopped.

Listen: You might not hate the song. Maybe you think it’s a perfectly pleasant tune to relax to on a summer evening, or even for some jackass to sing along with on karaoke night at the frat house. But sports are supposed to be for battling. We know that baseball players and all athletes are paid professionals, but we don’t want to think of them that way. We want warriors, and we don’t think playing Neil Diamond in stadiums is a good way to foster that mentality.

Can you imagine what this trend will do to our sacred games if it continues? It’s a walkoff grand slam — cue the Dan Fogelberg! A buzzer-beating three? Sounds like it’s time for Barry Manilow. Game-changing interception? Cat Stevens, baby!

What are you doing, Boston? Look yourselves in the mirror and ask if you want to be the city responsible for this boil festering away at society’s backside. Neil Diamond’s music should not be played at sporting events, or probably anywhere else.

The Mets’ playoff run may have ended on a down note, but Minor League relief pitcher Ambiorix Burgos wasted no time murdering people this offseason. Coming off a solid 2008 campaign in which he pitched a total of ten innings, striking out two and walking three over three levels of class-A ball, the 24-year old follows a recent precedent set by fellow violent crime buffs Juan “Shooter” Uribe and Ugueth “Gascan” Urbina of using the offseason as a time for relaxing, quiet self-reflection and letting out one’s personal demons through psychopathic terror.

Burgos, who along with Ambiorix Concepcion gives the Mets’ organization as many Ambiorii as the Indians have Asdrubals and Faustos combined, is charged with killing two women by running over them with his SUV, and has taken a bold stance on the issue, proclaiming:

“I am going to come out of this fine because my conscience is clear, and I’m not worried this will affect my career because I haven’t done anything.”

Whether or not the situation affects Burgos’ career remains to be seen, as it has not been confirmed or denied that the prison where he is being held employs a pitching coach who might be able to impart some lessons on how to help Burgos control his pitches. Burgos’ father, Pablo, shares his son’s bizarre views on whether the two women found dead under Burgos the younger’s SUV were killed by the car or by something else, chalking the whole incident up to jealously over his son’s fame because he is the only Major Leaguer from their hometown of Nagua. This argument makes perfect sense, as there has been nary a murder, rape or arson that has taken place in Havre de Grace, MD over the past several decades that hasn’t included Cal or Billy Ripken among the suspects.

Giants brought back down to earth, handed first loss in Cleveland; Hopes of riding undefeated season to Super Bowl loss suddenly dashed.

Rangers topple Devils at the Garden; Take first step in winning bet that they’d reach 20 home wins before the Knicks reach 2.

A heroic pinch hit home run by Matt Stairs in the 8th inning put the Phillies ahead to stay, and lifted them to a 3 games to 1 lead over the Dodgers.  I know what you’re thinking.  Matt Stairs?  Really?  Doesn’t get more unlikely than that.  But you’ll never guess who sac bunted in the at bat before him…

Upton, Longoria go deep again as Rays blast Red Sox 9-1; Tampa Bay approaching record for most times “young stud” said by commentators during the playoffs (record currently held by 1988 Dodgers, whose roster, for attendance purposes, included Scott Baio and Johnny Depp).

Madden’s fear of flying coupled with major airlines declining to serve turducken as in-flight meal will cause broadcaster to miss his first game after announcing 476 straight.  For shame John… Brett Favre shudders at your wussiness.