Police report from Isiah Thomas incident released with name redacted; Gives distinct impression that he was in fact the victim though, as the statement makes note of “(Blank) offering an overweight paramedic a 4 year, $82 million contract.”

Rangers win again to set mark for second most wins in one month in team history; Tie record for fewest people noticing.

Philadelphians handling victory with all of the refinement and tact of the good citizens of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Reigning AP College Basketball Player of the Year Tyler Hansbrough is out of practice indefinitely, suffering from a stress reaction condition in his leg.  The condition, which can be a precursor to a stress fracture if improperly treated, is most often caused by unbridled intensity and/or deck jumping.

Game 5 finally resumes Wednesday as Phillies clinch first World Series title since 1980; After yet another masterful save, Philly closer Brad Lidge had this to say before breaking down in tears of joy… “F*ck you Albert Pujols!!! I can finally sleee-heeee-eeep!”

Knicks hold off Heat for first win of D’Antoni era;  Marbury and Curry spend the entirety of game in the “pending a trade to the first sucker who shows any interest” section.

New look Nets win opener in Washington despite six Wizards in double figures, including Gandalf and Merlin combining for 52 and casting a spell making Yi Jianlian 3’7″.

Burress says he is not a distraction to Giants; “Like I said, I am human,” the receiver admitted, “I’ve made some mistakes, I admit that.  And I have admitted that I don’t give a f*ck and I would definitely repeat them if the mood strikes me.  So… I guess I just don’t know what else it is you people want to hear.”

Anonymous source claims it was in fact Isiah Thomas that overdosed in his home, and was not his daughter as the former Knicks coach had claimed; Media outlets are hesitant to take the information as pure fact however, as the source is rumored to actually be comedian Frank Caliendo, doing Charles Barkley making inappropriately premature suicide jokes.

World Series postponed until at least Wednesday, once again weather permitting;  Evidently the actual city of Philadelphia has become self-aware and even IT knows it’s probably better that Philly does not win a championship.

Eddie Curry “stunned” to not be part of the Knicks opening night rotation; Rotund center reportedly unaware of coach D’Antoni’s sincerity when he said he would ride the bench until he replaced every piece of gym equipment he has damaged.

Cowboys tight end Jason Witten may play through the pain of a broken rib in order to compete against the Giants on Sunday; Romo still out with broken littleist piggy, crying weee weee weee alllll the way home.

NBA opens season, predictable standby commentator joke tally begins: Ray Allen/Jesus Shuttlesworth references- 7,  LeBron James eventually playing in New York- 5, Greg Oden is old, like SUPER OLD- 34.

ESPN reported on Sunday that the Yankees will not pursue a trade for Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder, who is apparently being dangled as trade bait this offseason, due to “the eventual need to keep first base open for Derek Jeter.”

First base has been a trouble spot for the Bombers in recent years, with 25 different players having manned the position over the past four seasons, including 12 in 2008 alone. That’s right, an entire roster’s worth of players have been used at a single position, including such luminaries as Chad Moeller, Jose Molina, Miguel Cairo, Charles Barkley, Nick Green, Cody Ransom, Josh Phelps, a cardboard cutout of Gabrielle Reece, Doug Mientkiewicz, Scrappy Doo, John Flaherty, Alyson Hannigan, Al Roker and any number of 35-year-old outfielders who no longer retained the use of their legs. Could it be that the solution to their right-corner infield woes lie in their 34-year-old shortstop?

The short answer to this query is no, and the long answer is also no, but preceded by 5-7 seconds of condescending laughter. With the major league average slugging percentage for first basemen set at .464 in 2008, Captain Jeter was a bit behind the curve at .408 last season. 2008 marked the fifth consecutive season in which Jeter’s home run total dropped, fourth in a row for his walk total and third straight season of decline in batting average, OBP and slugging. Of course, there’s always the chance that Mr. November rebounds and starts putting up excellent numbers well into his late 30′s, and we all remember how much everyone appreciated when Barry Bonds did that.

Phillies possible clinching game over Rays suspended by rain;  The Almighty shows mercy to the innocents of the town by buying them time to evacuate before victorious Phillie fans drown the city in beer, flames and blood.

Steelers says Manning tipped them off to goal line play in the 2nd quarter; Defensive end Brett Keisel said he knew the Giants were running their “32″ play behind the right guard when Eli help up three fingers on one hand and two on the other, and yelled out “Thiiiis many!!!”

Knicks waive Ewing Jr. to finalize regular season roster;  While they liked his play overall, he lacked the offensive polish and the necessary amount of skull tattoos to fit in with the team’s scheme for ’08-’09.

49ers reportedly interested in Condoleezza Rice for vital position;  Interim head coach Mike Singletary feels she will be a much more team-oriented tight end than Vernon Davis.

Umpires admit second missed call in World Series; Confess that had they taken the time to smell Evan Longoria’s glove and/or check it for skid marks they would have seen that he had clearly tagged Jimmy Rollins out.

Giants get huge win on the road in Pittsburgh thanks in large part to a botched snap and a safety by the Steelers;  Brett Favre appalled at the thought of any red-blooded American being forced to survive without a Snapper.

Jets instill confidence in fans by mounting last-minute, gunslinging, game winning drive against one of the worst teams in the league who were starting their third string QB (thanks to injury) and without their starting running back (due to the misinterpretation of his club scene shenanigans)… Great googily moogily.

Phillies slugger Ryan Howard, desperately seeking exoneration from fans for his involvement in the “Ode to the Subway Big Philly Cheesesteak,” launches 2 home runs and drives in 5 runs to lead Phils to 3-1 series lead.

Police dismayed by Isiah Thomas’ involvement of his daughter in alleged cover-up; “My cops can tell the difference between a 47 year-old man and a young female,” the Harrison police chief pointed out, “Besides, I doubt Mr. Thomas’ daughter would thank the female paramedic who treated her by grabbing her ass and asking if she wanted to see his Knickerbocker.”

Former Jet Pennington continues resurgence as he leads Dolphins to 25-16 win over division leading Buffalo;  Pennington racks up 314 passing yards and remarkable consistency, completing 198 of his 220 pass attempts.

Rays double up Phils 4-2 to take game 2 of the World Series; Brett Myers smacked around, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver fail to point out the irony.

Status of Laveranues Coles and Eric Smith unclear for Jets-Chiefs as they deal with concussions; Smith sufferred his second in 3 weeks after he charged headlong into a stranger on the street who bore a striking resemblance to this man.

Burress briefly hospitalized with neck injury; Team denies reports that he sufferred the injury during a heated Oreo licking contest with Eli Manning.

New England Patriots quaterback Tom Brady’s knee is a complete mess; His dreamy eyes however, are still very much intact.

Phillies take first game of the World Series 3-2 over the Rays; Riveting game one features winning team going 0-for-13 with runners in scoring position, and countrywide entitlement to free taco.

Favre downplays allegations of supplying Lions with inside information;  Calls the implication that he has at any time in his career known the contents of a playbook “awful ridiculous.”

Devils stomp Stars 5-0, Brodeur earns 98th career shutout;  Goalie celebrates by sprinting to the visitors’ locker room immediately following 3rd period, and taking a dump in Sean Avery’s equipment bag.

Chiefs RB Larry Johnson apologizes for his latest controversial off the field antics: “I’m kind of disgusted with myself,” Johnson said, “I mean, a fourth accusation of assaulting women is deplorable.  And imagine how ashamed I’d be if it had actually been reported all the other times I’ve done it.”

So according to a report from Brendan Kuty on SNY.tv, Brett Favre today admitted to chatting with former Lions GM Matt Millen about the Packers’ gameplan against the Lions, which the Lions then used to stomp the Packers. Of course, newsmakers ESPN refused to report the story, which had developed over the last week, for fear that they might do something to tick off His Favreness.

Eric Mangini rightfully dismissed talk that Favre’s info could have aided the Lions, saying that knowledge changes hands all the time in the NFL with little or no benefit.

He’s right, you know. Plus, exactly what gameplan information does Brett Favre know? Does Brett Favre really know any scripted plays? As far as we’re concerned, his half of the conversation probably went something like this:

“Hey Matt, hunting’s great, but guess what? I know the Packers’ gameplan against your Lions, at least based on what we did last year. It’s this:

“FAVRE! FAVRE! FAVRE! FAVRE! FAVRE!”

Of course, complex as that strategy is, it would have been difficult for a mind like Matt Millen’s to recite it for his team. We imagine Millen, who might be the worst GM in the history of sports, probably recapped his conversation sort of like this:

“Gobble gobble muck! Mustache, sausage, FAVRE!”

And so the Lions beat the Packers.