The Mets earned a series split with the Nationals last night, taking the final game 7-2 behind an 8 strikeout performance from their ace Johan Santana. Jose Reyes also added two hits in the win, “neither of which was an extramarital hit with a pin-up model” he asserted unprompted in a postgame interview.

Bobby Abreu’s two home runs led the Yankees to a 9-2 victory over the White Sox, and gave starter Mike Mussina win number 18 for the year. The Yanks have been a bit of a thorn in the side of the White Sox playoff race, playing the role of spoilers for the first time in over a decade. “It’s something new for us,” Abreu said, “but we’re really embracing it, and very much looking forward to spoiling any chance Moose has to finally get 20 wins.”

A-Rod and his former wife Cynthia have allegedly reached an amicable settlement in their divorce proceedings; Cynthia’s lawyer apologizes publicly for making half of the settlement conditional on a Yankees playoff appearance.

The Liberty looked good in their playoff opener, handling the Connecticut Sun 72-63 at the Garden. High scorer Shameka Christon credited the victory to the team’s high confidence level after a week of beating up on the Knicks in exhibition practice games.

The Mets were able to finally stop the bleeding last night, slipping past the pesky Nationals 9-7 to maintain their standing in the NL East.  So for those of you who were sweating an impending collapse, take a collective sigh of relief… all it takes for the Mets to nullify their horrendous bullpen is 4+ home runs each night.  Hello post season!

The Yankee offense awoke late last night, with homers by A-Rod and Johnny Damon powering them to a 5-1 win over the White Sox.  Phil Hughes also made his first appearance since going down with a rib injury earlier this year, throwing four solid innings and showing promise… and maintaining his win total for the year at a stellar zero.

Last night a lucky fan caught a home run ball at Yankee Stadium for the second night in a row, catching a Johnny Damon blast after having caught a Jason Giambi dinger on Tuesday.  His noticeable celebration dance and National Scrabble Tournament t-shirt were immediately recognized and ensured his spot in 15 minute Yankee fame… they also ensured he would remain a virgin for at least 5 more years.

Referee Hochuli apologizes for blowing crucial call in Broncos-Chargers game; has been spotted each day since at local gym, curling 900lbs while weeping uncontrollably.

The Mets took another big September loss last night, falling 1-0 to the Nationals and wasting a gem of a start by Mike Pelfrey.  The loss also put them into second place in the division, dropping them a 1/2 game behind the Phillies.  The Amazins are not worried however, as they are letting the Phillies get ahead a bit and expecting them to have a Mets-esque collapse to close out the year.

Derek Jeter passed Lou Gehrig for all time hits at the stadium last night, but Andy Pettitte struggled for his fifth straight start and the Bombers fell to White Sox 6-2.  Andy is slated to make his next start in the final game at Yankee Stadium this Sunday, ensuring that the final game will be just as much of an embarrassment as the entire last season has been.

Jets waive punter Ben Graham; Elect to have Favre run around in a panic and heave the ball blindly on 4th down instead (Hey, it worked for 6 against the Dolphins).

The Mets lost outfielder Fernando Tatis for the year on an attempted diving catch last night.  Tatis separated his shoulder when his ears failed to deploy in time to lessen the moment of impact.

The Yankees struck a damaging blow the the playoff contending White Sox last night, beating them 4-2.  The win also marked yet another solid start for Alfredo Aceves, the former Mexican League pitcher who rocketed his way through the farm system and into the majors in his first year.  Hank Steinbrenner has taken much of the credit, as he refused to include Aceves in any possible deals for Johan Santana.

The Mets lost their third in four games last night, a 7-2 loss to the Nationals that trimmed their division lead to only a 1/2 game.  The game was put out of reach in the seventh, after Elijah Dukes smacked a 3-run homer to give the Nats a 7-1 lead.  Shortly after the home run, the baseball filed a restraining order against Dukes.

Yankee catcher Jorge Posada thinks Joba Chamberlain should remain in the bullpen;  “A little shoulder trouble can tell you a lot,” the catcher said, “Just look at me… In fact, I think I should probably just be the bullpen catcher from now on.  No one is stealing any bases out there.”

The Cowboys came out on top of the Eagles 41-37 in an offensive firefight on Monday Night Football last night.  Following the game, Philly coach Andy Reid confirmed suspiscions that he may in fact be former pro wrestler Vader when he powerbombed Cowboy coach Wade Phillips at midfield.

The Giants rolled over the once again laughable looking Rams 41-13 yesterday, with Eli Manning throwing 3 TD passes in the victory.  Now, for the second week in a row, league officials are considering revising the rules to count a victory over the Rams as only 1/2 a win unless they are beaten by more than 30.

The Jets dropped their eighth game in a row to the Patriots at the Meadowlands yesterday, falling 19-10.  The game marked the first win in a start for Pats’ backup Matt Cassel, who after the game immediately signed 5 endorsement deals and began dating Alessandra Ambrosio.

The Yankees beat up on the Rays 8-4, riding a first inning grand slam by A-Rod to a victory on Sunday.  Despite his pleas and several strongly worded letters however, the league office is denying Hank Steinbrenner’s assertions that the Yanks successes over the Rays this year should rightfully earn them a playoff spot.

In spite of two home runs by David Wright, the Mets fell to the Braves 7-4 on Sunday thanks to yet another bullpen implosion.  Much to the delight of lazy writers, the Mets have continued to limit their joke possibilities to either Delgado’s resurgence or bullpen collapse each and every game.

Carlos Zambrano became the first Cubs’ pitcher to throw a no hitter in 36 years yesterday, shutting the Astros down for a 5-0 win.  Zambrano also became the first pitcher whose last name starts with the letter Z to a throw a no-no, as well as the first pitcher without a neck to accomplish such a feat.

Rutgers football took a whooping on ESPN last night, losing 44-12 to the Tar Heels of North Carolina, and putting them at 0-2 to start the year.  This certainly wasn’t the first nationally televised New Jersey beatdown, but it is considered one of the worst since Phil Leotardo put the smack down on Benny Fazio.

Plan set in motion to overhaul Robinson Cano’s swing this offseason; no definitive word on whether that plan still includes him hitting under .250 for half the year before really hitting his stride.

With 17 regular season games left in the regular season, the Mets are unconcerned with last year‘s 17 game collapse.  “We were up by 7 in the division then,” third baseman David Wright pointed out, “right now we’re only up 3.  So our fans can rest easy knowing that if the bottom falls out again at least this time our absence from the postseason won’t be such a devastating near miss.”

New York fans are buzzing in anticipation for the next chapter in the now tense Jets-Pats rivalry this Sunday.  I, for one, am really just looking forward to the sheer discomfort of the post-game handshake and wondering if this will be the time that Belichick finally gives Mangini the wedgie he’s so clearly been holding back.

Thanks to a 13-10 win and the completion of a sweep of the Nationals last night, the Mets now enjoy a 3.5 game lead in the NL East.  Carlos Delgado once again came up big with a sac fly in the seventh, wait… a sac fly?  It didn’t go over the fence?….. Let this old bastard go.

The Yankees lost yet another big game last night, falling to the Angels 4-2 and clinching the AL West for the Halos.  Lucky for the Yanks, their upcoming 3 game home stand gives them the opportunity to get back within 8 games of the division leading Rays and at least make things… respectable.

Following marijuana incident at rookie symposium, rookies Chalmers and Arthur fined $20k (10,000 bags of Funyons) each.

Report reveals Tom Brady tore ACL and MCL; Eyes still dreamy.

Report reveals Alex Smith has broken shoulder, done for year; Still has small carnie hands, smells like cabbage.

Mets surging slugger Carlos Delgado tells Mets “Lean on Me”, as they come out on top in a 10-8 slugfest with the Nationals.  This could be a reference to his putting the team on his back the past few months; but I think he was probably just extending an invitation to a Delgado house screening of the 1989 classic tale of inner-city struggle… that Morgan Freeman is a chameleon.

The Yankees rode first time starter Alfredo Aceves for seven innings on the way to a 7-1 win over the Angels last night.  The victory, coupled with a Baltimore loss, helped the Yanks push their lead over the O’s to a whopping 12 games and has all but assured them fourth place in the division.

Giants defensive end Mathias Kiwanuka is accusing Redskins tackle Chris Samuels of dirty play; Kiwanuka did not, however, have any qualms with the light stepping, fancy footwork, and impressive twirls of Washingon DE Jason Taylor.

In light of an injury to kicker Mike Nugent, the Jets signed veteran Jay Feely as a safety net.  Depending on the severity of Nugent’s injuries though, we can assume the Jets would most assuredly have more class than the Chiefs and wait at least 36 hours before cutting Feely.

The Yankees took a pounding at the hands of the AL West leaders, in a 12-1 loss that included a bench clearing fight in the sixth.  In a personification of the Yanks toughness this season, pitching coach Dave Eiland passed out in the dugout following the fracas.  Yeah… we’re fainting after fights with the Angels now… great.

The Mets were the recipients of a worst case scenario diagnosis for closer Billy Wagner yesterday, now coming to terms with losing him for the remainder of this AND the next full season.  They are also coming to terms with replacing their manager, as their bullpen by committee will likely drive Jerry Manuel to a massive coronary.

Hank Steinbrenner announced formally that despite a lackluster first year, manager Joe Girardi will be returning next year for the Yankees.  However, pointing out on several occasions that many of this year’s letdowns can be traced to injuries, Steinbrenner pointed out that Girardi may have to play in ’09 as well.

Roger Federer won the U.S. Open Men’s Finals yesterday, quieting critics who argued that his game was slipping, or that the creepy Gillette commercial he did with Tiger and Henry had put some kind of Madden-esque curse on him.

Aaron Rodgers wins first start for post-Favre Packers; John Madden’s head, universe fail to implode.