We love the third person. We believe all athletes should be required, by law, to refer to themselves only in the third person. Not only would this provide for lots and lots of hilarity, but it would really help clarify a lot of their statements.

We bring this up, of course, because Plaxico Burress referred to himself in the third person about 30 times in 30 seconds this weekend, making him our new favorite athlete in New York. Jose Reyes and Pedro Martinez have also referred to themselves as “Jose Reyes” and “Pedro Martinez,” so points for them. David Wright? Almost certainly not.

Duke Casanova feels its time for David Wright to start behaving less like an all-around good guy and more like a professional athlete in the nastiest sense of the term. C’mon, dude, we know it’s there somewhere. Just let the beast out, D-Wright. It might not help your ad revenue, but it’ll jack up your street cred.

We’re done whining about the Brett Favre thing for now, so we’ll focus our attention today on the one guy who’s saga has lasted longer and irritated more viciously than Favre’s, Roger Clemens.

Today, the Rocket’s lawyer, whose name is Rusty Hardin, filed a 97-page report to kick off Clemens’ defamation case against Brian McNamee. If you’re scoring at home, McNamee hooked up Clemens and just about everyone else in baseball with steroids, but Clemens still denies everything. Also, Clemens likes young girls, and his lawyer is named Rusty Hardin.

Here’s an excerpt from the thrill ride that is Rusty Hardin’s case against McNamee:

No legal system would allow government agencies to somehow ‘deputize’ a private individual or entity such that any statements a person makes to the private entity would be covered by a priviledge.

Hard-hitting stuff. The most amazing part of the whole thing is that the Clemens’ legal drama got buried after 11 pages of Favre coverage in the Daily News, the same paper that covered Clemens’ every move a few months ago.

Maybe the big problem with the 24-hour news cycle and all the related fallout is that news gets pushed out of mind so quickly. If we all forget about Clemens’ legal proceedings, will we all forget that he’s an outrageous and intolerable jackass? We hope not, because we want to continue to relentlessly bash him here and on the show.

The Jets officially introduced Brett Favre at a press conference in Cleveland yesterday, marking a joyous day for Jets fans everywhere.  Evidently not so joyous for Favre though, whose palpable discomfort and lack of enthusiasm is reminiscent of being forced to take a picture with the turd-ugly Christmas sweater you just got from your Nana.

The opening ceremonies for the 2008 Beijing Olympics kicked off with a massive display including a stunning myriad of fireworks, flashing lights, and lasers.  Everyone in attendance is said to be in stable condition and recovering nicely from their seizures.

The Mets bullpen managed to blow yet another Johan Santana win, giving up his 3-1 lead in the eigth inning before being bailed out by a walk-off home run by David Wright in the ninth.  Frankly, I’m considering reporting these guys to OTL or something.  This hazing has gotten out of hand.  We get the point, “screw the new guy.”  But blowing every last shot he has at a win?  That’s just cruel.  Spank him with a giant paddle or waterboard him or something, but not this…. not this.

Mike Mussina notched his league leading 15th win of the season on Thursday, blanking the Rangers and leading the Yankees to a 3-0 victory.  With Ian Kennedy (whose style has been compared to a young Mike Mussina) set to make his return today in place of the injured Joba Chamberlain, I’ll offer a suggestion to quell Yankee worries stemming from Kennedy’s dismal early season starts;  Just throw his jersey on Moose and see how many innings you can get out of him before someone notices.

Wow. After all that talk, we really didn’t see this coming. Now we’re conflicted. As Jets fans but Favre haters, what are we to do?

Favre’s an upgrade over whoever the Jets were going to trot out at starting quarterback. Is he a solid plan for the future? Not at 39 with an undisclosed number of concussions weighing on his brain. Would we rather they tank the season with Kellen Clemens learning on the job? Probably. But that’s not happening. The Jets have Fav-ruh.

Here at The Nooner, we’re actually pretty excited about it. For better or worse, Favre always takes the headlines. Headlines like: “Favre Wins, Weeps” or “Favre Loses, Weeps” or “Favre Throws Six Interceptions, Weeps” or “Favre Shaves Stubble, Grows It Back Instantly, Weeps.”

Frankly, we’re just psyched to see how the whole down-home-country-boy-who-wears-Wranglers-and-drives-a-pickup-truck thing plays in New York. Where’s Favre going to play his funtime pickup game with all those other guys in Wranglers? Central Park? Too crowded. Prospect Park? Too hilly. Washington Square Park? Too many drug dealers, and none of them selling pills (though Favre might play there just to get Mario Manningham with his first pick). We fully expect to see Favre scrambling around one of those dank alleys over by the Midtown Tunnel, using telephone poles as yard markers and throwing touchdowns to the guy using the abandoned Hyundai to set a pick on the defender.

We’re still trying to rationalize the whole thing. At least Favre can throw the ball farther than Pennington and more accurately than Clemens, plus he might be a good mentor to the young quarterback, who only has the throwing-interceptions part of Favre’s game studied.

The Brett Favre saga has finally resolved itself, for the time being, as he was traded to the New York Jets for a conditional pick in 2009.  Favre’s acquisition likely means pushing Kellen Clemens to backup, and the end of the Chad Pennington era for Gang Green.  Some have suggested Pennington will be traded, but my personal preference be that we allow Favre, an avid hunter, to get his fix by sending Chad out in the swamplands of East Rutherford and playing a bit of The Most Dangerous Game (literary reference: +1 Bonus pt.).

The Mets fell 4-2 to the lowly Padres on Wednesday night, dropping to a full 3 games behind the division leading Phillies.  Mets Manager Jerry Manuel, dejected by his team’s lack of clutch hitting explained, “I’m concerned about our offense… I thought we would get rolling again,” adding, ”It keeps you up at night.  I mean you never know when that 3am ‘You’re fired’ phone call could be coming.” 

The unexpectedly reliable Sidney Ponson led the Yankees in a must win game over the Texas Rangers, allowing the Bombers to keep pace in the AL East and Wild Card races.  It was a bit of sweet redemption for Ponson, who was actually let go by the Rangers earlier this year.  His next revenge target?  The Applebee’s that had him forcibly removed at 2am for taking advantage of the supposedly all-you-can-eat riblets promotion (cheap fat joke: -1 Bonus pt.).

Injury news for the Yankees has continued to pile up, as it was announced Wednesday that Joba Chamberlain would be forced to the DL by his recent shoulder injury.  Co-owner Hank Steinbrenner, infuriated by the loss of his young superstar pitcher, is now looking for answers; “Who the hell thought this kid was ready to be a starter?!” Hank questioned, ”I mean, you’d have to be an idiot!”

So Brett Favre turned down the Packers’ offer of $20 million to stay the hell out of training camp. Then he refused to talk to the Jets, one of the teams in hottest pursuit of The Most Overrated Quarterback of All-Time. Then he leaks word that he wants to play for the Vikings, which has got to be the No. 1 way to ensure that the Packers will do everything in their power to make sure you’re happy and not in Minnesota.

Now, after all the nonsense, Favre is talking to the Jets. We’re onto you, Fav-ruh. This is probably just another dupe move to make the Bucs more likely to trade for you or something, so you can go throw interceptions like Chris Simms would if given the chance.

The funniest and yet most irritating part, of course, is that every time Favre farts, ESPN covers it as breaking news. There’s nothing about Favre’s stupid non-comeback that’s breaking or even news at this point. The guy wants to play overrated football, the Packers want to start their younger quarterback, but the media wants Favre Favre Favre so he can cry in interviews and make headlines and fill up their front pages with his stupid down-home stubbleface.

Just stop, Brett Favre. Stop. We don’t care where you go or even if you play anymore. Just shut up and stop making noise. Some team will want you, and you’ll end up playing somewhere, probably nowhere near as well as you played last year. It’s on you and the Packers brass to make this end soon, or else we’ll figure out a way to intercept your comeback attempt. We don’t know how yet, but based on your history, it shouldn’t be that hard to pick off.

The Mets got a big win Tuesday, beating the Padres 6-5 behind two Fernando Tatis home runs.  The victory allowed the Mets to gain a game in the NL East and also allows fans to continue uttering the strangest sentence ever spoken; The Mets playoff hopes would be nonexistent if not for the golden bat of Fernando Tatis.

The Yankees fell a game in the AL East in spite of a grand slam by Richie Sexson, falling 8-6 to the Rangers on Tuesday.  You know it spells trouble when Big Sexy jacks a 4-run job and you can’t even come out on top, but their collective 7.29 ERA in the last ten games could spell disaster regardless of their offensive production.  Good thing for Yankees fans they have Chien-Ming Wang, Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, Carl Pavano, and now Joba Chamberlain on their way back from injuries.  They’ll be fine once they’re running a 9 man rotation.

New York Jets head coach Eric Mangini said he is still undecided on who will be the starting quarterback in the Jets preseason opener against Cleveland.  His decision is a tough one this year, having to choose between a quarterback with a wet towel for an arm, and one who loves showing his rifle arm off as the ball rockets into the hands of the opposition.  But this is preseason, I say just give Clemens the start and make him play with Pennington on his back instructing him on where to throw.  It’ll be something fun for the fans until you can chloroform Brett Favre and get his country ass here.

Speaking of Fav-ruh, Packers coach Mike McCarthy officially announced to the public on Tuesday that Brett Favre’s future will not be with Green Bay.  Great, so now we can all look forward to John Madden announcing a game where he says nothing aside from how strange it is to see Favre in a new uniform until he eventually breaks down weeping and blubbering in the lap of Al Michaels halfway through the third quarter.

A source claims that once LeBron James becomes a free agent after the 2009-2010 season, he would be open the idea of playing in Europe for offers of $50 million per year or more.  A source has also revealed that I would be willing to play basketball in Satan’s anus for similar offers.

The Yankees missed the chance to gain a game on their division leaders Monday, losing in Texas on a Marlon Byrd walk-off grand slam.  The big story of the game however, was the Yanks young fire-baller Joba Chamberlain coming out of the game in the 5th inning with what they are calling a stiff shoulder.  The extent of this injury could have a huge effect on the Bombers in the pennant race, and even worse could permanently jeopardize Chamberlain’s fist-pumping abilities.

While their bullpen situation remains unsettling with Billy Wagner undergoing his second MRI in as many weeks, the Mets are still looking forward to trying to right the ship against the Padres.  “They’re in last place in the NL West,” Coach Jerry Manuel pointed out, “this is like facing the three-legged, balding, blind puppy in a litter of runts.”

Giants running back Ahmad Bradshaw has admitted his second 30 day stint in jail is a repercussion of a crime he committed when he was only 15 years old.  “It doesn’t matter if you’re Joe the milkman or whoever,” Bradshaw said,”you’ve got to learn from your mistakes.  And unfortunately getting hammered on peach schnapps and running around putting M-80′s in the butts of neighborhood cats is a mistake some kids make.”

The Jets activated tight end Chris Baker from the PUP list on Monday, and he joined the team in practice for the first time this year.  Baker said his tweaked back felt just fine, and apparently has also chosen to ignore the fact that he ripped the team and demanded a trade over contract disputes just a few months ago.  It seems Baker will pretend it never happened and just claim to be content thanks to the team taking the “F-you” stance on his demands, or as it is has now widely become known as, pulling a Chad Johnson.

The Brewers have some questions that need answering after an in-team dugout dust up between Prince Fielder and starting pitcher Manny Parra.  Manager Ned Yost claims it is nothing to worry about though, insisting that the incident was mostly just a case of  “beer balls.”

Jason Giambi shaved his mustache yesterday, a tragic day for facial-hair enthusiasts but a good one for those who wish Jason Giambi would just shut up and go take walks and hit home runs and stop bothering us with his thongs and mustache and nonsense.

We used to love mustaches. Really. They’re totally hilarious, and in some contexts we still find them funny. But when Giambi grew that disgusting hellbeast of a lip ornament, we knew mustaches had jumped the shark.

The mustache hit the peak of its hilarity sometime around the turn of the millienium, but once it became a fashionable accessory for every tight-jeansed hipster in Williamsburg it started to lose some of its luster. The great mustaches are the unironic ones, like those belonging to Keith Hernandez, Tom Selleck and Salvador Dali. Silly pencil-thin jobs or jokey handlebars are not what the mustache is about, and not why the mustache is or ever was funny.

If you want to grow a mustache, grow the classic “Dad” stache, and wear it proudly like your old man once did. Otherwise, you’re just contributing to the sharp decline of one of our nation’s most hysterical traditions.