The Mets came to the realization yesterday that John Maine may not be 100% for the rest of the year and that they will continue to have to rely on their shaky bullpen.  After Maine was only able to go 5 innings, albeit scoreless, the bullpen proceeded to give up 5 runs and blow the game for the Amazin’s.  When asked what the plan was moving forward, pitching coach Dan Warthen pointed out “Well, we did just add Luis Ayala to steady things a bit,”… he then broke down sobbing like a teething infant and excused himself.

The Yankees, forced to address their decimated pitching staff while desperately pushing to make the playoffs, will likely be forced to call someone up from the minors this weekend to fill holes left by injury.  When asked what the plan was moving forward, pitching coach Dave Eiland pointed out “Well, we do have Pavano and Hughes waiting in the wings if we need them,”… he then broke down sobbing like a teething infant and excused himself.

Giants backup WR Domenik Hixon put on a show in last night’s preseason contest against the Browns, catching 2 TD passes and returning a free kick for his 3rd TD,  all in the first quarter!  Upon seeing this, Plaxico Burress declared his back had miraculously healed and promptly resolved his contract issues over the phone on the sideline.

CC Sabathia continued his torrid run for the Brewers, firing his fifth complete game and making him 8-0 since joining the team.  With the acquisition and subsequent heavy reliance on Sabathia, the Brew Crew has ensured themselves a valid run at the playoffs.  They have also ensured that Sabathia will not be any competetion to them after he leaves via free agency, as they will have left his arm about as strong as whipped margarine.

Does anyone know? We haven’t really been paying attention, and all we know is that Michael Phelps’ run to eight medals is complete and he’s a national treasure and maybe The Greatest Athlete of All-Time, depending on who you ask.

The bad part is we don’t really care. Sure, Phelps’ accomplishments are certainly impressive, but we wonder why, if he’s such a great athlete, he didn’t take up a real sport like baseball or basketball or cribbage. Swimming’s hard as anything, we know that. We can barely do it ourselves. But swimming is merely a contest, not a sport proper.

That’s essentially why we haven’t been following the Olympics, because there are far more contests than sports being contested. Basketball? Sport. 100-meter dash? Contest. And the problem with contests is that someone wins and everyone else loses, and there’s not much else that can happen. Whoa, some guy ran faster than all those other guys. Wow. What else did we expect?

Here’s the thing about Phelps: He should take up competitive eating. That’s something we’d love to watch.

The Yankees kept their playoff hopes alive with a huge offensive outburst on Sunday, posting 15 runs in a win over the Royals.  Jason Giambi contributed with a grand slam and credited his recently reestablished upper lip hair with the victory, “I’m telling you as soon as I let this grow out again I felt like our luck would change.  And luckily it only takes me minutes to regrow it thanks to my body’s curiously high levels of testosterone.”

Johan Santana threw an absolute gem yesterday, notching a win with a complete game shutout of the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Santana was happy he was able to go the distance after the bullpen had been worn down by their work on Saturday,  “I wanted to give the guys out there a break,” Johan said, “plus I didn’t want to have to follow through on my threats of burning down their homes if they blew another win for me.”

Brett Favre says he “Feels like a Jet,” after making his first appearance for New York in Saturday’s preseason contest with the Redskins.  The newly acquired QB was 5-for-6 for 48 yards, and threw a 4yd touchdown pass.  Only throwing a 4 yard strike in an eventual loss… yup, that’s pretty much what I assume he meant by “Feels like a Jet.”

Former Seattle Supersonics star Shawn Kemp is reportedly coming out of retirement to play for the Italian team, Premiata Montegranaro.  Kemp is excited to get back in the game as he has been close to a comeback on several occasions, but hasn’t been able to work anything out in the US.  The news is good for the Italian club as well, who can count on a 25% overall jump in their attendance each time Kemp invites his children.

Oliver Perez led the Mets to their third straight win, and a sweep of the Nationals on Thursday. The much needed series with baseball’s worst team seems to be just what the Mets needed to regain confidence, and has calmed a lot of nerves back in New York, ensuring the distinct possibility that this could be the “I felt so good after that _____ series, then outta nowhere… BAM! It’s like they hit me with a truck,” moment for the 2008 Mets.

Rookie pitcher Dan Giese became the latest Yankee casualty this season, being forced to the 15 day DL with rotator cuff tendinitis. Said Geise of the unfortunate turn, “Now I really feel like a true Yankee.”

The Giants lost one of their most recent acquisitions yesterday, putting offensive lineman Shane Olivea on season ending injured reserve after he suffered a back injury in training camp. Olivea, who was cut from the Chargers last year thanks to an addiction to pain killers, pointed out “This doesn’t have to be season ending… I know a little something that can get me back out there playing in no time…” *wink*

Rumors are swirling that a Chinese gymnast who won a gold medal earlier this week is not of proper age to compete. According to IOC regulations gymnasts must be at least 16, however, evidence reported only 9 months ago by China’s goverrnment’s new agency had the girl listed at only 13. Investigators are also looking into the possibility that the girl wasn’t at the games at all and was, in fact, CGI.

You’ve got to love the fact that “Manny gets a haircut” is now considered pertinent news. And I know what you’re thinking, but don’t bother. The story has already been optioned for an inspirational children’s book… I looked into it.

The Yankees dismal road trip came to an end yesterday with a 4-2 loss in Minnesota, leaving them at 3-7 for the ten game swing.  Hank Steinbrenner says injuries are to blame for the Yanks slide from contention, and insists that while he isn’t giving up on this year, his Bombers will be the team to beat in ’09… provided they’re able to re-sign Carl Pavano.

The Mets annihilated the Nationals last night 12-0, once again bringing them to a tie for the lead in the NL East.  John Maine had a solid performance in his first start off the DL, and thanks to the fact that there was no save opportunity, didn’t even have to return from the locker room in the ninth to close the game out.

Jets fans everywhere cringed a bit when Brett Favre’s post practice media session included the admission that his arm felt quite “fatigued.” Sounds a bit Pennington-esque, doesn’t it Gang Green?  You’re screwed.

Embattled cornerback Adam “Don’t call me Pacman anymore… even though the only way anyone will know who you’re talking about is if you say Pacman” Jones will submit a letter requesting full reinstatement to the NFL commissioner on Thursday.  Rumor has it Jones will do so by marching into Roger Goodell’s office with a trash bag full of hundreds of copies of the letter, stand up on a chair, and make the letters rain down all over the commissioner’s desk.

To watch outtakes from Wednesday’s Nooner, click play below:

The Yankees ended their 4-game losing streak last night, beating the Twins 9-6 on 12th inning home runs by Alex Rodriguez and Xavier Nady.  While they are looking at it as an end to their skid, the Yanks aren’t technically considering this a win, as any progress it helped make will inevitably be canceled out by a Darrell Rasner loss tonight.

Hallelujah!  The Mets bullpen didn’t blow a win!!! Oh, also they won 4-3 on a controversial walk off HBP for Damion Easley.  But you’ll have to read at least halfway through the recap article to see any sort of explanation of that, because clearly, the proverbial victory of the Amazin’s pen discontinuing the skyrocketing of their ERA and the collective blood pressure of their fan base is way bigger than the actual victory here.

New York Islanders GM Garth Snow announced yesterday that the team’s new head coach would be the reigning AHL coach of the year, Scott Gordon.  Said Snow of the decision, “It was simple.  A team who raises AHL level interest is a team that deserves the best coaching the AHL has to offer.”

Michael Phelps continued his quest for 8 gold medals in the summer games, winning his fourth and fifth yesterday, and setting new world record times in the 200m butterfly and 4x200m freestyle relay.  Chinese gaming officials, wary of his unbelievable prowess, are making assertions that Phelps’ records should not count due to the fact that his mother is a former pro athlete and his father is a shark.

The Red Sox and Rangers tied an American League record last night, combining for 36 runs in an eventual 19-17 win for the Sox.  Continuing his amazing story of redemption, the Rangers’ Josh Hamilton was credited with all 17 RBIs for Texas, and also managed to notch another 6 RBIs for the Red Sox.

To watch outtakes from Tuesday’s Nooner, click play below:

The Mets bullpen imploded yet again on Monday, turning a 5-1 lead into a 7-5 loss, and leaving Manager Jerry Manuel at his wits end.  Unsure of what he can possibly do to right this ship, Manuel has deemed that his relievers will each be entering the game to a different Michael Bolton song on the PA until they straighten themselves out.  Seems odd, but see how long it takes you to stop giving up inopportune hits when you have to trot out to the mound to the sweet tune of “When a man loves a woman.”

The Yankees fell further back in the pennant race last night, dropping their fourth game in a row, in a 4-0 loss to the Twins.  Manager Joe Girardi, discouraged by the lack of offensive production, had this to say: “Sidney Ponson gave us yet another efficient start, and we squandered it.  This is just like in back in Aruba when he highlighted that drunken brawl with a solid Judge-punching, but he didn’t get the support he needed.  It’s just really a shame.”

Giants offensive lineman David Diehl was forced to the sidelines by bruised ribs, missing practice for the first time in his career.  Diehl was said to be quite upset by having to sit out, but was comforted by teammate Plaxico Burress who pointed out, “Plaxico knows how you feel.  He has to sit too man, but don’t sweat it.  Those ribs are gonna bother you wayyy more when it’s time for contract renegotiations.”

Jets receivers are adjusting to the differences in the throwing style of Brett Favre compared to their last QB, in that he can throw harder than a high school freshman.  Wideout Jerricho Cotchery pointed out, “If you’re not looking, you may get hit in the head,” adding, “Let’s just say it’s a good thing Wayne Chrebet is retired.  Because Favre might have killed that scrappy little guy.”

A new era officially began in Green Bay on Monday, when Aaron Rodgers took the ball behind center for the Packers in their pre-season opener against the Bengals.  In a related story, John Madden’s impending insanity was upgraded to threat-level orange, as he has now shut himself in his home, eating only entire wheels of Wisconsin Cheddar while bottling his tears and mailing them to Favre in New York.

Gary Sheffield is reportedly unhappy with being relegated strictly to the role of DH by the Detroit Tigers, and feels he could easily be playing in the outfield every day.  The normally reserved Sheffield said he was “unsure” why Manager Jim Leyland insisted on keeping him out of the field, but pointed out that he “saw him getting along quite well with Joe Torre on several occasions, so it’s probably because he doesn’t like black people.”