After 15 innings and nearly 5 hours of play, the marathon that was the 2008 All-Star game finally came to end on a sac fly off the bat of Texas Rangers shortstop Michael Young.  Commissioner Bud Selig was just relieved he didn’t have to implement the yet to be used, highly controversial, 16th inning knife-fight rules in order to avoid a lackluster tie.

Alex Rodriguez handled the All-Star media’s questions of his personal life with grace and composure on Tuesday, pointing out that “everyone has distractions,” and “everyone goes through personal issues.”  Which reminds us that at their core, professional athletes are regular people too.  After all, who among us can’t identify with having hundreds of millions of dollars in jeopardy thanks to our extra-marital, rock star affairs?

The 2008 MLB All-Star parade down 6th avenue, the largest gathering of Hall of Famers in league history, is said to have drawn nearly one million fans into the streets of New York City.  Although to be fair, roughly 100,000 of them were already there in the form of hobos and street preachers.

The government has reportedly received receipts from former New York Mets clubhouse employee and known steroid dealer Kirk Radomski that prove he shipped a package containing HGH to the home of Roger Clemens roughly 5 years ago.  While some speculate that the shipment may have been for Roger’s wife Debbie, others close to Clemens assert that the Rocket was actually a closet Mets fan and was having Radomski send him clandestine Shea Stadium souvenirs.

After losing yet another All-Star game, pushing their futility streak to 12 in a row, the National League will likely be looking for a scapegoat.  They could try to pin it on Dan Uggla’s 3 errors, but what about that pitcher who totally wussed out?  Yeah, he really screwed them.

Former Major Leaguer and perpetual supplier of comedic fodder Jose Canseco has struck again.  Or rather, been struck, many times in the face.  The lumbering former Bash Brother can now add failed professional boxer to his list of astonishingly embarrassing post-baseball endeavors.

Canseco, known most recently for his trendsetting mesh shirts and steroid ridden pool parties, made his professional boxing debut last night against former Golden Gloves champ and Philadelphia Eagle, Vai Sikahema.  Leading up to the fight, Canseco admitted he “really didn’t take this serious at all” and was “hoping to have some fun.”  What followed was what I doubt Jose, or anyone with a pulse, would consider “having some fun.”  Despite a significant size advantage, Canseco found himself the victim of a brutal, 97-second lambasting at the hands of his opponent, who later referred to him as “a pathetic figure” in a post-fight interview.

Here’s a word of advice Jose: If you are stepping into the ring to fight a man with a name as menacing as Vai Sikahema, you are about to get served up something fierce.  Maybe take it a little more seriously, or maybe just stick to throwing killer pool parties.

To watch outtakes from today’s episode of The Nooner, click play below:

It has been three and a half months since he first burst onto the scene, hand-in-hand with screen legend Gary Busey and promising the “greatest product ever” in between innings of New York Mets baseball games, and I have had enough. I simply must know more about the elusive Giuseppe Franco.

Unfortunately, my cursory research has led me to the conclusion that there is no such thing as Giuseppe Franco. He is a simple composite of other corporate logos (i.e. Tipsy McStagger) with about 40% more hair gel — perhaps to appeal to the Shea Stadium crowd. A search of the internet’s big three (Google, Facebook, Wikipedia) yielded almost no information about this mysterious being, his presence being felt only through half-assed fan pages and confused message board posts from like-minded baseball fans who simply must know more about the man who is unwilling to put his name on the line for something that doesn’t work.

For the sake of comparison, the following have entries on Wikipedia, whereas Giuseppe Franco does not:

1.) Defunct McDonald’s hamburger, The Arch Deluxe

2.) Mike the Headless Chicken, a rooster that survived for 18 months after its head had been cut off.

3.) Sarlacc, the tentacled alien monster to which Jabba the Hut attempts to feed Luke Skywalker and Han Solo in Return of the Jedi

4.) The phrase ‘¡Ay, caramba!’

In a report in today’s Daily News, Adam Rubin quotes Chipper Jones saying he’ll miss Shea Stadium when it’s gone. Apparently Chipper also asked Jay Horwitz for a Shea memento that he can give to his son, Shea:

“I was like, ‘You’ve got to hook me up — whether it’s a seat, whether it’s a sign, something that I can put in Shea’s room.’” Jones said. “I’m going to try to get him up here this summer and walk him around before they tear it down. … It’s just been a place where I’ve really enjoyed playing.”

We’re blinded by rage. Shut up. Just shut up. We hate you enough already. Isn’t there a Hooters girl you can be impregnating right now? Shouldn’t you be busy making errors at third base?

Go figure that a redneck with a penchant for Hooters would love a cheesy, overpriced dump with crappy food.

To make matters worse, David Wright chimed in:

“When he’s healthy, he rolls out of bed and just hits,” Wright said. “He finds a way to go up there and produce. It’s amazing to have that kind of consistency over the course of his career.”

Who told you to speak? Did Jay Horwitz put you up to this? You’d think at this point, D-Wright would know enough to use his cliches for good. Shut up. Go back to telling us how wonderful and legendary Yankee Stadium is. We haven’t heard enough about it from FOX and ESPN.

Josh Hamilton overcomes adversity, drug addiction, geriatric pitcher and laws of physics to set Home Run Derby single round record.

In true storybook fashion, fundamentally sound, Canadian-born Minnesota Twin goes down in history as Yankee Stadium Home Run Derby champion.

New York Knicks front office rumored to be pushing for outright release of guard Stephon Marbury, citing complete insanity.

Brett Favre speaks publicly for the first time since rumors of a possible comeback surfaced, says “the itch, if you want to say itch, or the fire is coming back or whatever.” Doctors say Favre may be confusing desire to play with Chlamydia.

Telephone records of disgraced former NBA referee Tim Donaghy reveal that he made 134 calls to a fellow referee, Scott Foster, during the time in which he was betting on games. Thus far, however, the investigation has yielded no proof of criminal activity and suggests that he and Mr. Foster may have simply been BFF.

Click below to watch cut jokes from today’s Nooner:

According to a report in today’s New York Post, former Yankee slugger Reggie Jackson is not Alex Rodriguez:

Jackson was strolling with his 17-year-old daughter, Kimberly, when he insisted that Schwartzwald and another photographer who joined the scene identify the attractive young woman so no one got the wrong idea.

“Hey, make sure you tell them that’s my daughter, you guys. I’m not A-Rod” the slugger-turned-comic quipped.

“That’s my daughter, that’s not my girlfriend! I’m not A-Rod here!”

The excerpt is buried under a lengthy story detailing whether Reggie Jackson likes Jews — up for debate — but the big news here is that maybe Reggie knows something we don’t. My understanding was that A-Rod is going for really old women, not really young ones. That’s Roger Clemens’ turf.

The other part of this story that intrigues us is the bit about Reggie’s daughter being attractive. We assume Reggie has a hot wife, so that makes sense, and we hope that his daughter can pull off the mustache as well as dad could.

This time, it still counts. Why? Well, because Bud Selig was so embarrassed by a tie in 2002 that he decided the All-Star Game would decide which league gets home-field advantage in the World Series.

Obviously, that’s just about the dumbest idea anyone’s ever had. Why hasn’t anyone considered, I don’t know, the team with the best regular season record? No no, it’s the team whose league won the All-Star Game. You know Nate McLouth’s really going to go all out on Tuesday so he can make sure his National League brethren get that Game 7 at home. Makes perfect sense.

And of course, all that nonsense gives FOX what it needs to add ridiculous gravitas to the All-Star Broadcast. Presidential elections, steroids scandals, floods, famines, fires — step aside! Yield to an exhibition baseball game!