Some jokes that didn’t make today’s episode:

Billy Wagner spoke to the press about his recent White House visit alongside total jackass Kevin Millar. “The history was the best part,” said Wagner. “The first lady changes just about every room.” “The first lady changes in every room?” misunderstood Millar. “Woohoo! Cowboy up!’

Wagner downplayed rumors of his presidential candidacy despite his similarities to George W. Bush. Both men are self-described country boys, both have a tendency to ramble on in front of the press, and the President tortures innocent suspected terrorists just like Wagner tortures innocent Mets fans.

The New York Hockey Rangers announced they’ll start next season with two games in Prague. The Rangers hope to see the sights, learn about the culture, and get drunk and hook up with some German guy staying in their same hostel.

Players on the team said they feel no need to visit the city’s Kafka museum, as working for Jim Dolan has taught them all they need to know about existential nightmares.

It was a busy day for Mets team doctors, with medical setbacks to Pedro Martinez, El Duque and Angel Pagan. Omar Minaya was depressed, saying, “This sucks. With all their rehab starts, our Minor League ticket sales were going through the roof. I’ll just have to call up some folks from the high schools.”

And today’s outtakes:

The Nooner took on everybody’s favorite scapegoat, Lastings Milledge, today and we wanted to post a link to his hit single, Bend Ya Knees, to accompany it. As of press time, our internet-scouring intern still hasn’t found one. In fact, Soldier Boi Records’ (not to be confused with Soulja Boy) Myspace page is now just a sorry shell of its former self. No songs, no hilarious picture of Milledge in an argyle sweater, and only one friend — Tom, the guy who is everyone’s myspace friend.

This is a dark day for the L. Millz hip-hop empire. I remember he once told the press that he saw baseball as the tunnel he needed into his music career. Sadly, he’s yet to live up to his promise in either forum; he’s hitting .245 this season and Bend Ya Knees, wherever it may have gone, was just about the worst rap song we’ve ever heard.

We love Milledge, and we hate the fact that he was mistreated by the New York press for not giving good quotes. But we can’t in good conscience defend his terrible rapping. Our intern did stumble upon more bad rap from L. Millz’ cohort, Manny D, which can be found below. Fair warning: This video contains a lot of intensely explicit language:

Manny D freestyle.

The Mets rallied for 4 runs in the ninth inning to beat the Cincinnati Reds, extend their win-streak to 10 in a row, and take a share of first place in the NL East. Now you can just sit back and relax until the playoffs Mets fans, because we all know once the Amazins get their hands on first place they never let go.

The Yankees came to terms on a deal with first baseman Richie Sexson, released earlier this season by the Seattle Mariners, to help bolster their power from the right side of the plate. Had I known they were looking for a righty they could pay a few hundred thousand dollars to bat .218, I definitely would have made my availability more apparent. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20.

Giants season ticket holders are up in arms about the PSL policy that will go into effect with the new stadium 2010. Season ticket holders will be forced to pay an additional fee for their “Personal Seat License” which will “guarantee the purchaser associated rights to purchase Giants season tickets.” Think they’re mad now? Wait until the Giants brass reveals the PAL policy in which patrons will be forced to show their Personal Ass License at the door of the restroom before they may enter.

Photos from the wedding reception of Eli Manning leaked onto the internet recently, revealing quite the affair. You’ve got to love the look on the young quarterback’s face here: “I’m supposed to put my what where tonight?!”

Embattled wide receiver Chris Henry is hopeful for his reinstatement to play in 2008, and is looking forward to options with several teams including his former team, the Bengals. Henry also vows to beat his previous record for time without an arrest, which currently stands at 2 weeks, 3 days, 1 hour. Best of luck Chris!

No outtakes today — everything we filmed actually made it into the show for once. So here are some jokes that didn’t get filmed:

The Mets enter the second half riding a nine-game winning streak and 19 1/3 scoreless innings from their bullpen. Billy Wagner will do his best to end both tonight in Cincinnati.

Danilo Gallinari, the Italian guy the Knicks drafted, is already hurt and shut down for summer league with a sore back. “I never experienced in my life this type of soreness,” he said. Hey kid, just wait until the season starts and you have to carry Eddy Curry.

More midseason report cards:

Carlos Beltran: B – You’re hitting again, and we love the fact that you basically told Jimmy Rollins to F-off early in the season.

Mike Pelfrey: B+ – Chewing on baby pacifiers: bad. Throwing shutouts: good.

Billy Wagner: C+ – At least the All-Star Game doesn’t actually count, this time or any time.

Hideki Matsui and Johnny Damon: Incomplete – You’ve got to stop hanging around the bar and drinking the Moises Alou Kool-Aid.

Overall, the Nooner recognizes a boring first half on the field for the NY Nines and a wonderful one off the field. A-Rod and Willie — thanks for the wackiness. We look forward to pennant chases, local papers acting like it’s Armageddon whenever there’s a single loss, and A-Rod continuing to provide us with more material than we can possibly handle.

The All-Star Break is ending, and you know what that means: Time for the lauded local newspaper tradition of grading every player on the Mets and Yankees. We had some fun with this hobby on the show today, but we’d like to further emphasize how ridiculous the concept is.

The Daily News gave Fernando Tatis an A — the only Met to earn the distinction in Adam Rubin’s book — but Carlos Beltran, David Wright and Johan Santana got B’s. The Post gave perfect GPAs to Tatis and Damion Easley, but gave Beltran a B-minus. The Post hasn’t released its Yankee grades yet, but the News gave Alex Rodriguez — probably the best player in baseball — a B.

We don’t get it. If we’re grading these guys against their preseason expectations, maybe that makes sense. But if we’re grading them as baseball players, someone should consult the provost’s office. Sure, we’re all really proud of how hard Fernando Tatis has worked to produce his .292 average and .323 on-base percentage, but does that really make him a better or more valuable baseball player than A-Rod?

Didn’t these people ever go to high school? Sure, there were plenty of kids who worked hard and got decent grades, but what about the kids who coasted along on natural ability and still got good marks? Why punish a student for not living up to his endless potential when the papers he’s turning in are still way better than the nonsense Damion Easley is writing? Maybe A-Rod showed up late to class and left his pencil at his really old girlfriend’s house, but he still aced the test.

Fernando Tatis can study all he wants, but he’s got to understand that he’s not getting into the same Ivy League colleges that Carlos Beltran will on SAT scores alone.

And if that isn’t enough to show how dumb this whole idea is, consider this: The News gave Argenis Reyes a B — same as Santana, Wright, A-Rod, Giambi and Jose Reyes. The kid has only been to class nine times.

On Wednesday the New York Knicks and free-agent guard Anthony Roberson agreed in principle to a two year contract.  The addition of another backcourt player increase the likelihood that the Knicks will look to part ways with point guard/backseat intern casanova Stephon Marbury.  Its a good thing Steph went with his sneaker logo rather than a Knicks emblem when making the choice for his new scalp tattoo.

The NFL announced it will be stepping up efforts to monitor gang related occurences, having experts analyze gametape for any players or team officials using suspected gang signals.  Blue and red, well known gang colors, are also rumored to be banned.  Sorry Giants fans, looks like pink and yellow in ’08 for your defending Super Bowl champs.

Yankees third baseman and media lightning rod Alex Rodriguez has once again come under scrutiny, this time for leaving the All-Star game shortly after he was replaced in the lineup.  To be fair though, post game traffic can be a real bitch, and he may have just been trying to get home to the wife and ki….. oh, wait. Yeah, nevermind.

New York talk radio has been buzzing lately with the debate over whether or not the Jets should make an attempt to acquire fickle “retiree” Brett Favre.  Not only would a move for Favre be an undeniable improvement over Chad Pennington at quarterback, it would also increase the amount of rugged man-stubble and denim in the Jets locker room by a whopping 90%.

On the slowest sports day of the year I, like many other true sports fans, took the opportunity to catch up on the 2008 Tour de France.  Okay, I’m sorry… I can’t even pretend that’s true.  But did anyone see what happened on Supernanny?

Convicted steroid dealer Kirk Radomski, who recently provided the government with receipts linking Roger Clemens and others to shipments of HGH, claims to have run across the evidence while moving his television.

“My TV broke and I said, ‘Damn, I got to get it off the dresser.  And it was right there”

Radomski’s chance discovery has opened the eyes of fellow pariah Brian McNamee, who realized he may also have incriminating tidbits laying around his house that could help in his case against Clemens.  Here is what he’s run across so far:

• In the sleeve of his Mindy McCready Sings the Holiday Hits album, lewd photos of the Rocket giving the thumbs up while the now infamous Country singer holds up her birth certificate revealing she is only 15 years old
• At the bottom of his cookie jar, an original reel of the Zapruder film that shows Clemens was indeed on the grassy knoll
• In his toilet tank, the severed third ear that at one time protruded from the forehead of Roger Clemens
• While playing his vinyl copy of the Beatles White Album backwards, hidden auditory assertion that Roger Clemens was, in fact, the Walrus
• In between his couch cushions, Roger’s Gold Membership discount card for the HGH Wholesale Emporium

Mr. Clemens, I am no legal expert and this is just a suggestion, but it may be time to consider dropping the defamation suit.

First, some cut jokes:

The National League got so desperate, manager Clint Hurdle even considered using David Wright as an emergency relief pitcher. When asked how Fred and Jeff Wilpon would react if he were to pitch, Wright said: “I just hope that they were asleep.” Just like everyone else.

The lengthy All-Star Game must have been torture for play-by-play man Joe Buck, who has previously admitted to not really liking baseball that much. A good way to put the nail in that coffin? Spending five hours in small room with Tim McCarver.

And now, the outtakes:

Honestly, what did we say? The All-Star Game was a boring, prolonged lovefest for Yankee Stadium — something we’ve had plenty of already in New York this year — hosted by a dude who doesn’t even really like baseball.

At least Sheryl Crow showed up, because at some point Sheryl Crow became the official chick-rocker of professional sports. What was the last major sporting event she wasn’t at? Maybe Sheryl Crow’s just a really famous groupie, albeit one we must begrudgingly admit has some talent.

The best part about Crow’s presence is it let us slip a Lance Armstrong joke into today’s episode, which you can watch by clicking that play button the video on the right. Maybe the no-balls thing was a cheap shot, but Lance Armstrong’s slow and steady fall from grace has been one of the most hilarious developments in a sport full of liars and cheaters and hilarious developments. It turns out every single person who has ever gotten on a bicycle has doped in some way or another — from Armstrong to Floyd Landis to that Jamaican dude who rides around the city pumping reggae from his pimped-out cruiser bike.

The troubling thing is that everyone seems to think Lance Armstrong defeated the odds to win all those bike races. Beating cancer is great, but don’t tell me that having one ball is a disadvantage in cycling. Have you ever even ridden a bike? The hardest part, by far, is figuring out how to manipulate the family jewels around that horribly uncomfortable seat. So we’re all proud of Lance Armstrong for beating death, but not for beating a bunch of other druggies and lying liars in a stupid race that no one outside of Europe cares about.