Mets starter Johan Santana out dueled “innings eater” Joe Blanton (evidently innings are higher in calories than you’d think) in his first appearance for the Phillies, but wound up with a no decision in the end.  Unaware that it was Give Away a Victory Night at Shea, Santana was forced to look on helplessly as his Mets gave up 6 runs in the 9th in an eventual loss to their division rivals.

The Yankees notched their fifth win in a row, ninth in a row at home, with an 8-2 victory over the Twins.  Darrell Rasner had one of his best starts of the year, blanking the Twins through 5 and allowing only 2 runs before his exit in the 6th.  One has to wonder if rumors of the Yanks acquiring a certain Jack Bauer look-alike may have lit a bit of a fire under Mr. Rasner’s ass.

Despite dissatisfaction with his current contract situation, Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress will be reporting to training camp on time.  He will also be attending his family’s regular Sunday church outing despite continuing unhappiness with having been named Plaxico.

Jets tight end Chris Baker, who has expressed anger at the team’s refusal to renegotiate his contract, has been placed on the Physically Unable to Perform list.  Considering his only injury is a slight back tweak, it is more likely in this case that PUP stands for the fact that the team is Probably Unwilling to Pay you.

LeBron James suffered an ankle injury during a Team USA practice on Tuesday, though it is not considered to be too serious.  The revelation that it is only a slight sprain has USA fans relieved that their bronze medal aspirations remain intact.

I’ve heard from a reliable source that Jeremy Shockey has been traded to the Saints. The New York media has mostly been focusing on how this move frees up cash for the Giants, but I’m confused as to how this move makes sense for the Saints. An annual cost of $1.5 million for Shockey makes some sense in New York. It’s an expensive town. But it doesn’t make sense in New Orleans. I know of a few places around Bourbon Street where the Saints can get a Shockey much cheaper than that, even during the off-season! Whatever, that trainwreck is New Orleans’ problem now. Let’s see how the people there deal with costly investments that fail to block anything.

To watch outtakes from Tuesday’s Jeremy Shockey farewell tribute, click play below:

In today’s Nooner, we got in a barb about how Brett Myers once beat his wife in public. It raised the eyebrows of our censors a bit, but we pointed out how it was nothing but the truth simply presented as a joke.

Of course, that doesn’t mean domestic violence is something to joke about. It isn’t. It’s an atrocious pastime and one we worry is probably still way too popular among people in places near wherever Brett Myers lives. I mean, don’t forget that Myers only apologized for beating his wife in public, not necessarily for beating his wife. You can read a lot more about it here. An excerpt:

In a telephone interview with the Globe’s Suzanne Smalley, 26-year-old Courtney Knight said, “He was dragging her by the hair and slapping her across the face. She was yelling, `I’m not going to let you do this to me anymore’ . . . She’s a real small girl. It was awful.”

The 25-year-old Myers is 6 feet 4 inches and weighs 240 pounds. His wife is 5-4 and weighs 120.

What a scumbag. When you boo this man on Wednesday in his start against John Maine and the Mets, boo vigorously. Keep in mind that this woman went back to this disgusting animal, and because she’s a ballplayer’s wife, it’s a safe bet that she’s really hot. That doesn’t make Myers’ actions any more or less awful, but man, how ’bout a little appreciation for the fringe benefits of your job?

Also, keep in mind when you boo the Phillies this week that the Phillies didn’t even suspend Myers for his actions. The incident made Myers and the Phillies the bane of the Major Leagues, but of course even more popular in Philadelphia. What a bunch of savages.

In other words, Let’s Go Mets!

The New York Giants traded disgruntled tight end Jeremy Shockey to the New Orleans Saints on Monday in exchange for two draft picks in 2009. Are we really unleashing this uber-douche on Bourbon Street? Haven’t the good people of New Orleans been through enough?

Mets pitcher Billy Wagner will have an MRI on Tuesday to reexamine his sore shoulder, and could possibly miss the first game in a crucial series against the Phillies. Without their regular closer as an option, the Mets will have to decipher who to use in a clutch situation, and consider the possibility that they may actually convert a save.

Backup catcher Jose Molina went 3 for 4 in a Yankee victory on the same day he learned he may be the new starter. Thanks to the possibility of losing Jorge Posada to shoulder surgery, Molina could very well be the regular catcher for the remainder of the season. In a post game interview Molina assured fans he is up to the task, and admitted that he had been hitting only .215 intentionally because he enjoyed the cushy hours of a part-time catcher.

Several confidants of Alex Rodriguez have alleged that his wife psychologically abused and controlled him, and even insisted that he downplay his Hispanic heritage in order to become a mainstream sports star. Several unconfirmed sources also claim that in order to keep his ego from getting too out of control, she demanded that he produce little to no offense in the playoffs.

Often disparaged receiver Terrell Owens is making headlines in a positive light for once, having come to the aide of an ESPN writer who was struck by a car following the ESPYS last week. Owens actually remained with the victim until help arrived, and even offered the writer a quick recovery plan involving a high-popcorn diet, shirtless driveway crunches, and public weeping.

The Mets’ official website reports today that six weeks ago, utility outfielder and suspected amputee Marlon Anderson hopped up on the soapbox and delivered an inspiring address in which he estimated that the team would require 92 wins in order to earn a postseason berth. Professor Anderson’s presentation included written material that was distributed among the team that showed his calculations.

This is funny for several reasons, but mostly because it revolves around Marlon Anderson encouraging people to play better baseball, the sports equivalent of Dick Chaney lauding someone for being creepy and ominous, Thom Yorke telling you that everything is going to be ok, or Scott Stapp calling someone a douchebag. If Marlon “.286 SLG” Anderson had any interest in seeing the Mets play in the postseason, he would recuse himself from the rest of the season and take a vacation to Billings, Montana, the town in the continental US that appears be the locus of points farthest from any major league stadiums. Either that, or somehow get himself traded to the Phillies, which would be awesome, as it would possibly be the first baseball Trojan Horse.

What a putz.

To watch outtakes from today’s episode of The Nooner, click play below:

David Beckham rolled into town this weekend, and whoop de freaking doo. So the dude used to be the best soccer player in the world, and now he plays in the MLS. That’s like Barry Bonds going to play professional baseball in Mexico right now. Except unlike Beckham, we have a feeling Bonds would still be pretty good. Also, we don’t think Licey has $250 million to shell out for Bonds.

Essentially, the MLS created a new rule so some team could sign Beckham. The Galaxy had disposable income, apparently, to the tune of $250 million — somewhere way beyond what we guess is the operating budget for the rest of the MLS. The whole affair sort of changed our perspective of what motivates a professional athlete. For Beckham, it’s no longer about playing the best soccer he can on the greatest stage. It’s about the Woodrows.

And though Beckham has fostered more interest in Beckham, we feel like he’s done little to foster more interest in the MLS. You know why? Because soccer — at every level — is intolerably boring. It’s the only sport in the world where the most exciting thing that happens is when someone almost does something. But hey, since nothing ever happens on the field, soccer fans can focus on the best and most important thing involved in watching soccer: heavy alcohol consumption.

Here are a few suggestions for the MLS or any other soccer operation for making the sport more interesting:

• Make the goals way bigger and the field way smaller.
• Follow the NBA’s lead and eliminate defense entirely.
• Create a new version of “The Beckham Rule,” stating that goals should count threefold if the man responsible is dreamy and handsome and charmingly British.
• Make steroids not only legal, but mandatory.
• Involve pyrotechnics. We’re not sure how yet. Consult Michael Bay.
• Use some of Beckham’s runoff cash to hire one American Gladiator for each team. Legalize use of tennis ball cannons.
• Play baseball.

After acquiring veteran Richie Sexson, the Yankees are rumored to be on the market for another right-handed bat, one such name being Pirates’ outfielder Xavier Nady.  Nady could offer the Yanks some much needed consistency at the plate, and give the New York media the chance to come up with genius headlines using the nickname X-Nad.

Padraig Harrington, who was unsure whether or not he’d even play due to a wrist injury, won his second straight British Open on Sunday.  Veteran Greg Norman came up just short after making a very real, very unexpected push for the win,  eventually finishing third.  Norman would once again be forced to return to his yacht and his piles of money with his tail between his legs.

Disgruntled Miami defensive end Jason Taylor was traded to the Washington Redskins yesterday for a future second round, and sixth round draft pick.  After insisting he would not trade Taylor, Bill Parcells eventually decided he couldn’t afford to have Taylor’s nancy-dancy ways emasculating the image of his teal and orange wearing Dolphins.

ESPN aired it’s annual sports awards show, the ESPYS, last night, yielding only mediocre ratings.  Some say this could be entirely due to someone at ESPN deciding to post the results on their site 3 days earlier.