David Beckham rolled into town this weekend, and whoop de freaking doo. So the dude used to be the best soccer player in the world, and now he plays in the MLS. That’s like Barry Bonds going to play professional baseball in Mexico right now. Except unlike Beckham, we have a feeling Bonds would still be pretty good. Also, we don’t think Licey has $250 million to shell out for Bonds.

Essentially, the MLS created a new rule so some team could sign Beckham. The Galaxy had disposable income, apparently, to the tune of $250 million — somewhere way beyond what we guess is the operating budget for the rest of the MLS. The whole affair sort of changed our perspective of what motivates a professional athlete. For Beckham, it’s no longer about playing the best soccer he can on the greatest stage. It’s about the Woodrows.

And though Beckham has fostered more interest in Beckham, we feel like he’s done little to foster more interest in the MLS. You know why? Because soccer — at every level — is intolerably boring. It’s the only sport in the world where the most exciting thing that happens is when someone almost does something. But hey, since nothing ever happens on the field, soccer fans can focus on the best and most important thing involved in watching soccer: heavy alcohol consumption.

Here are a few suggestions for the MLS or any other soccer operation for making the sport more interesting:

• Make the goals way bigger and the field way smaller.
• Follow the NBA’s lead and eliminate defense entirely.
• Create a new version of “The Beckham Rule,” stating that goals should count threefold if the man responsible is dreamy and handsome and charmingly British.
• Make steroids not only legal, but mandatory.
• Involve pyrotechnics. We’re not sure how yet. Consult Michael Bay.
• Use some of Beckham’s runoff cash to hire one American Gladiator for each team. Legalize use of tennis ball cannons.
• Play baseball.