The Mets’ official website reports today that six weeks ago, utility outfielder and suspected amputee Marlon Anderson hopped up on the soapbox and delivered an inspiring address in which he estimated that the team would require 92 wins in order to earn a postseason berth. Professor Anderson’s presentation included written material that was distributed among the team that showed his calculations.

This is funny for several reasons, but mostly because it revolves around Marlon Anderson encouraging people to play better baseball, the sports equivalent of Dick Chaney lauding someone for being creepy and ominous, Thom Yorke telling you that everything is going to be ok, or Scott Stapp calling someone a douchebag. If Marlon “.286 SLG” Anderson had any interest in seeing the Mets play in the postseason, he would recuse himself from the rest of the season and take a vacation to Billings, Montana, the town in the continental US that appears be the locus of points farthest from any major league stadiums. Either that, or somehow get himself traded to the Phillies, which would be awesome, as it would possibly be the first baseball Trojan Horse.

What a putz.

To watch outtakes from today’s episode of The Nooner, click play below:

David Beckham rolled into town this weekend, and whoop de freaking doo. So the dude used to be the best soccer player in the world, and now he plays in the MLS. That’s like Barry Bonds going to play professional baseball in Mexico right now. Except unlike Beckham, we have a feeling Bonds would still be pretty good. Also, we don’t think Licey has $250 million to shell out for Bonds.

Essentially, the MLS created a new rule so some team could sign Beckham. The Galaxy had disposable income, apparently, to the tune of $250 million — somewhere way beyond what we guess is the operating budget for the rest of the MLS. The whole affair sort of changed our perspective of what motivates a professional athlete. For Beckham, it’s no longer about playing the best soccer he can on the greatest stage. It’s about the Woodrows.

And though Beckham has fostered more interest in Beckham, we feel like he’s done little to foster more interest in the MLS. You know why? Because soccer — at every level — is intolerably boring. It’s the only sport in the world where the most exciting thing that happens is when someone almost does something. But hey, since nothing ever happens on the field, soccer fans can focus on the best and most important thing involved in watching soccer: heavy alcohol consumption.

Here are a few suggestions for the MLS or any other soccer operation for making the sport more interesting:

• Make the goals way bigger and the field way smaller.
• Follow the NBA’s lead and eliminate defense entirely.
• Create a new version of “The Beckham Rule,” stating that goals should count threefold if the man responsible is dreamy and handsome and charmingly British.
• Make steroids not only legal, but mandatory.
• Involve pyrotechnics. We’re not sure how yet. Consult Michael Bay.
• Use some of Beckham’s runoff cash to hire one American Gladiator for each team. Legalize use of tennis ball cannons.
• Play baseball.

After acquiring veteran Richie Sexson, the Yankees are rumored to be on the market for another right-handed bat, one such name being Pirates’ outfielder Xavier Nady.  Nady could offer the Yanks some much needed consistency at the plate, and give the New York media the chance to come up with genius headlines using the nickname X-Nad.

Padraig Harrington, who was unsure whether or not he’d even play due to a wrist injury, won his second straight British Open on Sunday.  Veteran Greg Norman came up just short after making a very real, very unexpected push for the win,  eventually finishing third.  Norman would once again be forced to return to his yacht and his piles of money with his tail between his legs.

Disgruntled Miami defensive end Jason Taylor was traded to the Washington Redskins yesterday for a future second round, and sixth round draft pick.  After insisting he would not trade Taylor, Bill Parcells eventually decided he couldn’t afford to have Taylor’s nancy-dancy ways emasculating the image of his teal and orange wearing Dolphins.

ESPN aired it’s annual sports awards show, the ESPYS, last night, yielding only mediocre ratings.  Some say this could be entirely due to someone at ESPN deciding to post the results on their site 3 days earlier.