It has been three and a half months since he first burst onto the scene, hand-in-hand with screen legend Gary Busey and promising the “greatest product ever” in between innings of New York Mets baseball games, and I have had enough. I simply must know more about the elusive Giuseppe Franco.

Unfortunately, my cursory research has led me to the conclusion that there is no such thing as Giuseppe Franco. He is a simple composite of other corporate logos (i.e. Tipsy McStagger) with about 40% more hair gel — perhaps to appeal to the Shea Stadium crowd. A search of the internet’s big three (Google, Facebook, Wikipedia) yielded almost no information about this mysterious being, his presence being felt only through half-assed fan pages and confused message board posts from like-minded baseball fans who simply must know more about the man who is unwilling to put his name on the line for something that doesn’t work.

For the sake of comparison, the following have entries on Wikipedia, whereas Giuseppe Franco does not:

1.) Defunct McDonald’s hamburger, The Arch Deluxe

2.) Mike the Headless Chicken, a rooster that survived for 18 months after its head had been cut off.

3.) Sarlacc, the tentacled alien monster to which Jabba the Hut attempts to feed Luke Skywalker and Han Solo in Return of the Jedi

4.) The phrase ‘¡Ay, caramba!’