Former Major Leaguer and perpetual supplier of comedic fodder Jose Canseco has struck again.  Or rather, been struck, many times in the face.  The lumbering former Bash Brother can now add failed professional boxer to his list of astonishingly embarrassing post-baseball endeavors.

Canseco, known most recently for his trendsetting mesh shirts and steroid ridden pool parties, made his professional boxing debut last night against former Golden Gloves champ and Philadelphia Eagle, Vai Sikahema.  Leading up to the fight, Canseco admitted he “really didn’t take this serious at all” and was “hoping to have some fun.”  What followed was what I doubt Jose, or anyone with a pulse, would consider “having some fun.”  Despite a significant size advantage, Canseco found himself the victim of a brutal, 97-second lambasting at the hands of his opponent, who later referred to him as “a pathetic figure” in a post-fight interview.

Here’s a word of advice Jose: If you are stepping into the ring to fight a man with a name as menacing as Vai Sikahema, you are about to get served up something fierce.  Maybe take it a little more seriously, or maybe just stick to throwing killer pool parties.

To watch outtakes from today’s episode of The Nooner, click play below:

It has been three and a half months since he first burst onto the scene, hand-in-hand with screen legend Gary Busey and promising the “greatest product ever” in between innings of New York Mets baseball games, and I have had enough. I simply must know more about the elusive Giuseppe Franco.

Unfortunately, my cursory research has led me to the conclusion that there is no such thing as Giuseppe Franco. He is a simple composite of other corporate logos (i.e. Tipsy McStagger) with about 40% more hair gel — perhaps to appeal to the Shea Stadium crowd. A search of the internet’s big three (Google, Facebook, Wikipedia) yielded almost no information about this mysterious being, his presence being felt only through half-assed fan pages and confused message board posts from like-minded baseball fans who simply must know more about the man who is unwilling to put his name on the line for something that doesn’t work.

For the sake of comparison, the following have entries on Wikipedia, whereas Giuseppe Franco does not:

1.) Defunct McDonald’s hamburger, The Arch Deluxe

2.) Mike the Headless Chicken, a rooster that survived for 18 months after its head had been cut off.

3.) Sarlacc, the tentacled alien monster to which Jabba the Hut attempts to feed Luke Skywalker and Han Solo in Return of the Jedi

4.) The phrase ‘¡Ay, caramba!’

In a report in today’s Daily News, Adam Rubin quotes Chipper Jones saying he’ll miss Shea Stadium when it’s gone. Apparently Chipper also asked Jay Horwitz for a Shea memento that he can give to his son, Shea:

“I was like, ‘You’ve got to hook me up — whether it’s a seat, whether it’s a sign, something that I can put in Shea’s room.’” Jones said. “I’m going to try to get him up here this summer and walk him around before they tear it down. … It’s just been a place where I’ve really enjoyed playing.”

We’re blinded by rage. Shut up. Just shut up. We hate you enough already. Isn’t there a Hooters girl you can be impregnating right now? Shouldn’t you be busy making errors at third base?

Go figure that a redneck with a penchant for Hooters would love a cheesy, overpriced dump with crappy food.

To make matters worse, David Wright chimed in:

“When he’s healthy, he rolls out of bed and just hits,” Wright said. “He finds a way to go up there and produce. It’s amazing to have that kind of consistency over the course of his career.”

Who told you to speak? Did Jay Horwitz put you up to this? You’d think at this point, D-Wright would know enough to use his cliches for good. Shut up. Go back to telling us how wonderful and legendary Yankee Stadium is. We haven’t heard enough about it from FOX and ESPN.

Josh Hamilton overcomes adversity, drug addiction, geriatric pitcher and laws of physics to set Home Run Derby single round record.

In true storybook fashion, fundamentally sound, Canadian-born Minnesota Twin goes down in history as Yankee Stadium Home Run Derby champion.

New York Knicks front office rumored to be pushing for outright release of guard Stephon Marbury, citing complete insanity.

Brett Favre speaks publicly for the first time since rumors of a possible comeback surfaced, says “the itch, if you want to say itch, or the fire is coming back or whatever.” Doctors say Favre may be confusing desire to play with Chlamydia.

Telephone records of disgraced former NBA referee Tim Donaghy reveal that he made 134 calls to a fellow referee, Scott Foster, during the time in which he was betting on games. Thus far, however, the investigation has yielded no proof of criminal activity and suggests that he and Mr. Foster may have simply been BFF.