LeBron drops 31 in win over Nets; Jay Z, Nets minority owner and personal friend of James, says he is very much enjoying his position as it earns him free tickets that he can use when someone decent to watch is in town.

Without Garnett, Celtics balanced attack beats Knicks 110-101; Backup Brian Scalabrine ices win with 3-pointer, proving that even with this disturbing ailment you can still accomplish anything you set your mind to.

A precautionary MRI of Brandon Jacobs’ knee shows no structural damage;  Does, however reveal he is made entirely of mysterious, futuristic metal alloy.

Return stint in New York unlikely for Pedro Martinez; Despite having his on-field accomplishments limited by injury, the Mets will miss his warm heart and irreverent sense of humor in the locker room.  They will not, however, miss the slippery area surrounding him in the dugout caused by excess Soul Glo.

Rangers and Islanders celebrate shootout wins; Donovan McNabb disgusted that he and his team were never even given this fair and just chance.

Yanks to open stadium with exhibition series against Cubs; Piniella looking forward throwing ceremonial first base in argument with umpire.

SEC charges Mavericks owner Mark Cuban with insider trading on his investment with mamma.com; Cuban alleges he decided to get out not on the basis that the company was losing money, but upon the revelation that the site was a search engine and not a fansite for Martin Lawrence’s underrated and hilarious undercover cop/big fat lady movies.

Albert Pujols wins second NL MVP award despite playing most of the season with a torn elbow ligament; Sports fans at large dreading Chris Berman’s eventual testament to the toughness of Albert “winnie the pooh” Holes.

Mindy McCready opens up to Inside Edition, saying during the course of their relationship Roger Clemens “treated her like a princess”; Andy Pettitte opens up to ESPN, saying that is the exact same tactic Roger used to gain his trust.

So the Giants are good. No, not good. Great. Spectacular. The Giants are George Foreman at his best. Step, step, punch. Step, step, punch. Get punished or bail out, you’ve no other option (unless you’re the Browns, apparently).

And the Jets are good, too. We’ve been through this, and we’re still not totally believers, but, you know, first place.

The Knicks? Kinda good. Surprisingly good. It actually seems like not just one, but two people involved with the day-to-day operations of the Knicks — Mike D’Antoni and Donnie Walsh — might know what they’re doing. That’s weird, and we’re not quite sure how to handle it.

We root for all these teams because we’re dutiful New York sports fans. But as comedy writers, it’s killing us. Bad teams are much funnier than good teams. Where are we to turn for our comic relief? The Nets? Please. Hockey? Who cares?

Even the Red Bulls are good. We hate soccer because nothing ever happens, but it’d at least be nice to fall back on some Juan Pablo Angel jokes if need be. But no.

So we’re left with the Mets’ bullpen, a fraying punching bag we’ve already beaten the stuffing out, and the Yankees’ payroll, bloated like CC Sabathia but perhaps eventually as effective.

Oh, conflict. Part of us loves this. Part of us hates this. All of us just hopes the Starbury thing keeps dragging on and on and on, because at least that lunatic’s good for a punchline a day.

Giants smash Ravens 30-10 in convincing win; Baltimore defense, Ray Lewis’ mouth, and Joe Flacco’s unibrow decimated in the wake of Big Blue’s 207 yard rushing attack.

Despite solid shooting performance, Knicks fall to Mavs in OT; “We had sunk so low during that 5-game losing streak,” Dallas forward Josh Howard pointed out, “I’m just glad to feel high again.”

Yankees sell rights to pitcher Darrell Rasner for $1million;  Cashman hoping to sneak a chloroformed Kei Igawa back over to Japan in cargo hold of Rasner’s flight.

Brewers GM Doug Melvin says Yanks overbid for free agent Sabathia; Melvin still fairly confident the lure of the bright lights and worldwide recognition the city of Milawaukee can bring him will be all Sabathia will need to ignore New York.

Eagles and Bengals play to a tie game, McNabb and others admit unawareness of the possibility of a tie in NFL; Eagles’ quarterback also appalled at the revelations that hockey, soccer, and tic-tac-toe also carry the same risk.

Oh man.

That Brett Favre is something, isn’t he?

Color us unconvinced, even now. And conflicted, as Jets fans and Favre haters.

We think we might be starting to come around if it weren’t for Favre’s sideline nonsense that the NFL Network kept cutting to. Jets score to make a 17-6 lead a 23-6 one? Favre carries on like he’s just been anointed Pope.

Granted, that touchdown ended up meaning a lot more than anyone thought it would because the Jets are the Jets and they had to do their best to blow that one. But Favre came through. Brett Favre. That guy.

The Nooner has made no pretenses about its transfixion with Favre all season, and it’s not about to end now. He provides endless comedy with his “Aw, shucks, I just chuck it” mentality and down-home American vanity.

And now he sometimes provides Jets victories, and for that we have to be thankful.

But we’re still going with the wait-and-see approach. Until the Jets win their ninth game of the season, ensuring that they can’t finish 8-8, they’re the Same Old Jets.

We feel like Randy Quaid in Major League.

Wild Thing, you move me.

Favre leads Jets to statement win over Pats in OT; Quarterback on pace to annihilate single season record for most tears shed in post game press conferences (record currently held by Brett Favre- 1996, 2007).

Yanks aquire Swisher from White Sox; Outfielder’s .219 batting average adds welcome consistency in center field over Melky Cabrera (who is good for 7 homers in the first 8 games, then hitting with Helen Keller-like efficiency) and Brett Gardner (who is a terror on the basepaths, but apparently can only hit for an average of .003).

Video of Jordan losing to mutual fund CEO in one-on-one game surfaces;  Embarrassing loss evidently what forced Jordan, an avid gambler, into position of manager of basketball operations for Bobcats (had Jordan won, opponent would have had to eat his jock strap circa 8 Crazy Nights).

Jerry Jones certain the Cowboys will make the playoffs; Dead serious look on his face shows conviction… or fear… or sadness…. it’s hard to say really.  Regardless, he looks curiously good for his age right?

Knicks catch fire from beyond the arc in dismantling of Grizzlies; 19 made 3-pointers marks single game franchise record, and eclipses entire 2007-08 total.

Nets fall to the banged up Pacers 98-87.  But to be fair, the Nets were also without their catalyst at guard, Devin… ummm… Devin…. The guy who got smoked by that British guy in the v-neck sweater.

Brodeur-less Devils give up lead to Rangers, lose 5-2; “At times he looked shaky,” Devils coach Brent Sutter said of goalie Kevin Weekes, “namely that 7-second or so stint in the 2nd when he managed to give up 4 goals… Yeah, that hurt us a bit.”

Monument of Babe Ruth removed from Yankee Stadium; Will be guarded closely during move after David Wells publicly expresses his desire to turn it into a Flavor-Flav-esque necklace to wear when he goes out drinking.

Yankees sign reliever Damaso Marte to 3-year deal; Marte, whose $6 million option for ‘09 was declined by the Yankees last week, says he doesn’t mind settling for a lower annual salary, “Honestly, I couldn’t care less so long as I don’t wind up back in Pittsburgh.”

Mike Piazza’s writing a book. Insert joke here.

We poked fun at Piazza in today’s show, and to be honest, we feel a little guilty about it. Piazza is one of our favorite players of all time, and he’s without question the greatest offensive player in Mets’ history.

Beyond that, he carried himself with class throughout his tenure in New York, inspired our hatred for Roger Clemens, and regularly drops SAT words in his visits to the SNY booth. Dude is smart. We hope his book turns out to be the next Ulysses.

But that won’t make us stop from making jokes about him. Not because we think he’s gay (which isn’t something to joke about anyway); we’re actually in the small camp that believes he isn’t. Technically, the joke is on the New York media, whose giant gay witchhunt for Mike Piazza culminated in history’s only example of a man holding a press conference to confess his heterosexuality.

And once you do that, even if you’re more or less forced into it by the New York Post, then you’ve made yourself an easy target for comedy writers under deadline pressure. Sorry, Mike. You’re still awesome, but that’s just not going to stop us from making fun of you.

Speaking of which, a joke from Nooner rehearsals that never made the air, upon Piazza’s retirement:

Mike Piazza announced his retirement from baseball today. Fans are curious as to whether he’ll wear a Mets or Dodgers jersey at his Hall of Fame induction, and fashionistas are curious as to whether he’ll have a beard for the ceremony or if he’ll leave her at home with their kids.

Our apologies. We love you, Mike. Not in that way.

Well, maybe a little in that way. And that’s fine.

Knicks fall to Spurs despite absence of Parker and Ginobili; Win marks first of the year in San Antonio for the aging Spurs, who had recently fallen to Dallas, Miami, and a local senior rec center team at home.

Johan Santana finishes third in voting for NL Cy Young award, losing out to Giants young ace Tim Lincecum; Both pitchers endured shaky bullpens throughout the year, as Lincecum had 6 wins blown by his relievers, while Santana’s bullpen cost him 26 additional wins, compromised his 401k, and ran over his dog.

Hal Steinbrenner proves Hank isn’t the only brother that can shake up the media; Drops bombshell that the Yankees are willing to spend money in their efforts to field a championship team.

22 year old college dropout wins $9.15 million in the World Series of Poker main event;  First Kanye West, now this guy?  Expect to see universities worldwide completely deserted by 2015.

Jets bring back veteran Ty Law for one-year deal just in time to play Pats; According to one anonymous Jet, even if Law isn’t ready to play, having the one-time Patriot there to give tips on their playbook could make the signing worth while regardless.

Rangers fall to Oilers in shootout as Edmonton closes out 7-game road trip on a high note.  Now, with smiles on their faces, the Oilers can head back to the down-home comforts of sunny Alberta for some relaxation.

Niners fall to Cardinals in valiant effort on Monday Night Football; Strong showing compells motivational genius Mike Singletary to only show top of his ass crack to team, rather than drop his pants entirely.

All things Favre update…  Favre’s nephew sets high school record; Gunslinger’s dog slated to replace Duke, who was tragically hit by a bean delivery truck, in Bush’s Baked Beans ad campaign.

Monument Park move to new stadium under way; Giambi caught slipping a golden thong plaque in with retired numbers.