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Mets fall 3-0 to Cards in complete game shutout by Pineiro; Despite disappearance of offense, Jerry Manuel points out that five Mets didn’t wind up on the DL afterward and chalks it up as a moral victory.

Yanks fail to support Wang as Atlanta shuts them down 4-0; Despite disappearance of offense, Joe Girardi points out that Chien-Ming Wang’s ERA has now dipped below 37 and chalks it up as a moral victory.

Jets to wear corporate patch of Atlantic Health on practice jerseys to increase team revenue; Giants allow team captain Eli Manning to pick their patch, and will don practice jersey ads for the upcoming Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Despite Beltran’s absence, Mets amass 14 hits and drop Cards 6-4; Small ball win allows adjectives like “gutsy,” “scrappy,” and “feisty” to replace the usual “dismal,” “punchless,” and “Santana-killing” in Met headlines.

Glover holds off Lefty and Duval to take the U.S. Open at Bethpage; Unlikely winner then tracks down drunken a-hole who screams “Get in the hole!” every time someone tees off, and uses the silver trophy to bludgeon him to death.

Yankees officially file protest after 6-5 loss to Florida; Manager Joe Girardi says protest prompted partly by Marlins’ substitution error, and mostly by Hank Steinbrenner’s threat that he would move Girardi’s office into the team bathroom if he dropped 2 of 3 to Florida.

Sabathia vows to make scheduled start Friday at the Mets despite arm stiffness; Ace tells team doctors not to worry, and that his injury was only sustained because the offer to eat free at any Miami-area CiCi’s Buffet had him straining his arm with far too many heaping helpings of delicious pizza and pasta.

The series marked the second straight that the Yanks have dropped to losing teams in the NL East, but Joe Girardi has protested yesterday’s outcome and there’s some chance it’ll actually be upheld. Girardi’s case claims both that the Marlins made an illegal substitution and that it’s unfair for any team to have to use Brett Tomko, ever.

A rainy US Open will continue today, with fan favorite Phil Mickelson poised to make a heartwarming run to the top of the leader board, attempting to prove once again that with heart and effort, a man’s will can help him triumph over mountains of adversity, in this case brought on by trying to play golf in way too tight pants.

Giants Stadium will be torn down next year, but the FBI says it has no plans to check under section 107 for Jimmy Hoffa’s body. However, the bureau will conduct a thorough search for the remaining vestiges of Jeremy Shockey’s career. Apparently he’s on Joe Biden’s fantasy team.

Former Met Jeff Kent will join the cast of “Superstars,” a game show that pairs athletes with celebrities and makes them compete in extreme sports. Kent’s team is expected to struggle in extreme truth-telling and extreme not-being-a-total-asshole, but is a heavy favorite in extreme not-truck-washing and extreme riding-Barry-Bonds-lineup-presence-to-an-MVP Award.

Mets ace chased early by Yankees in rubber game rout; Santana disgusted with lack of Met run support in 15-0 loss.

Lakers hold serve in Orlando, drop the Magic to win their 15th championship in franchise history; Shaq tweets congratulations, Kobe upset that twitter has not yet employed the technology that would allow him to reply with a picture of his middle finger sent via twitterberry.

Met closer Francisco Rodriguez confronts Yankee reliever Bruney following verbal jabs exchanged through the media; After throwing a few pointed insults that he felt swung the argument in his favor, K-Rod screamed, pumped his fist wildly, and pointed to the sky thanking God for the win.

Penguins pull off upset, win the Stanley Cup in game 7 thriller Friday night in Detroit; Sports fans everywhere miss celebration in the wake of the unbridled excitement of a dropped fly ball.

Today’s episode of The Nooner has been rained out. As of now, there is no make up date, however tomorrow’s show will go on as scheduled.

Mariano Rivera completed the save, quieting the doubters who wondered if he was done after his implosion on Saturday. Rivera pitched more like the way he did in the first 873 games of his career, prompting talk-radio callers everywhere to conclude that he’s finally back.

Rivera told the media quote I’m OK, I’m OK, I’m OK, after the game, inspiring many to wonder if he’s going a little bit crazy, crazy, crazy. Luckily, there’s no need to worry, worry, worry, as Rivera is still awesome, awesome, awesome.

Dan Warthen said the John Maine’s shoulder tightness could be the product of scar tissue from offseason surgery. Maine wasn’t so sure, saying, If it’s scar tissue, I wish I saw it, and called Warthen Sarcastic Mr. Know it all, but admitted that team trainers agree with Warthen. With the birds, I’ll share this lonely view, Maine said.

The New York Liberty started their season last night with a disappointing loss to the Sun. The team said its first mistake was taking on an astronomical body that’s 1.3 million times the size of the earth.

Melky erases shoddy start by Wang in Yanks 8-6 win; Cabrera’s late inning heroics becoming as expected and consistent as his pregame ritual of Power Rangers and Cookie Crisp.

Beltran’s return no help as Mets are once again dominated in Pittsburgh 11-6; Amazins’ pleas for US Navy snipers to step in and stop ruthless Pirates fall on deaf ears.

Yankee starter Burnett suspended six games for retaliatory throw at Rangers’ Cruz; MLB decides only to fine instigator Vicente Padilla rather than suspend him, mostly because he looks like the love child of Benicio Del Toro and that guy from No Country For Old Men and quite frankly, the man is terrifying.

Kobe torches the Magic for 40 in huge game one win; All-Star Laker guard thinking of saving energy for later in the series and letting his Nike puppet counterpart play in his place in game 2.

Pens tie series with Redwings 2-2 in dominating fashion; Epic contest lands just behind I Love the 70’s Volume 2 and reruns of Nash Bridges in Nielsen ratings.

Mets-Pirates rained out and rescheduled for July 2nd; Amazins glad to hear a possible sweep at the hands of the Unwatchables will be put off until the summer.

Yankees fall to Rangers as banged up Pettitte’s mistakes prove too much to overcome; Evidently the veteran pitcher misremembered the quickness with which he is able to bounce back from injury.

Knicks forward Wilson Chandler undergoes offseason ankle surgery to remove bone spurs; Team physicians recommended the procedure be scheduled for June because the sooner it is done the better… plus June has been months into the Knicks’ offseason for quite some time now.

Phil Hughes shoved to the bullpen by newly virile Wang; Who even cares about a joke here?  The guy’s name alone is a comedy gold mine.